With You

Well, I told my therapist that I need to take a "break" from her for a little while to figure out if I can continue seeing her. I'm not going to go into the details as to how this came about but I did want to write about how I'm feeling in regards to it.

It feels the same way it feels when I break up with a girlfriend.

It feels similar to when I started to detach from my mom as the all and end-all authority in my life - which this therapist helped me to do when I started to see her in the spring of this year.

I guess it's the feeling of fear and abandonment - or fear of abandonment. But I'm not being abandoned - I'm stepping up to take care of myself. The fear is that I won't be able to take care of myself in the absence of these other people. I feel myself craving someone to hold me right now. But it's just me. And I guess that's what I need to deal with right now - how to hold myself in times of trouble. ("...Mother Mary comes to me...speaking words of wisdom, let it be...")

Also, I guess that's where 'faith' in something greater, larger, bigger, higher than just myself comes in. Not better than myself, not separate from myself, but more all-inclusive and all-encompassing. It's where the fabric of the universe in which I am imbedded (and you and everyone else...including my sister and my friend who are no longer embodied in this realm) can come to hold me and guide me through the fear and pain. I know I am not alone. (But of course part of me doesn't know this...because I still need to remind myself...)

Maybe instead of saying I am not alone, it would be more comforting to say "I'm with you".

[In fact, 'With You' is the name of a documentary about one of the founders of my rugby team, the SF-FOG, named Mark Bingham who helped take down the terrorists on 9/11 on flight United 93. Check out the info about the documentary and donate if you feel moved (which, how can you not feel moved?!).]