Recognizing Progress

So I still don't have a sponsor through my CoDA (Codependent's Anonymous) program. And I've been going through some codependant challenges lately, so it would be nice to have a sponsor. But there's not a whole lot I can do about that at the moment, so I'm trying to be a sponsor to myself (although that pretty much is contradictory to the concept.) Again, though, I feel like I can't just let myself become a blubbering codependent fool just cause I don't have a sponsor - that's worse.

I thought I'd share this because sometimes in life we have no choice but to take care of ourselves, by ourselves. Doing that can be really challenging for some codependents, while it's the manifestation of other codependent's codependent issues. For me, I generally try to take care of myself but have an intense desire to be taken care of by others but don't know exactly how to go about it, either way. I tend to end up in some sort of denial or blistering ball of tears or self-destruction. In any case, I'm still trying to figure out the best way to deal with my hard feelings.

I've been out of one of my anti-depressants since Saturday. Or Sunday - does it matter? It's been at least three days. Normally it might not have much of an effect on me yet except that there are other triggers going on that are making it harder for me to stay emotionally stable. I hate to admit that I'm not emotionally stable on my own. That feels shameful to me. But, ok, I hear my former therapist saying to take the shame out of it. Ok, no shame - it just is the way it is.

Well, here's what happened: I've been feeling good, having made a new, good friend. I'm thrilled about it, but I'm not used to it. I'm not used to having an emotional/mental intimacy with someone that I'm not also trying to have physical intimacy. They have gone together for so long for me that having them separate clearly triggers something in me. In any case, I need this intimacy! Or maybe - I really, really want it! But it's off-limits to the physical intimacy and that's probably for the best, anyway, seeing as I think there's something related to why I tend to sabotage my relationships here. I mean, I could feel myself edging towards sabotage recently - like last night.

I like my friend and I like her girlfriend - they are an adorable, beautiful couple. They are the same age and have a lot in common, at least superficially, but I'm sure more than I know, otherwise. I'm nine years older than they are, although my friend is quite mature for her age and I may be somewhat immature (or just very young at heart). I feel for her girlfriend because we spent several evenings in a row together last week and it could've appeared to others like we're dating - I know how hard that can be for a girlfriend. I've been that girlfriend before. I've also been cheated on. It's extremely hard to have the self-awareness and ability to rise above the feelings of insecurity and possible jealousy that arise from having your significant other spend a significant amount of time and/or intimacy with someone else, even without any accompanying physical intimacy. So anyway, I have sympathy for my friend's girlfriend because I would honestly have a hard time if I were in her shoes. I have expressed my gratitude towards her, but at the same time I have found myself having those physical desires. And I could feel myself feeling that all-too-familar feeling of wanting more from someone else who's already giving me quite a lot (my new, good friend).

I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the feelings and for taking the time to re-evaluate - to work through the feelings! I decided to stay in last night (instead of going over to their apartment, which I was invited to do because I was having a rough day/evening - something that shows her friendship, yet again). I cried it out a little then set myself up in the bath. I smoked a bowl and had a beer while I sat in the bath and really thought about it.

I remembered that I've been focusing too much on others again and not enough on myself, which easily explains the discomfort and the erratic feelings of self-worth that I've been having recently. It's ok that I'm still single - it's because I have things I am working on and need to work on prior to starting anything again. And I realized, this desire for more comes from not focusing on myself - I want more from others when I give myself less. So I need to re-focus on myself when I find myself feeling like I need more from someone else - meet my own needs. I need to feel loved. So I need to love myself.

A friend told me over the summer that she sees loving herself as doing the things that she loves to do - or giving herself what she loves. I find this to be a great way to actively love myself because otherwise it seems too enigmatic - like what does it mean to feel loved by yourself? Cause I already intellectually love myself - everything about me is that I almost always know what I'm "supposed" to feel or do, it's just that I don't completely feel those things. My former therapist said that "the longest road is from your head to your heart". I completely embody that statement. It's why I could always "trick" my therapists into thinking I'm perfectly healthy. I know what to say, how a healthy person would feel, etc etc. I just didn't feel it - at least not completely. [At some point, I figured out that it wasn't helpful for me to "trick" my therapists...that if I actually wanted to improve, I needed to be as honest as possible...so no worries - I'm always honest, now!]

Anyway, so taking that bath was loving myself. Calling my doctor to get a few extra pills while I wait for my prescription refill to be delivered is loving myself. Writing this post to remind myself what I did right is loving myself. Letting myself cry when I feel it - no matter where - is loving myself.

I'm progressing. Recognizing that is loving myself.

"Never Take Anything Personally"

So a friend of mine showed me a book the other day (well, technically I just saw it in her car and looked at it.) It's called, The Four Agreements, and it's about this guy who had a near-death experience (which caught my eye cause I'm really interested in these) who has a profound spiritual awakening because of it (which is typical for experiencers) and made these four agreements - like promises to himself on how to live his life based on what he realized about life and reality and after-life, etc. (that it's really about loving more and better).

Anyway, I can only remember two of the four agreements at the moment. One I've got down fairly well - already have been trying to live it since I can remember - to keep "your word impeccable". I like to think that, for the most part, my word is as solid as it can be - if I say I'm going to do something, you bet I'm gonna do it, etc. This has been a huge deal to me - I guess I see it as reliability and if you can't be reliable, then everything about you can be doubted and nothing that you say is solid or sacred or real and you could easily be ignored. (Interesting that I use that language - does this value of mine stem from feelings of being ignored or abandoned when I was growing up? Hmmm...) Anyway, so ok, check that. It's the other agreement that I'm ruminating over right now: "Never take anything personally."

Never? ANYTHING? Oy vey - so basically the goal is to never think that someone else's choices, feelings, opinions, etc. etc. is about me or something being wrong with me?!? Whoa. That's like the reverse of all the feelings I've ever had in my life. (Ok, so that's a bit dramatic, but I have, sadly, spent many, many, many hours/days/months/years deriving my feelings of self-worth from others so that sentence is not far off from the truth.) I mean, in CoDA (codependant's anonymous), we talk about re-directing our  feelings of self-worth from ourselves instead of others, but we don't explicitly say to "never take anything personally".

My initial feeling about that agreement or promise is that I doubt I can do it. Then my next feeling is - is it even possible? Or even right/correct? Then I think about one of my best buddies. He comes across as a very happy, jolly-go-lucky, sweet, loving and fun guy - very charismatic! Most people are drawn to him (my belief is that the people that aren't drawn to him or who are even "repelled" by him have serious issues to deal with cause he's seriously one of the nicest, sweetest, funnest people I've ever met. And so non-judgmental. He's just one of those types of people you can't imagine why anyone would ever not adore!). I think about the way he lives his life - he doesn't seem to take anything personally! Even if people act kinda rude to him or their actions could be seen as not terribly kind, etc., he either ignores it or he just seems to pretend they aren't being rude/unkind, etc. It's like he's decided everyone has good intentions towards him unless explicity said otherwise and then he just ignores them and continues with his life without missing a step. I mean, this is how it appears on the outside. I know for a fact that things affect him, but even then they don't affect him to the same degree that they affect others and to the same negative outcome. I don't mean to imply it's easy for him - I also know he works hard to feel good about himself by himself. I know he gets down, I know that repetitive downtrodding on him will get him down - but he really is amazingly strong. He has an uncanny ability to rise above it all. I've always admired this about him. And to be truly honest, I've been jealous of him for this and for the fact that he's so well-adored to the degree that sometimes it can be over-shadowing to others. But I realize that's not his issue - it's mine. I'm the one that has the problem with letting things go. And letting other people think shitty things about me and not get all wrapped up in it as if it really means I'm a shitty person. These things are hard for me, and for most people.

But I know how to work hard, so I know I can do it - I can work hard to never take anything personally. That's my new goal (well, an addition to other goals I have such as being an "all-loving being" - I actually think this fits perfectly under the umbrella of that overall goal). It's a lofty goal cause I know how hard it's going to be for me. It's going to take a lot of stopping and thinking about my immediate reactions/feelings to adversity - then re-directing those feelings into something else such as love for the other.

But I'm up for it. Why not, right? What else is there to do, feel like shit? Yeah, I've already done that. Done with it. Now it's time to feel good.

First Challenge

Ok, so my self-imposed 6 month stay on dating is about to be lifted (December 8th, I guess? I don't know why I chose that date...) Thus, I will be self-allowed to date if I so desire.

I've definitely been feeling the weight of my solitude lately - not due to loneliness (I'm doing better on that front), but more due to feeling a need for physical affection. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to date anyone, though. Mostly, I know I'm not ready to have my heart crushed again and I feel like I need to be ready for that if I'm going to put it out there. Also, I promised myself I wouldn't date again until I stopped finding myself attracted to unavailable people (or found myself attracted to available people). Clearly, that has not happened, either.

There's no pressure, of course. It's not like I have a ton of ladies knocking down my door (as I kinda thought would happen when I moved to the bay area six years ago...sadly, it did not happen.) I mean, not even one. Or if there is one or many that are interested, I'm not very aware of it. Except for one. But she's not available. And it is a little strange that I know that she's at least somewhat interested. And equally unnerving is that I am at least somewhat interested, too. But she's not available - and not just in that "emotionally unavailable" wishy washy shit, I mean she's dating someone else. The last thing I want to do is fuck up someone else's relationship. Well, that might not be the last thing I want to do, but it's certainly not up there on my list of things I want to do.

I like to pride myself on not usually being attracted to people who are in relationships already, or people who would never date someone like me (whether they're straight or just not into the more masculine type of lesbian). I think the key is that I'm not attracted to people that aren't attracted to me, but as soon as they show some sort of interest, all of the other parameters no longer affect my feelings. Again, is this because of my need to be loved due to a lack of self-love? My abandonment issues? Well, my abandonment issues do get triggered when someone likes me at one point then turns around and dislikes me at another, especially if I can't figure out what happened to make their feelings change. I know I've gone through this before in previous posts - yes, people have the right to and will change their feelings for whatever reasons or non-reasons that they feel and I don't have the right to know or do anything about it. Again, hence not feeling up for that unpredictability.

The dilemma is that I am itching for affection...like I can feel my insides itching. And I find myself attracted to someone that is a dangerous person to be attracted to (because if it went anywhere right now it would definitely turn into drama.) Not to mention, if she were available, would I be as attracted to her? I'd like to think, yes, but then I don't know what the truth is in that regard. I mean, I'd like to think I'm not attracted to her because she's unavailable! Sheesh - then I should be attracted to half the world! or 90% or something, right? And that's sooo not true - I'm usually not attracted to anybody! My attractions are more rare - few and far between.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this since it's my first challenge to my dating block. Well, in that there's someone I'm sort of interested in dating but cannot date. I'm sure it'll pass and I'll be back to cooler weather on the inside. And there's nothing insignificant about friendships. I'm very grateful for that. I'm also grateful for my CoDA meeting tonight. They'll understand how I'm feeling, I'm sure! (and if they don't, they can't respond to my "share" so...I'll just pretend that they do.)

November: Truce?

This month, November, gets to me every year. Well, really, every year since November 25th, 1992: the day my sister and nephew died (and his father/her boyfriend/fiance).

For the past 19 years, this month has crept up on me, inside my soul - I swear my body knows it before I do. This month sends me spiraling into sadness - but I often forget the power my subconscious has over me in this way. I'm not stupid - I know it's not the month's fault! November is just a section of time that we have given a name. It recurs every year, but it's never the exact same section of time (it's not November, 1992 anymore). I am just remembering it because other things are similar - the air getting colder and thinner, the nights getting longer, Halloween having just passed and people getting ready for the holiday season starting with Thanksgiving. So really, it's me. I'm the one bringing myself back to that devastating day, that devastating feeling, the worst day of my life. One thing I am sort of grateful for - I have already lived the worst day of my life. I mean, I don't like to tempt fate too much by thinking about that too hard cause I know it could be worse - it can be worse. I just think that it being the first of its kind in my life (tragedy) that it would have to be like 10 times worse for it to be that bad or worse again, so I'm hoping that was it. That was the worst day.

But I relive it every year (sort of). My body seems to, at least. Like a couple of nights ago I dreamed about my sister and nephew again, but they were alive and then they were dead again - like I had to go through that again (as if I forgot?). Sometimes I have these types of dreams and they sort of repeat and so I get kind of confused and when I wake up it takes me a few minutes of really thinking about it for me to remember, no, they've been dead for some time now. I honestly don't understand what it's all about. If I'm working through something in my dreams, what is it?

In any case, I'm well aware of the fact that it's all in my own control, just below the level of my usual conscious control. Don't get me wrong - I love getting to see them in my dreams, getting to spend time with them! I just don't love when I wake up and have to remind myself it was just a dream or how I seem to spend much of my time feeling sad in November. For instance, I've been feeling really badly about myself lately in various ways, but I think that's me just feeling low and not putting in enough effort to realize it's not that I'm bad, it's that I feel badly. I feel badly, like nothing's gonna feel good again because that's what I remember feeling this month, 19 years ago. Yet, the memory of that feeling has kept it alive in me for this long - every year, in November.

But that's just silly. I don't need to keep that memory alive in me anymore (well, the bad feelings memory - I don't think it's useful to try to "forget" about my sister/nephew's deaths.)  My life doesn't have to feel like that anymore. So I'd like to re-direct my feelings from that nightmare to feelings of love, peace and joy. How do I do that?

The answer is that I don't know. But first, maybe, I'll ask November, itself, for a truce. Hey, November, you killed my sister, but you also gave life to some of my favorite people: my friend, Abby, on Nov.5th, my favorite teacher, Mr.Dalton, on Nov.11th (I think?), and one of my best friends ever, Ellen, on Nov.21st. So...truce?

Hum/ility/anity

As a recovering love addict/codependent, it's not surprising that I have trouble with feelings about myself - whether they be good or bad. Essentially, I believe my issue is with the inherent non-objectivity that those feelings entail. And that bothers me, which might be why I do look outside of myself for how I "should" feel about myself. But no, that's wrong, too. That's not helpful, either.

So, to be completely truthful, I think I'm probably just fine. But I've been swinging lately - really big swings - from feeling like I-might-be-a-genius and that I'm-fucking-hilarious and not-too-bad-looking and what-a-sweetheart to feeling like I'm an asshole and all-I-do-is-fuck-up and when-are-"they"-gonna-figure-it-out-that-I'm-a-lazy-shit-and-fire-me and where's-the-hole-for-me-to-bury-myself-in-for-the-rest-of-my-life-to-hide-from-my-humiliation-caused-by-me. It's like there's no in-between - as if I can't just be ok. Fine. A decent person trying to do her best most of the time but still struggling at times - not only to do her best, but to be her best.

Yeah, I guess I like to disperse some personal posts in with the more intellectual posts. I guess it's partly because you can't take the scientist out of the science or the artist out of the art, you know? And maybe it's also partly because this is who I am - I'm all these things at the same time. Well, maybe not at the same time - it does fluctuate. For instance, right now I'm in a lull and I may need to release some anxiety/pent-up-feelings (of?) by crying. I'd prefer to wait until I get home, but I tend to find the most inconvenient time and place to cry - usually on the BART on my way home. Yay. Can't wait for the uncomfortable looks (both ways). Maybe...maybe I won't cry. Maybe I don't need to. I don't know, but I did just tear up a minute ago listening to a song:

I guess it just helped me to relax and accept that it's ok who I am, that it's gonna be ok. I guess I know that, I just - don't we all - dream of bigger things for myself. And maybe if I wasn't so singular in my existence...maybe if I had a partner, these dreams wouldn't be so demanding because just being ordinary would be fun (cause I could share my ordinary existence with someone who could share theirs with me, too). But that's not in the cards for me right now. I'm not sure it's in the cards for me at all, in fact. I honestly wonder that often. I took a break from wondering that when my hypnotherapist said he got a "feeling" that I won't spend the rest of my life alone...but I also wonder if he said that to make me feel better. Cause if you knew someone was gonna be alone for their life (let's just say you could know this for sure) and they indicated worry about that truth, would you tell them? However, he could've not said anything at all.

Anyway, the idea is that I am human. And being human entails having humility. Thus. I am humiliated. Ha, no, I mean, I am humbled.

The Whole She-Bang! Dr.Jams' 10 Points Describing a Theory of Everything

So I thought I'd just make a "table of contents" type of post for my 10 points describing a theory of everything. The exact wording of the titles might not be completed, but at least I think the points are outlined the way I intend them to be. So this is just a reference for all 10 points plus the background. Obviously, as I complete the 10 points and their posts, I will update this post with the links and the final wording.

Here they are, you'll want to begin with the background.

Point 1: (Super)String Theory Resolves the Discrepancies Between General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics

Point 2: String Theory Predicts The Universe To Have More Than The Four Dimensions of Spacetime That We Generally Experience

Point 3 - The Branes of String Theory & The Holographic Principle Give a Platform  & Mechanism for Proposed Extra Dimensions

Point 4: Our Mind Is Also Like a Hologram

Point 5: Orchestrated Objective Reduction By Our Consciousness in the Microtubules of Dendrites Creates Our Awareness of Reality

Point 6: Consciousness Is the Implicate Order (of the Holo-verse)

Point 7: The Implicate Order is the Largest String/Membrane: Light-like Energy of Pure Love & Knowledge

Point 8:  The Nature of Individuality in the Holo-verse Is by Virtue of Self-reference to Form Duality

Point 9: There Is Purpose

Point 10: Infinity: Reconciling Free Will with Destiny/Purpose


You may notice that the first five points are heavy with scientific theories and explanations, whereas the following five points are mostly speculations based on subjective experiences and theories that attempt to combine them with the science. The further from scientific evidence, theories and explanations that we go, the less certain we can be about the theory or model. Therefore, I am perfectly willing to alter my points in the future as we uncover more and more through scientific inquiry. However, I would like to present this like this now for many reasons: 1) I think it's getting close to the Truth 2) When the Truth is figured out by us mere humans, I want some credit for thinking at least this far into it and 3) I finally believe in something and I want to share it. That's all. [I don't care if you think I'm "crazy", "stupid", "naive", etc....or if you believe any of it! I know I'm smart, crazy, and an incredibly fantastically fun person to be around! So hahahahahahahahaha!]

It Doesn't Get Dramatically Better

I have a gazillion opinions about a gazillion topics, but I can only choose a fraction of them to share. I have held off on the whole LGBT bullying/suicide issue for awhile, but now I feel like it's time to share my opinion on the "It Gets Better" campaign.

I don't think the "It Gets Better" campaign is very effective. It's cute and sweet, but not effective - in the same way that telling smokers that smoking increases their risk for a gazillion diseases (like my new favorite word?) - nobody gives a shit about what's gonna happen in 5-10+ years from now! Everyone's struggling with the here and now. So telling someone what may or may not happen in the future as if to say either hold your breath until then or you'll be sorry then...is not effective. People want the solution now.

So here's my opinion about what might be a more effective campaign against bullying: focus on building the bullied victims' self-esteem/self-worth. The reasoning/logic behind that is this: the only reason it ever "gets better" is because eventually you leave middle and high school and you go someplace where you fit in more and soon you feel better about yourself - it's not that people stop being assholes, it's just that their asshole-ness stops affecting you. Hence, it gets better. So why tell the kids to wait until they get older when they get out of school and figure all that out - why not help build their self-esteem/self-worth now?!

Furthermore, I actually think that the "It Gets Better" campaign is giving too much power to the bullies - as if to give them the credit that what they say/do is worthy of being hurt by - as well as taking away too much power from the "victims" - as if to confirm that they can't handle someone picking on them for who they are. Clearly, if there's physical bullying going on such that someone is actually physically hurting another, then of course that needs to be addressed by the legal system (beating people up is still against the law, right?) The other half of the issue is that the people that bully others are severely insecure, themselves. So...working on helping all students develop better self-esteem/self-worth would benefit everyone.

Regarding smoking: I have no idea how to get people to quit - but clearly giving them all the information in the universe about how it's bad for them, etc. etc. etc., has little to no effect. I like the idea of shaming them by coughing like an asshole when I walk by them - and glaring at their cigarette while coughing/choking. Ha. No, I do it because I'm extremely sensitive to cigarrette smoke, not just for the shaming effect. However, if it shames them enough to quit, then we all win, right?!

[Update: A friend of mine read this post and told me about a campaign that a friend of hers is involved in called "Make It Better", which is a spin-off from the "It Gets Better" campaign but is more about empowering youth now, as I suggested. You can check it out and get involved here.]

Occupy Life

I'd like to first mention that the reason my posts have slowed down a bit recently is because I am trying to read-up on the topics that I'd like to explain and tie together in my next post regarding my 10 points describing a theory of everything. I'm getting close to finishing my next point and will post that soon, but in the meantime I have something to write about the Occupy Wall Street protests.

I'm happy that people have finally gotten together in solidarity to attempt to tell the government that the majority of us who are not "fortunate" enough to have the money to buy politicians are fed up with how the government panders to the mega-rich and essentially ignores the rest of us until elections come around when they feed us a bunch of lies in order to gain our trust and votes. That's great. And, at least, better late than never.

But that's what I want to say: Where the [bleep] have you all been for the past decade???

And....where was the outrage when the banks were getting billions of dollars 3 years ago? Why did you all go, "well, we need to bail out the banks in order to save the economy"? Guess what? I knew that was a load a crap from the beginning! You don't hand the rich banks more money after they just squandered it all! If the worry is that the people will suffer, then hand the people the money - and not in the form of tax breaks, but in the form of jobs, loans and other government-sponsored benefits such as better healthcare, childcare and education! I said that 3 years ago and most people I said that to laughed at me and said I knew nothing about economics! I'm not an idiot - it's just common sense to me.

And have the banks and other wall street firms changed? All the reports say no. So basically we've handed them a green light to screw us over yet again for their own benefit - with impunity! They will be rewarded, is how they must see it...why stop bad behavior when it's rewarded, right?

So, ok. Now some people have finally woken up. However, I'm afraid it's now about the "thrill" of being part of a "rebellion" rather than actually getting anything accomplished. But, ok, we'll take that, too. Just don't forget to try to accomplish something from it, too! For instance, I've had this online petition open for about a year now which demands that we change our federal individual income tax code such that it resembles the tax brackets/rates as existed for the majority of the 20th century, and maybe even model it after the 1917 brackets/rates - meaning that people who earn less than $250,000/year pay LESS TAXES than they do now and those who make more than $1,000,000/year pay MORE TAXES than they currently pay, and in a graduated manner such that the more you earn, your tax rate increases all the way into the billions, I'd suggest, since there are people who seem to earn that much money, a completely absurd phenomenon. And YES, I am totally aware of the fact that this is a type of "redistributing the wealth". I don't mean to say that we should completely abolish incentive for greater earnings, but that the exponential increase in earnings after a certain amount has almost completely wiped out the middle class and thus, it needs to be tempered. In any case, I've been trying to get 10,000 votes for this petition and in 1 year I still haven't even gotten 150. Now there's all these Occupy Wall Street protestors out in the streets/parks - which is great - but it takes about 10 seconds to sign my petition. So where are the signatures???

You can read about and sign my petition here.

Please sign.

It's Not Just Me...

Ok, look, this TOE of mine is not really just mine. The way I'm putting it together might be, but let me say that I'm not the only a-hole out there that has figured this out. It's just that it's not part of "mainstream" science or common knowledge yet. So let me just say that there are many, many books and papers that I'm discovering on the topic as I delve into this more and more and I'm realizing that there's a whole lot of people who are coming to (or have already come to) these same conclusions. I just wanted to connect the science and intellectual theories with the human experiences. Michael Talbot did it in his book, I just wanted to update it and give it more of a scientific foundation than what was available to him at the time when he wrote his book, The Holographic Universe. I'm not any more of a genius than these fools. We're all in this together. Ok, maybe this is me talking to me here cause sometimes I do get a little grandiose about myself with these ideas...but it's important to keep my humility. It's important that we all keep our humility. The thing about that, too, is that this is all I have right now. I don't have a love life right now, I don't have my own family (well, I have my parents and brothers still...but I mean a partner and kids)...so yeah, this is what I have to get me up in the morning - the feeling that there's something out there for me to do that's larger/bigger/higher than just me. Otherwise, I guess I just feel like dust in the wind, you know? Like I could easily be nothing at all. I know that sounds sad, but it's the truth. We all kinda live for something bigger than just ourselves. I guess I don't see how that's really unhealthy.

With You

Well, I told my therapist that I need to take a "break" from her for a little while to figure out if I can continue seeing her. I'm not going to go into the details as to how this came about but I did want to write about how I'm feeling in regards to it.

It feels the same way it feels when I break up with a girlfriend.

It feels similar to when I started to detach from my mom as the all and end-all authority in my life - which this therapist helped me to do when I started to see her in the spring of this year.

I guess it's the feeling of fear and abandonment - or fear of abandonment. But I'm not being abandoned - I'm stepping up to take care of myself. The fear is that I won't be able to take care of myself in the absence of these other people. I feel myself craving someone to hold me right now. But it's just me. And I guess that's what I need to deal with right now - how to hold myself in times of trouble. ("...Mother Mary comes to me...speaking words of wisdom, let it be...")

Also, I guess that's where 'faith' in something greater, larger, bigger, higher than just myself comes in. Not better than myself, not separate from myself, but more all-inclusive and all-encompassing. It's where the fabric of the universe in which I am imbedded (and you and everyone else...including my sister and my friend who are no longer embodied in this realm) can come to hold me and guide me through the fear and pain. I know I am not alone. (But of course part of me doesn't know this...because I still need to remind myself...)

Maybe instead of saying I am not alone, it would be more comforting to say "I'm with you".

[In fact, 'With You' is the name of a documentary about one of the founders of my rugby team, the SF-FOG, named Mark Bingham who helped take down the terrorists on 9/11 on flight United 93. Check out the info about the documentary and donate if you feel moved (which, how can you not feel moved?!).]

Two-Way Mirror

I had my weekly therapy session today. I feel like I mostly argued with my therapist today, which is kind of uncomfortable, to be honest. It's a weird tug-o-war - I mean, I want to get healthy and be the best me I can be, well-adjusted and able to navigate this life with as much ease and contentment as possible, while I also sometimes feel reluctant to completely let go of who I've come to understand myself to be. I'm having a hard time with that today in particular.

Here's the situation: I know that I am a very "open" person. Like here, on this blog of mine, I've decided to allow myself to be as completely honest and revealing as I would be in my own personal journal - and it's here for public viewing. I know this is atypical, but I never really thought of it as being unhealthy until recently. I'm still not sold on it being unhealthy. I've always thought it was just part of who I am - I am very forthright, very honest, raw, "open", revealing, etc. etc. I even thought it was one of my best qualities. Recently, however, I've come to question this behavior or characteristic (whichever it is). Mostly, I think it makes other people uncomfortable. And I think my therapist is implying that it is one of my unhealthy behaviors - that I do it as a maladaptive behavior. Because I have given my therapist the authority to tell me those things, I am seriously considering this idea. But I guess I'm feeling really protective, even defensive about this characteristic - I feel like sure, it may make other people uncomfortable, but I think that's cause they're more uncomfortable that I'm revealing my innards while they may have little to no clue of their own...and/or they are ashamed of their innards. (By innards I mean their inner depths of thought and emotion - you know, like all the shit I've been laying out here in my blog.) In other words, I think the discomfort other people feel when I am so revealing has more to do with them than it has to do with me.

Having said all of that, I still find myself self-doubting. Maybe it is unhealthy. Maybe I'd have an easier time navigating this life in the social arena if I was more reserved, less revealing. And then, along these lines, I find myself starting to get really anxious because 1) I've been this way since I can remember...I don't remember not being so "open" even if it was just to a few or even one person at a time, so I don't feel confident that I can change it and 2) I don't know that I want to change it - like I said, I've thought of it as one of my best characteristics. People have said it about me, too - that they think it's one of my best, and unique characteriscs (obviously not everyone, I know I've scared some people off...). What do people know about what is and is not healthy, though, right? I mean, 95% of love songs reflect really unhealthy beliefs about relationships. And yet "people" consider them to be "romantic" and desireable.

The other part is that I'm supposed to be working on my self-confidence, self-esteem, feelings of self-worth. Ok, so I actually like this aspect of myself yet I feel like I'm supposed to change it, like it really isn't any good. Ok, it's very possible and even likely that I've over-analyzed my therapy session today and that I've projected some of my insecurities onto my therapist or have done some transferance, as if I expect her to tell me that there's something wrong with this "openness". What I need to do is talk to her more about it, of course. But it's not just today's session that has led me to feel this way - I've felt it before from other sessions with her and from other people, even before I started seeing her. It's been a nagging feeling but...

But I still feel like it's perfectly ok for me to be as "open" and revealing as I want to be. And some people will appreciate it, even. Those who are put-off by it, well...I just have to accept that not everyone is going to like who I am, no matter how much they know about me (often, the more they know about me!) But that's just the way life is. I'm trying to accept that fact - not everyone is going to like me. Some people are going to find out more about me and discover that they don't like who I am, even if they seemed to like me at first.

I guess I'm just saying - I like me. And I'm not going to change the things I like about me.

[Update...later...] So I just came back from a CoDA meeting where I brought this up. This time, though, I admitted that usually when I argue with my therapist I am arguing because I don't like what she's saying about me. The truth is - maybe there is some unhealthiness here. What I talked about with her is that I often feel like I'm running out of time...like all of my relationships, whether they be friends or lovers or I guess even family in some cases, are only here for a short period of time - and somehow I believe if I can let the person know who I really am - all of me or as much of me as possible in that short period of time - they will like me and want to extend the relationship beyond the tenuous cut-off time that I feel. For instance, if you read previous posts, you may notice that I repeatedly said that the girl I was last dating never really knew me - never really took the time to get to know me. I felt like she dropped me before she got to know me and make an informed decision. But maybe...maybe she knew enough to know she didn't like me. I mean, apparently she did (even though she said the opposite - that she did like me. Obviously her own behaviors betrayed her there. At least, that's how I interpret it.)

Anyway, so I'm back to feeling pretty crappy about myself - like I'm broken and there's little hope for me to fix me. Cause here I am, writing this on my blog - I'm posting it to the world! At least, though, I do not expect anything from anyone in response to this blog. So I guess it is a little bit different.

And you know what? I feel like I have good reason to feel like time is constantly running out on me and my opportunities for relationships. For one, my sister died before I got a chance to be the adult, mature sibling to her that one grows into with age; my nephew died at two months old - I practically had no time with him at all, as if he never existed. And my friend, Abby, died too soon, too - I thought I'd have more time! So yeah, these fears I have, this feeling of time running out - it's not abstract, it's for real. Time has run out in some cases. And you never know - you never can know when someone might die next - I could even die tomorrow. You might never know, you might just think I stopped posting. But I'd be gone and I probably wouldn't have been able to even say goodbye.

That's what it's like - when time runs out, it's sudden and feels like a loose end that cannot be tied up - like a mid-sentence cut-off. No rhyme or reason. So I have good reason to want to get it out, share myself as quickly as possible. Cause who knows - I might be gone in an instant - or you might be - and then it's gone forever....

Just A Quickie

So I don't have much time but just wanted to write a quick post about some things that have been tickling my mind lately. Well, basically, I tend to find myself funny and sometimes I even laugh out loud (I refuse to use the internet/IM/text lingo, LOL) at my own thoughts. Anyway, so I have this workbook on codependence called, Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence. There are three sections or parts to the workbook, the first where you write down all the abuse you can remember that you received from your childhood and the messages it gave you, the second part is basically the 12 steps of CODA (Codependents' Anonymous) and the third is...well, I'm not there yet but it's titled, "Beyond Denial About Recovery." (Each part is called, "Beyond Denial...")

Well, I've been working through the book as diligently as possible but lately I've slowed down a bit. I'm on Step 3 and I keep peaking at Step 4 and I realize that I think part of the problem is that these steps have to do with you looking at your current behaviors (and thoughts) that are unhealthy and trying to either "hand them over to your higher power" or make a "fearless inventory" of them. Well, here's my issue: I'm trying my damn hardest not to do or think unhealthy things! So I'm coming up fairly empty...I'm having a really hard time finding my blunders right now because my recovery is starting to really work and I'm getting healthier! I realize that I'm still unhealthy at times, but they're not the same unhealthy things that the workbook wants me to contemplate and write down so I find myself feeling like I'm stuck, or at least slowed down quite a bit. I cannot just write down past behaviors for Step 3 cause it's supposed to be in real-time - in fact, there are dates! You're supposed to "hand it over to your Higher Power", then reflect on how it felt after you handed it over and then also what happened as a result (such as how the situation changed). I feel like I need to fill out Step 3 before I move on to Step 4, etc., and thus, since I'm at a loss for completing Step 3, I feel stuck, like I'm not gonna be able to move on.

Here's the part that made me laugh: I was thinking,  maybe I should just purposefully do some unhealthy shit so I can write it in my workbook and move on!!! HAHAHA!! Right?! That totally defeats the purpose!

So instead of purposefully being unhealthy so that I can fill out my workbook and move on in my recovery, I've decided that I might need to take a little detour from the workbook and improvise - meaning that I could write down the other ways that I find myself being unhealthy even if they don't quite fit what the workbook is asking.

Well, that's that. Maybe it's not as funny to others but it made me laugh. I love thinking of horribly wrong things then coming back to reality, knowing those things are ridiculous and laughing about them! I'm not truly an asshole - I just like to fantasize about being one sometimes.

I Ask For What I Lack

It's been a rough week. My back hurts and it's painful to take deep breaths. Therefore, I'm trying not to take deep breaths, but sometimes, when my feelings edge towards overwhelming I need to take a deep breath to calm down. It's one of those things - where the emotional plays out into the physical - they call it "psychosomatic" - but it's not exactly that the emotional caused the physical. My back hurts because I started playing rugby again last week. I made a tackle in that first practice that apparently re-aligned my spine in such a way that the ribs on my left side are poking into my lungs a little bit. Lovely, right? So yeah, I've been seeing my chiropractor - have another appointment tonight (that makes 3 in the past week) - and I'm not doing any contact play until I'm back to "normal". I am also incorporating yoga and pilates to help so that I can prevent this for the future. I know it can be done - there are ruggers who play well into their forties! I'm only 34! I should be able to play for another decade, at least!

The other part of the pain is not so easy to treat. I'm hurting inside, although I'm not feeling in crisis about it. I'm just trying to figure out how to endure the hurt, as it is perfectly understandable to hurt when someone tells you they don't want you in their life at all - especially when it's someone you wanted in your life. However, there's nothing I can do about it and I have to admit that it took some courage on her part to tell me that because she's not a mean person. I know she doesn't want to hurt me. I wonder if she feels badly that she hurt me already and maybe that's part of why she doesn't want me in her life. But it doesn't matter what the reason is. I don't want to wish bad things on her - and I don't - but it is hard to sit in the hurt without feeling all sorts of feelings - sadness, anger, pain, confusion, disbelief, frustration, sadness, anger, pain. Well, I know it's ok to feel those things - I guess I don't need permission - I just don't want to feel them. The problem is that the feelings cause me to want to do something about them.

There's not a lot I can do, but I find myself circling near the drain of desperation. Like, begging her to reconsider? Or telling her how much she's hurting me? Or telling her how she's doing this or that and how it sucks yadda yadda...whatever - it's all shit, right? None of it will change her mind. None of it will change me (in fact, it will merely keep me stuck). And...well, and it may not even be for real, you know? Like...1) I don't want to be friends with someone that I have to begto reconsider being my friend! How humiliating is that?! 2) I'm hurting but...she's not trying to hurt me (I don't think...she really isn't evil or anything...in fact, I think she's just taking care of herself, which is healthy) 3) I don't really know what's going on for her at all. She said some things but I know there's more to it cause there has to be - and it's not my place to know what the other factors are. She may not even know. I just get the end result, the end decision. And I guess I am grateful that she's trying to own it, you know? Like I'm trying to own my shit, too. I just wish it were a different outcome.

This is where I turn to Step 3 in my recovery. Luckily, I'm on step 3: "[We] made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". Well, I substitute "higher power" even though that term is a little awkward for me seeing as I don't really believe in a separate, higher or better being than myself or anyone else, for that matter. I do intend to describe what I do believe, actually, because it has come to light for me in the past few months. Why not share it, right? Well, only because I have always been put-off by others trying to tell me what to believe in and I would never want to come across like that to others! But...this is my blog! You never have to read it or agree with it - God knows even I don't always agree with myself at another point in time!

Going back to step 3, though... I've decided to hand this over to my "higher power"' to deal with. Of course, that's not the easiest thing for me - I'm certainly resistent. I need to let it go, you know? But I'm struggling, as you can see. I want to figure it out - why and what I did or didn't do, what's going on, etc etc - but that won't change it. And also, I need to remember I cannot change anyone else - just me. And even changing me isn't something I can do entirely on my own - yes, I need help. I've started to accumulate help - a therapist, 12-step meetings, 12-steps/workbook, expanding my world (playing rugby again, hopefully playing music again although that's coming along more slowly). So..the last part, and the most important, I suspect, is to recruit the help of faith in the unknown/higher power. Well, faith that there's reason to this madness and that the reason will be shown to me with time and that...I don't need to figure it out. If something else is to happen, such as this girl changes her mind and wants to be my friend, afterall, or a different girl comes into my life and wants to be my friend - whatever the situation that may or may not happen, I don't need to make it happen. If it's going to happen, if the universe wants it to happen, I'm asking that the universe make it happen so that I can let it go and stop trying to make it happen.

I turn this over to my "higher power", to the unknown. I need help and I know you want to help me because you love me - my sister is there and she loves me, my friend, Abby, is there, too, and she loves me. Please help me...I'm handing it over to you now. (trying....you can go ahead and peal my clenched fists from around it and take it away from me...handing it to you like this is the best I can do right now.)

My Talent

So I got dumped again - by the same person! I mean, this time she dumped me as a friend - saying she doesn't have the time or energy or whatever to make a new friend (I was just offering to be email pen pals...even that's too much, I guess).

I just find it funny. [Well, that's not all I feel about it...] I'm pretty damn talented, aren't I? I can manage to get myself dumped over and over again by the same person. Yeah, she's not the first to dump me multiple times. I'm that awesome.

[Yes, this is where my earlier post came from..]

 

So I feel pretty crappy about myself right now. I'm working on not letting myself fall into a pit of self-worthlessness...but dang, that's pretty harsh, don't you think? Doesn't even want to be my email pal...and get this: She still had the balls to say she thinks I'm a "great person", yadda yadda yadda... I don't believe her! I'm so tired of her dishing me this crap - like with one hand she's carressing me and the other she's slapping me - it doesn't compute! I'm going to explode!

Which shows me that I guess I don't want to be her friend, either. It's hard to accept because on so many levels she seemed like an awesome woman - strong, sexy, smart, funny, fun, sweet - but then she just kept giving me line after line, telling me one thing after the other and doing the opposite. I can't compute that - for real. How can you live with the disconnect? Maybe she can't. Maybe that's why she doesn't want me in her life.

I've been telling myself all day to "focus on myself". Focus on  me, not her - not the other. But here I am...how am I supposed to digest the double-dump without feeling like it's a judgment on my worth? I know...I'm supposed to know/feel worthwhile no matter what other people think of me. But jeesh, that's pretty lonely. I don't want to be the only one. (ok, I guess I'm not the only one. Just feeling the blow.)

I guess the hardest part is that this is recurrent in my life and thus, I feel like all arrows point to me - like hey J you're fucked up. Hey J something's so wrong with you, it's subconscious and thus the behaviors are so engrained in you that it's almost impossible to change them... Yeah, I'd like to QUIT. But there's no other path - it's not like I can quit my recovery and just have a normal life. My life is broken - I have to go through the recovery or what else? Wait for death, I guess.

Well, this is my talent - getting dumped for infinitum. Maybe tomorrow I'll get back on my horse. Today, I guess I'll just sit here, looking at myself, like an ass, kicked and broken on the ground.

Don't Forget To Punch Me On Your Way Out

Today I feel like a human punching bag.
Don't worry, I have no internal organs, so it won't cause any more damage. (just kidding - I know you don't care.)
My heart was torn out long ago.
All that's left in my head is my brainstem, which is all I need to keep getting back up again.
Ready for another sucker-punch!

(Seriously, those hotties in the pic could give me sucker punches any day!! Also...that was my birthday!!)

The Great Equalizer

My old therapist in Pittsburgh said that domestic abuse is "the great equalizer". Or maybe she was referring to getting arrested? Shit, I can't remember - it was in reference to me getting arrested in a domestic violence incident.

Well, that's a bombshell!

Yeah, so talk about something to feel ashamed of! I often forget this happened to me 'cause I really have been trying to repress it for almost a decade now. However, I feel ready to stop feeling ashamed. I will say, though, it's nothing like you might imagine - being in a domestic violence/abuse dispute and getting arrested, then actually being in the holding cell, getting arraigned and finally, finally, getting that phone call they always talk about. It also sucks beyond belief and is not only humiliating and dehumanizing, but you are treated like you are guilty and bad from the beginning. And I never even made it up to the "general population" - something they said would be even worse and they'd have to do strip searches and shampoo our hair for lice and what not. All I knew was that I had to get the hell out of there as soon as possible and that there's no way in hell I'm ever putting myself in a situation again where I could get arrested if I have any ability to control that.

Let's see...where do I even begin? I know you're loving this (whoever you are) - this is some juicy shit! And you realize I am super smart, have had a privileged life, I'm white, a lesbian and I have a doctorate in molecular biology and work at a growing global bio-pharmaceutical company. So I hope this breaks some pre-conceived notions that you may have had regarding people who get arrested. Like I said, my therapist called it "the great equalizer."

I had to write down the details of the entire event as I recalled them in the "intimate partner abuse" class I had to take as part of the deal not to have the arrest on my record (and not to have to spend more time in jail). Well, there was another person involved...and yes, we were both arrested and we both had to take that class - but not together, no worries! They have two classes just for that scenario! Anyway, I think I know where that paper is with that description. I think I'll look over it and see how my recollection has changed. But right now I'm going to give a brief description of it as I remember it now, almost a decade later.

The Incident

It was a weeknight - maybe a Tuesday night - December 17th, 2002. I guess I could look up the exact day of the week since I apparently remember the date. I think I remember the date because I remember that I had something in my pocket - maybe a bus transfer or a receipt - with the date on it and I remember thinking that day was going to be memorable. But I thought it would be memorable for a different reason - a joyous reason. I saved that piece of memorabilia for that exact reason. I have since thrown it out.

I was in my third year of graduate school at the University of Pittsburgh. There was no snow yet and I recall that it wasn't even that cold, but probably in the 40s-50s. That afternoon/evening was my department's holiday party and I had been drinking beer and eating potluck party food and I remember I traveled back to my neighborhood with my co-worker/friend and her boyfriend since they lived nearby and we were gonna all go out dancing together after we changed or something like that. In fact, I believe we had gone to our respective apartments and had already changed...we were walking together towards the bus stop when my cell phone rang.

Mistake #1: I saw that it was my ex-girlfriend who I still (God only knows why!) had feelings for and believed that she still had feelings for me despite the fact that we had broken up a year and a half prior and she was dating somebody else. [That's called 'delusional'.] My heart leaped because it was her calling me and my co-worker/friend said not to answer it. I answered it. [Commence eye roll.]

Mistake #2: My ex was saying I should come over to her apartment and play cards with her before her roommate came home - that her girlfriend wasn't there, either. I told her I'd been drinking already and was on my way out with my friends. She said that she was drinking, too, and that she had more beer so I should come over. Then I think we had one of those exchanges that only we used to have - like these somewhat clever back-and-forths that I cannot even quite remember anymore, but they felt like we could read each other's minds. I wanted to go over, but I also wanted to be sociable and go out dancing with my friends. They said I should forget about her and come out as planned. Here's my biggest regret: Again, I dismissed their advice - instead, I indulged myself and went over to my ex's apartment. [If this were a movie, this is when you'd be like "don't do that! come on! you know that's no good!"...but it wasn't a movie and I wasn't even as healthy as I am now - and you know I'm still not healthy enough yet!]

So I went to my ex's apartment where we drank, played cards and laughed. I think I felt 'high' with attention and felt like we were connecting the way we had connected when we were together - maybe satisfying a fantasy that she triggered for me, well...with the attention, I suppose, like an affirmation of my worth. Anyway, read: triggering my fantasies and drinking. Then her roommate came home - and there's tension between me and her roommate because of all the drama with my ex. She knew us before we broke up - not long before, but briefly. Anyway, there was all sorts of jealousy and shit feelings between us. But my ex wanted to include her in the cards so she decided we should teach her how to play Spades. Right, now I remember - my ex's girlfriend was heading over so we were going to play with four people (cause you need four)...so that also was starting to feel uncomfortable for me...then in the meantime, we were supposed to teach her roommate how to play. The build-up here is to try to figure out what was the start of the downturn - I think it was when her roommate came over and it wasn't just the two of us anymore. We were also pretty drunk. I'm not sure if we were stoned, either, but it's highly likely - well, I don't think we were, actually, that night. I think it was that we were drunk - and had both been drinking for hours already and by then it was starting to be less fun.

The thing about Spades is that it was our game - we had a particular connection that felt telepathic almost and we were a good team - we often won! So when she said I'd be on her roommate's team and her girlfriend would be on her team, I felt hurt and jealous.

Anyway, I'm sure I was less fun anymore at that point and I think we may have even argued over something about how to teach her roommate how to play the game. Yes - that was it. Then suddenly my ex decided that it was time for me to leave (she had a way of suddenly dissociating from the current conversation or mood and changing to either a neutral or dark mood) and since she had picked me up earlier, she was gonna drive me to my apartment in her girlfriend's Jeep Liberty. Her sudden mood change must have felt like abandonment to me, I think, which triggers my issues with that and of course taking her girlfriend's car/jeep was also a huge trigger for my jealousy. I'm certain she was trying to trigger the jealousy. I don't think her sudden mood change had to do with me so much as it is her learned defense mechanism from trauma in her childhood (which I happen to know about and will not share here - just to acknowledge that she has stuff to deal with too.) Anyway, I went with her but was very upset.

This is where the story gets fuzzy-ish. I cannot remember the exact sequence of events but this is what I recall as of today: my ex was quiet in the car for most of the way back to my apartment - I only lived maybe a 10min drive away. I asked her what was wrong, why she suddenly wanted me to leave. She said I was being a "bitch". I said I didn't think I was.  I cannot remember all that was said, but we were definitely at the beginning of a very heated, emotional conversation when we very soon arrived at my street, in front of my apartment building. She wanted me to get out of the car. I wanted to finish the conversation and said I wasn't getting out of the car until we finished the conversation. We just sat there, the car running, idling in the middle of my street in front of my apartment.  Few words were really spoken, I think, but I do remember getting pretty upset at her and picking a photo of her girlfriend with her kids in it and tearing it in half. [I'm making no attempt to preserve any type of innocence here.] Then she said she's gonna get out and call the police. Well, first she got out of the car and came over to the passenger side of the car and tried to yank me out - I think I locked the doors or something. She gave up on that and started walking the other way towards the gas station on the corner (I lived on a one-way street). After a couple of minutes, I got out of the car and ran towards her. As soon as I caught up to her, she turned around and sprinted back to the car. So I ran after her. She jumped in and I was right behind her - basically, I jumped in after her but didn't really make it into the car. I essentially made it so she couldn't shut the door but she was sitting in the drivers' seat. We struggled - she was trying to push me out the door and I was trying to keep the door open and get in, possibly. Then she said, "Are you in or are you out?" And I said, "I guess I'm in then." (Even though I wasn't). So she starts to drive away with me still kind of holding on, halfway in the drivers' side door/seat. As she starts driving away she's still trying to push me out of the car. Maybe halfway down the street, she manages to push me out of the car except that my foot is caught inbetween the door and the seat. So I fall out but not completely out and I'm being dragged down the street, hanging out the door by my foot and my back is on the ground - I remember I could see the wheel behind my head but all I could think of was trying to get unstuck and roll away.

By the end of the street, I managed to get my foot out from being stuck in the door and I rolled away from the jeep with the rear wheel coming within maybe a few inches of my head. I was crying hysterically at that point and also I had lost my breath. I remember some guy had been walking down the street and asked if I was ok and if I wanted him to call an ambulance. I said I wasn't ok but I didn't want him to call the ambulance. I think I said I wanted a hug but I cannot remember and cannot remember if he gave me one. I feel like he did, though.

Honestly, writing this all down again and (almost) re-living it is making me realize, even more so than I ever did before, how much of this was mine - my fault. I remembered it differently for so long - that she provoked me, that she treated me like shit, that she almost killed me (and that's true but...now I see so clearly that I was crazy that night. I had just completely lost my mind, for sure.) Sadly, the story doesn't end there - I didn't even mention the cops yet! Taking the shame out of this is gonna take a bulldozer!

Mistake #3: After I caught my breath and walked over to my apartment (down the street now), I got to the front door and realized that I didn't have something - was it my phone? or my keys? or my jacket? Oh... it was my jacket! Which had my phone in it!...ok, right, but I did have my keys 'cause without hesitating for one second, I decided to drive in my car back over to my ex's apartment to get my jacket with my cell phone in the pocket. I just wanted my shit back.

When I got to my ex's apartment, the door was open so I let myself in but my ex and her girlfriend weren't there. Her roommate said they had gone back to my apartment to return my jacket. I said I didn't believe her or them - that I would just wait for them to come back and they would have to give me my jacket right then and there. I honestly thought they might be throwing it away or doing something else evil to my stuff - destroying it somehow. There was some arguing with her roommate but I didn't budge. I was in my ex's room, laying on her bed, crying. I think I heard her roommate talking on the phone to my ex and relaying her the message about me. Anyway, they soon returned - without my jacket - and there was talk about calling the cops - I think her roommate said she would call the cops which just pissed me off more because I felt like if anyone was gonna get arrested, it should be her (my ex) 'cause she almost ran me over and I had the cuts/scrapes/bruises to prove it! I was so sick of them threatening to call the cops!

Mistake #4: I decided that I was absolutely not going to move until I got my jacket and cell phone back in my hands, both intact and undamaged. I truly believed that the cops would either charge my ex with assault and take her away or slap us on the wrists, scold us for fighting and then leave us alone. I remember thinking something along the lines of "fine! You wanna call the cops?! Then fine, it'll be my pleasure to watch you get arrested!" Also - I failed to mention that my ex's girlfriend at that time was also a cop. I'm not sure if that is relevant except that at some point in the struggle, right before the cops arrived and as they found us struggling - my ex and her girlfriend, the cop, were trying to handcuff me with her handcuffs and we were physically struggling - I was holding onto the mattress like my life depended on it and they were trying to twist my arms around behind my back in order to handcuff them. I was actually screaming at that point cause it hurt and then the cops came in.

The cops immediately split us up. Again, I was crying hysterically - having trouble catching my breath, in pain, angry, sweating (fighting works up a sweat!)... We each declined to press charges but because we each had marks on us (I guess she had some marks on her from our struggle in the car when I was trying to get in the door) and because it was clear there was a fight going on in the apartment - the screaming could be heard from the street, apparently - the city of Pittsburgh pressed charges against us and we were each handcuffed and arrested. I didn't believe it until they read us our Miranda Rights. We were each charged with "simple assault" which is a misdemeanor.

Arrested

To 'arrest' means "to bring to a stop". Boy is that an accurate description! That night went downhill so fast - it was like a runaway freight train - and I don't know how else it would've stopped - I think it very well might've stopped in an even more tragic way had we not been arrested (as in with somebody's accidental death - like mine). So, in a way, thank god we were arrested! That is the only time I will ever say that.

If you have never been arrested or even if you have only really been arrested for demonstrating or something really minor like that (as in, you actually meant to get arrested), then you probably have little to no idea what actually happens. I certainly didn't! Like I said, it's humiliating - probably the single most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me.

The cops handcuffed me behind my back, just as you always see on TV and in the movies. They walked me out to their car, opened the back door and had me get in. I remember the seat was plastic, sculpted for your behind to sit in but really, maybe it was for your hands (cause remember, my wrists were handcuffed behind my back - imagine trying to sit like that in a car.) I got the guy cops and my ex got the girl cop and maybe another guy - I don't remember if there were two with her or not but there were two with me. I was disappointed to get the guys, to be honest. I didn't feel any warmth at all from them. I don't know if I would've felt any warmth from the woman cop, but I wonder if I would've felt so alone and invisible. When it comes to people I don't know, I feel invisible to men whereas women make me feel seen and even like there's compassion between us. Of course, maybe this has something to do with me being a lesbian, but I'm not entirely sure if that's the case or not. I think it could also have to do with me being a woman and with the way women are socialized to be caretakers in our society. Anyway, so I got the dude-cops.

I asked the cops right as we got in the car if we could drive by my apartment to see if my jacket with my phone in it was there and if so, to get it. I suppose they were feeling generous, so they said we could and for some reason I remember getting out of the cop car and picking up my jacket which appeared to be thrown against the front door of my apartment building...but that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me - maybe one of the cops picked it up. All I know is that I remember feeling pretty foolish when I realized that my jacket really was there and I should've just gone home instead of waiting for the cops to come. But at that time I still thought it'd be a fairly quick turnaround - just go to the station and get arraigned or whatever. I still didn't know what lie ahead.

The next thing I remember, after we got my jacket with my phone and wallet in it, was that on our way to the jail/station, there was a call on the cops' radio saying something about a "perp"... or maybe we went to get gas and there was a call...something or other, but in any case, there was a black man at the gas station and the cops called back on the radio that there was a guy "fitting the description of the perp" at the gas station and that they'd need backup or another car to come get him since they already had me. I remember thinking to myself that this is racial profiling right in front of my face. There was absolutely nothing suspicious about that guy - granted, maybe just to me - but I really think they just wanted to grab him cause he was black and out by himself, walking around at the gas station late at night. I couldn't believe that they were really just gonna arrest him like that even though he clearly wasn't doing anything illegal - except "walking while black", I guess.

So next they took me downtown to the city jail and police station. The cops walked me into an entrance room of the jail where I had to take off all of my accessories - I had to give them my jacket, my phone, my wallet, my keys - essentially anything I had in my pockets, including one of my good pens. Then a woman cop took off my handcuffs and patted me down. I tried to ask her questions but she didn't answer anything I asked - as if she was a robot. I may have even been crying. I cannot remember if she told me to shut-up or not but I do remember feeling like she thought I was a horrible person and that I deserved to be locked up. I certainly did not feel like that at all! I believed that I was innocent and I knew that I am not a horrible person. I remember wondering, what ever happened to the idea of "innocent until proven guilty"? After the pat down and search, I was walked down the hall around a corner and into a fairly small, narrow cement block room with a door that had a window to the hall that faces the front desk where some cops sat. This was my "holding cell". There was a "bed" - a metal table built into the wall on the right as you face in, and a toilet without a seat and one roll of toilet paper. I don't remember if there was a window - but if there was, it was too small and too dark to look out of. Of course, after they put me in the room, they shut the door and it locked from the outside. Again, no one told me anything about the process or what was going on or anything at all. That would be the theme for the next 12 hours, essentially. It was pure hell.

After that, everything starts to blur together - I was alone for awhile, crying/balling into the toilet paper roll (cause it was the only thing that didn't smell horrible)... I tried to lay down on the metal "bed" but that was super-uncomfortable, but I was exhausted! I didn't sleep at all. At some point, two more women were brought into the cell with me which was a welcome relief for me cause they had been arrested before and knew what to expect - yeah, real class act there.  [I know, I have no right to judge but honestly, if you've been arrested before, why would you ever let yourself get into another situation where there was any possibility of being arrested again?!?] These ladies had been trespassing on one of their ex's property although they had restraining orders on them...I don't remember the whole story but of course they told it to me! They were surprisingly relaxed, as I recall - I mean, they certainly weren't hysterically crying the way I had been when I was first brought in - I think they were just angry, and at least they had each other (I think they were either mother and daughter or a woman and her best friend or sister or something like that). They told me how I'd be taken out and have my picture taken, fingerprints, etc etc., and then later I'd be arraigned, I'd get my phone call and then, finally, if someone came to post bail, I would be able to go home. They were there with me for a couple of hours at least, but then they were removed and I was alone again.

At some point, I was taken out of the cell to have my "mug shot" taken and to be fingerprinted. Again, no one answered any of my questions, only saying stuff like "they'll come get you" or "I just need to take your picture" - you know, again, like they're all fucking robots. I remember after some time - maybe it was 6 or 7am at that point - they opened the door and gave me some food and there may have even been a pencil on the tray. I wasn't able to eat but I drank the orange juice. It's not like the food looked terribly enticing anyway, I think it was either a small box of cereal or oatmeal...something nondescript. Anyway, it was the pencil that saved my soul! I mean, my mind was out-of-control and I had no way of stopping it or doing anything with it prior...but once I got the pencil, I was able to write, draw, whatever, on whatever I could get my hands on - the cereal box, the toilet paper...anything! When I put the food tray back on the floor for them to take away, I kept the pencil. I don't even quite remember why they had given it to me in the first place - I think I had to fill something out with it - a questionnaire of sorts (certainly not a "how are we doing?" questionnaire!!!)

The next most humiliating thing of the incident was after awhile when I realized that I had to go to the bathroom. Not just pee, by the way. I mean, with all the turmoil of the evening, getting drunk and being arrested...my tummy was doing flips and so eventually there was no question I was gonna have to have an evacuation. The seatless toilet was in the line of view down from the door (with the window in it which looked out onto the hall and the cops' desk across the narrow hall - lots of cops walking by, working, etc etc.) So I was not looking forward to taking a shit - a nasty shit, for that matter - while folks could look in and see me doing it! I'm not that kind of girl! But it had to be done and I did it. I used much of that toilet paper at that point. And yeah, it didn't smell very well for quite some time. But of course, time is what I had.

Well, eventually, I was moved out of that holding cell to another holding cell - on my way to which I saw my ex in her cell. That second holding cell was much bigger but had the bars and so you could see and hear everyone else around in their cells. I think I may have tried to talk to my ex a couple of times, but soon we were moved again. The next cell they put me in was a temporary cell near the court where the judge then arraigned each of us - you know, telling us what we're charged with, stating the bail and then we were moved again. I think that's maybe when we had to see the nurse to make sure we weren't sick or anything that they'd have to take responsibility for. After the nurse, we were then left out in a room with a payphone. In fact, at that point I guess they didn't give a shit if we beat each other up or not cause my ex was there with me, too.

Can you believe it - she was laughing?! She thought the whole thing was pretty funny! I was furious and sad and still so scared. She called her girlfriend to come get her and pay her bail. I called my work/school/lab. I talked to my supervisor/mentor (not my boss/Professor/Advisor). She said she'd do this for me this one time but that this wasn't the first time she had to bail someone out of jail (apparently she had to do it for her brother once, too)...and she clearly was extremely disappointed in me. In fact, later she told me that she didn't want me to babysit her daughter anymore because she felt she couldn't trust me and my judgment. It was essentially the end of our relationship - and we had had a good, mutually respectful relationship until then - we had been friends, even.

My ex left before me - she even had a ride home. About a half hour later I was told that my bail had been paid and that I could leave. I didn't have a ride home. I was in downtown Pittsburgh and my apartment was in a neighborhood called "Friendship" about 5 miles east. I walked home. I cried the whole way. About midway home, I finally got up the nerve to call my mom and tell her what had happened - or at least the gist of it. (I needed to borrow some money to pay back my supervisor for paying my bail.) I really didn't care if I got hit and killed by a car. I was feeling reckless.

When I got home, I was so relieved to see my pets/babies! It was the first night I had ever spent away from my dog since I had adopted her about a month before. I had been worried about her but she was fine - just really happy to see me. Oh and by the way, on my way out of the jail, I was given my personal items back. I got my phone, my wallet, my jacket, my keys...but not my good pen. They keep what they want - what they can get away with keeping. So when I got home and I found my good pen, this is what I wrote in my journal:

"After something huge and traumatic happens, one has the urge to never think about it again & try to throw it out but it's all pretend anyway - it creeps up out of the corners when you don't want it to, anyway. But I DON'T feel like going into it all right now. // Ok, but I will say that finding this PEN tonight really made me feel GOOD for a moment because I thought I'd lost BOTH pens (Well, I knew that the police had the other one - they took it from my pockets and didn't return it to me with my stuff at the end of the time.)"

So there you go. That's my story. We were both charged with "Simple Assault", but got our records expunged after completing the class on "intimate partner abuse". I learned a lot from that class. But not enough, apparently, to keep me out of unhealthy relationships altogether (although I did recognize my former relationship as being unhealthy from almost the beginning...just couldn't get out of it. That's the "love addiction", I guess.) Now I hope my work on my issues of love addiction and codependence will help me not only recognize unhealthy situations, but to also be healthier. First, though, I have to come to terms with how unhealthy I have been - and why. Here I have written the worst incident that came out of my unhealthy relations. Here I am finally taking the shame out of it. I am handing it over to my 'higher power' - which, to me, is the me that I would be if I weren't human - if I were perfect.

I'm not perfect.

But I can be better.

Temptation

New Order wrote the original, but Moby transformed the song for me in their cover of it. (It's not Moby, the dude, singing it so I honestly didn't think it was really Moby but I guess it is...)

This particular video isn't satisfying to me and goes on for an additional two to three minutes after the song ends, but it's still the best one on YouTube for this song. Those are my disclaimers. Maybe I shall make a video and post it, thus fixing this problem.

This version of this song - and I also love the original - penetrates through outer layers of my being, into the depths of my heart. It's soothing and the other night it brought me to tears because I truly felt the lyrics. In fact, I felt the song being sung to me,

Heaven

A gateway

of hope

Just like a feeling

I need

it's no joke

And though it hurts me

to see you

this way

Betrayed by words

I'd never heard

To hard to say them

...

Up down turn around

Please don't let me hit the ground

Tonight I think I'll walk alone

Find my soul as I go home

Oh it's the last time

Oh it's the last time

 especially these words:

And I've never met anyone quite like you before

And I've never met anyone quite like you before

And I've never met anyone quite like you before

And I've never met anyone quite like you before

And I've never met anyone quite like you before

And I've never met anyone quite like you

Before

But I sing these words:

Each way I turn

And though I"ll always try

To break the circle

That has been placed

Around me

From time to time

I find I lost

Some meaning

That was urgent

To myself

I do believe

Up down turn around

Please don't let me hit the ground

Tonight I think I'll walk alone

Find my soul as I go home

Oh it's the last time

Oh it's the last time

Oh it's the last time

Oh it's the last

Time

Maybe the order is off, but look...what I mean to say is that I feel these words, her voice, the soft, gentle nature of the song, like an angel is cradling me as I walk home, alone, finding my soul... and she says to me, and I know it's true, that I've never met anyone quite like me before. Sure - everyone's unique, and this could apply to anyone. But for me...well, I know I'm a bit "out there", strange, different, weird...always been, you know? It hurt a lot growing up, feeling so different from everyone else... and I thought, when I figured out I had Depression, maybe that was the difference (why I cried a lot and was lonely a lot, didn't have a lot of friends, spent a lot of time alone)... then I figured out I was gay and I thought - ok, that's it! ... then I was still strange, even amongst the gays/lesbians... and now I see that I am a "love addict" and codependent - is that the last piece? Does that completely finish the explanation of why I'm so different, strange, odd, weird? Probably not.

But I still want to be loved. The way she says that she's never met anyone quite like me before is in a loving way, as if to say she loves me for it. And when I say, 'she', I really mean me. It's me - I'm her, she's me. (Obviously, not literally - what I would give for a beautiful voice like that!)

The truth is I meet people all the time who I feel I've seen around before, met someone else similar to them before - and I think this is more of a reflection of the masks or acts we put on in order to fit into the worlds we want to fit into, not really a reflection of the true nature of the individual - but not me. I have also met others like me in this way - others who don't walk the beaten path of personality or looks or behaviors. It's a hard way to be - oneself - in a world full of coersion and temptation. It's a hard thing to love yourself in this world, being yourself, when you're not entirely sure it's objectively "ok" to be who you are, but you are her, anyway. Yeah, that's where this is all coming from - this hurt. I'm trying to grasp loving myself even if no one else can or will love me for me (whether or not they do).

And I told her - it's the last time, she's the last time, the last one I give in to my love addiction. The next love is for me.