I Ask For What I Lack

It's been a rough week. My back hurts and it's painful to take deep breaths. Therefore, I'm trying not to take deep breaths, but sometimes, when my feelings edge towards overwhelming I need to take a deep breath to calm down. It's one of those things - where the emotional plays out into the physical - they call it "psychosomatic" - but it's not exactly that the emotional caused the physical. My back hurts because I started playing rugby again last week. I made a tackle in that first practice that apparently re-aligned my spine in such a way that the ribs on my left side are poking into my lungs a little bit. Lovely, right? So yeah, I've been seeing my chiropractor - have another appointment tonight (that makes 3 in the past week) - and I'm not doing any contact play until I'm back to "normal". I am also incorporating yoga and pilates to help so that I can prevent this for the future. I know it can be done - there are ruggers who play well into their forties! I'm only 34! I should be able to play for another decade, at least!

The other part of the pain is not so easy to treat. I'm hurting inside, although I'm not feeling in crisis about it. I'm just trying to figure out how to endure the hurt, as it is perfectly understandable to hurt when someone tells you they don't want you in their life at all - especially when it's someone you wanted in your life. However, there's nothing I can do about it and I have to admit that it took some courage on her part to tell me that because she's not a mean person. I know she doesn't want to hurt me. I wonder if she feels badly that she hurt me already and maybe that's part of why she doesn't want me in her life. But it doesn't matter what the reason is. I don't want to wish bad things on her - and I don't - but it is hard to sit in the hurt without feeling all sorts of feelings - sadness, anger, pain, confusion, disbelief, frustration, sadness, anger, pain. Well, I know it's ok to feel those things - I guess I don't need permission - I just don't want to feel them. The problem is that the feelings cause me to want to do something about them.

There's not a lot I can do, but I find myself circling near the drain of desperation. Like, begging her to reconsider? Or telling her how much she's hurting me? Or telling her how she's doing this or that and how it sucks yadda yadda...whatever - it's all shit, right? None of it will change her mind. None of it will change me (in fact, it will merely keep me stuck). And...well, and it may not even be for real, you know? Like...1) I don't want to be friends with someone that I have to begto reconsider being my friend! How humiliating is that?! 2) I'm hurting but...she's not trying to hurt me (I don't think...she really isn't evil or anything...in fact, I think she's just taking care of herself, which is healthy) 3) I don't really know what's going on for her at all. She said some things but I know there's more to it cause there has to be - and it's not my place to know what the other factors are. She may not even know. I just get the end result, the end decision. And I guess I am grateful that she's trying to own it, you know? Like I'm trying to own my shit, too. I just wish it were a different outcome.

This is where I turn to Step 3 in my recovery. Luckily, I'm on step 3: "[We] made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". Well, I substitute "higher power" even though that term is a little awkward for me seeing as I don't really believe in a separate, higher or better being than myself or anyone else, for that matter. I do intend to describe what I do believe, actually, because it has come to light for me in the past few months. Why not share it, right? Well, only because I have always been put-off by others trying to tell me what to believe in and I would never want to come across like that to others! But...this is my blog! You never have to read it or agree with it - God knows even I don't always agree with myself at another point in time!

Going back to step 3, though... I've decided to hand this over to my "higher power"' to deal with. Of course, that's not the easiest thing for me - I'm certainly resistent. I need to let it go, you know? But I'm struggling, as you can see. I want to figure it out - why and what I did or didn't do, what's going on, etc etc - but that won't change it. And also, I need to remember I cannot change anyone else - just me. And even changing me isn't something I can do entirely on my own - yes, I need help. I've started to accumulate help - a therapist, 12-step meetings, 12-steps/workbook, expanding my world (playing rugby again, hopefully playing music again although that's coming along more slowly). So..the last part, and the most important, I suspect, is to recruit the help of faith in the unknown/higher power. Well, faith that there's reason to this madness and that the reason will be shown to me with time and that...I don't need to figure it out. If something else is to happen, such as this girl changes her mind and wants to be my friend, afterall, or a different girl comes into my life and wants to be my friend - whatever the situation that may or may not happen, I don't need to make it happen. If it's going to happen, if the universe wants it to happen, I'm asking that the universe make it happen so that I can let it go and stop trying to make it happen.

I turn this over to my "higher power", to the unknown. I need help and I know you want to help me because you love me - my sister is there and she loves me, my friend, Abby, is there, too, and she loves me. Please help me...I'm handing it over to you now. (trying....you can go ahead and peal my clenched fists from around it and take it away from me...handing it to you like this is the best I can do right now.)