My Talent

So I got dumped again - by the same person! I mean, this time she dumped me as a friend - saying she doesn't have the time or energy or whatever to make a new friend (I was just offering to be email pen pals...even that's too much, I guess).

I just find it funny. [Well, that's not all I feel about it...] I'm pretty damn talented, aren't I? I can manage to get myself dumped over and over again by the same person. Yeah, she's not the first to dump me multiple times. I'm that awesome.

[Yes, this is where my earlier post came from..]

 

So I feel pretty crappy about myself right now. I'm working on not letting myself fall into a pit of self-worthlessness...but dang, that's pretty harsh, don't you think? Doesn't even want to be my email pal...and get this: She still had the balls to say she thinks I'm a "great person", yadda yadda yadda... I don't believe her! I'm so tired of her dishing me this crap - like with one hand she's carressing me and the other she's slapping me - it doesn't compute! I'm going to explode!

Which shows me that I guess I don't want to be her friend, either. It's hard to accept because on so many levels she seemed like an awesome woman - strong, sexy, smart, funny, fun, sweet - but then she just kept giving me line after line, telling me one thing after the other and doing the opposite. I can't compute that - for real. How can you live with the disconnect? Maybe she can't. Maybe that's why she doesn't want me in her life.

I've been telling myself all day to "focus on myself". Focus on  me, not her - not the other. But here I am...how am I supposed to digest the double-dump without feeling like it's a judgment on my worth? I know...I'm supposed to know/feel worthwhile no matter what other people think of me. But jeesh, that's pretty lonely. I don't want to be the only one. (ok, I guess I'm not the only one. Just feeling the blow.)

I guess the hardest part is that this is recurrent in my life and thus, I feel like all arrows point to me - like hey J you're fucked up. Hey J something's so wrong with you, it's subconscious and thus the behaviors are so engrained in you that it's almost impossible to change them... Yeah, I'd like to QUIT. But there's no other path - it's not like I can quit my recovery and just have a normal life. My life is broken - I have to go through the recovery or what else? Wait for death, I guess.

Well, this is my talent - getting dumped for infinitum. Maybe tomorrow I'll get back on my horse. Today, I guess I'll just sit here, looking at myself, like an ass, kicked and broken on the ground.