Recognizing Progress

So I still don't have a sponsor through my CoDA (Codependent's Anonymous) program. And I've been going through some codependant challenges lately, so it would be nice to have a sponsor. But there's not a whole lot I can do about that at the moment, so I'm trying to be a sponsor to myself (although that pretty much is contradictory to the concept.) Again, though, I feel like I can't just let myself become a blubbering codependent fool just cause I don't have a sponsor - that's worse.

I thought I'd share this because sometimes in life we have no choice but to take care of ourselves, by ourselves. Doing that can be really challenging for some codependents, while it's the manifestation of other codependent's codependent issues. For me, I generally try to take care of myself but have an intense desire to be taken care of by others but don't know exactly how to go about it, either way. I tend to end up in some sort of denial or blistering ball of tears or self-destruction. In any case, I'm still trying to figure out the best way to deal with my hard feelings.

I've been out of one of my anti-depressants since Saturday. Or Sunday - does it matter? It's been at least three days. Normally it might not have much of an effect on me yet except that there are other triggers going on that are making it harder for me to stay emotionally stable. I hate to admit that I'm not emotionally stable on my own. That feels shameful to me. But, ok, I hear my former therapist saying to take the shame out of it. Ok, no shame - it just is the way it is.

Well, here's what happened: I've been feeling good, having made a new, good friend. I'm thrilled about it, but I'm not used to it. I'm not used to having an emotional/mental intimacy with someone that I'm not also trying to have physical intimacy. They have gone together for so long for me that having them separate clearly triggers something in me. In any case, I need this intimacy! Or maybe - I really, really want it! But it's off-limits to the physical intimacy and that's probably for the best, anyway, seeing as I think there's something related to why I tend to sabotage my relationships here. I mean, I could feel myself edging towards sabotage recently - like last night.

I like my friend and I like her girlfriend - they are an adorable, beautiful couple. They are the same age and have a lot in common, at least superficially, but I'm sure more than I know, otherwise. I'm nine years older than they are, although my friend is quite mature for her age and I may be somewhat immature (or just very young at heart). I feel for her girlfriend because we spent several evenings in a row together last week and it could've appeared to others like we're dating - I know how hard that can be for a girlfriend. I've been that girlfriend before. I've also been cheated on. It's extremely hard to have the self-awareness and ability to rise above the feelings of insecurity and possible jealousy that arise from having your significant other spend a significant amount of time and/or intimacy with someone else, even without any accompanying physical intimacy. So anyway, I have sympathy for my friend's girlfriend because I would honestly have a hard time if I were in her shoes. I have expressed my gratitude towards her, but at the same time I have found myself having those physical desires. And I could feel myself feeling that all-too-familar feeling of wanting more from someone else who's already giving me quite a lot (my new, good friend).

I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the feelings and for taking the time to re-evaluate - to work through the feelings! I decided to stay in last night (instead of going over to their apartment, which I was invited to do because I was having a rough day/evening - something that shows her friendship, yet again). I cried it out a little then set myself up in the bath. I smoked a bowl and had a beer while I sat in the bath and really thought about it.

I remembered that I've been focusing too much on others again and not enough on myself, which easily explains the discomfort and the erratic feelings of self-worth that I've been having recently. It's ok that I'm still single - it's because I have things I am working on and need to work on prior to starting anything again. And I realized, this desire for more comes from not focusing on myself - I want more from others when I give myself less. So I need to re-focus on myself when I find myself feeling like I need more from someone else - meet my own needs. I need to feel loved. So I need to love myself.

A friend told me over the summer that she sees loving herself as doing the things that she loves to do - or giving herself what she loves. I find this to be a great way to actively love myself because otherwise it seems too enigmatic - like what does it mean to feel loved by yourself? Cause I already intellectually love myself - everything about me is that I almost always know what I'm "supposed" to feel or do, it's just that I don't completely feel those things. My former therapist said that "the longest road is from your head to your heart". I completely embody that statement. It's why I could always "trick" my therapists into thinking I'm perfectly healthy. I know what to say, how a healthy person would feel, etc etc. I just didn't feel it - at least not completely. [At some point, I figured out that it wasn't helpful for me to "trick" my therapists...that if I actually wanted to improve, I needed to be as honest as possible...so no worries - I'm always honest, now!]

Anyway, so taking that bath was loving myself. Calling my doctor to get a few extra pills while I wait for my prescription refill to be delivered is loving myself. Writing this post to remind myself what I did right is loving myself. Letting myself cry when I feel it - no matter where - is loving myself.

I'm progressing. Recognizing that is loving myself.