Oh, is that too hard?
Seriously, ever since Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death from heroin overdose a few weeks ago, there have been many op-eds regarding it, or regarding drug use, or addiction, or some combination. The
best one that I read so far was written by Russell Brand, who is a recovering drug addict. Actually, the article that I really liked that went viral in the wake of PSH's death was one that
RB wrote a year ago. It was honest and raw. I like that.
The worst one that I read said to tell kids to "just say no to drugs", or something of the sort. The wind behind that sail was so weak, I feel like it may have completely shored the boat. Honestly, whoever wrote that knows nothing about addiction.
I am a recovering addict, but not a
drug addict,
per se. I have used drugs, and maybe I have had addictive tendencies towards them, particularly marijuana, but nothing that really derailed me. What derailed me was my addictions to people and relationships. I'm a love addict.
Love addiction is a hard addiction to understand; it's even harder to work out your personal recovery from it. You can't "just say no" to love, so this addiction teaches you that addiction is deeper than the subject of the addiction - be it love, drugs/alcohol, food, gambling, etc. Addiction grows out of a deep-rooted pain, or void, or something you're trying to avoid.
Every addict's addiction is different. Its causes are different and its manifestations are different, but they all have similar themes - all rooted in a profound lack or loss of love, primarily self-love. By definition, if you had enough self-love, you would not allow yourself to hurt yourself in such ways as the addictive behaviors cause. But that is just the root - there are more layers, of course, and loving yourself is not abstract - it's an
action.
Those who do not fully understand addiction cannot understand that you can be addicted to anything, and that recovery from addiction is not just abstinence (and in some cases, abstinence is not even possible or healthy). The first layer to recovering from addiction is stopping all addictive behaviors; thus, this is why drug/alcohol addicts must stop doing drugs/drinking alcohol. But for a love or food addict, this does not mean stop loving or eating food. It's about the
addictive behaviors around love and food that must stop.
For instance, one of my "addictive behaviors" was something that people in SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) call "double contact", which is the behavior of contacting the object of my affection (O.O.M.A., as I call it) more than once before she replies or contacts me. This is like sending an email, hoping to get a response, not getting a response within whatever timeframe I am feeling I should be getting a response, then sending another email...and then maybe another...and another - this is "double contact". Therefore, my recovery is to
not have "double contact" - that if I send an email and never get a response, I never send another email.
The flexible line here is that this "double contact" behavior is not something I worry about with
everyone in my life - I mean, I may have "double contact" with someone like my mother, whom I do not have these feeling for, and it may be just fine, not stirring up anything negative or painful or addictive. But, if it's someone for whom I am feeling some sort of romantic/sexual affection or just feel some sort of anxious excitement...well, then, I
do have to be careful not to have "double contact" with them. So...it's a very case-by-case, subjective recovery. It's not cut-and-dry like what a lot of people consider drug and alcohol addiction to be. However, I don't think substance addiction is so cut-and-dry, either.
It's not that I don't believe abstinence is appropriate for recovery from substance addiction; it's more that I don't believe that's all there is - that it's all that is necessary for true recovery. No one in 12-step programs thinks that, either, to be honest, so I'm not a pioneer in this belief, just that the general public doesn't seem to understand, that's all. I think the benefit of total abstinence for substance addicts is a matter of pride - not only are you avoiding your addictive behavior, even at its minimum, but you are building a type of
pride in how long you have maintained that avoidance or "sobriety". I have also made the decision to be sober from drugs and alcohol, and I can feel that pride - it's a beautiful thing. You don't want to break it because then you have to start over - and even if you don't tell anyone, you will know. It's a
pride thing.
The pride thing is important for addicts, actually, because this helps us to build that sense of self-love in
actions. Like I said, self-love - or love, in general - is an
action, it's not merely a feeling, emotion, thought, or contemplation. To love means treating the object of that love with care, respect, and joy. When you love yourself, you do things that you love, you make sure that you are not doing things that are not in your best interest or that hurt yourself, and you listen to yourself to see how you feel so you can be better to yourself (and others). By loving yourself well, you are indirectly loving others by taking the burden away from them to have to care for you or watch out for you. You allow them to care for themselves, and to share in the love for each other, if you choose to do so.
When you love yourself, you are able to see your faults more honestly without feeling like you are a complete and utter failure. We are all imperfect, and we all have faults, so to always feel like a complete and utter failure due to one, two, or many errors you have made in your life is absurd. It's absolute absurdity because we are meant to make errors - how else would we ever grow? Think about it: even our tissues overgrow with cells before they kill those cells off to form the correct shape (this happens with our hands, first we form what look kind of like flippers, then certain cells die off to form the individual digits of our fingers and thumbs - it's called "programmed cell death" or "apoptosis". It's a perfectly
normal and
healthy process of growth.)
When you love yourself and see your faults more honestly, you are able to see other people's faults similar to your own, and hopefully that will allow you to judge others less. Maybe you can see that they are just like you - imperfect and worth loving. Sometimes it's harder than other times, so it's perfectly natural that you may not feel a lot of warmth towards everyone else, but at least you may feel it
more than before.
When you love yourself, and you judge others less for their faults, you are basically loving others more, too. And then you may realize that all that pain you felt...from other people's faults...well, it's ok; it was perfectly understandable that you felt (or maybe still feel) that pain, but in the end, you can say, you know what? We're all worthy of love, and I don't need to escape this reality anymore. There is no more void to fill - I have filled it with my own self-love. Then, maybe you can more easily abstain from the addictive behaviors because what you want now is genuine, honest love - from yourself and others. And you find that the more you give it to yourself, the more you feel it for others, and the more you feel it for others, the more they feel it for you in return.
So that's what I'm trying to say: it's not so easy as "just say no to drugs". It's as easy as "just teach each other how to love ourselves and others more and in healthier ways." Can that be a campaign slogan? (JTEOHTLOAOMAIHW)?
