November: Truce?

This month, November, gets to me every year. Well, really, every year since November 25th, 1992: the day my sister and nephew died (and his father/her boyfriend/fiance).

For the past 19 years, this month has crept up on me, inside my soul - I swear my body knows it before I do. This month sends me spiraling into sadness - but I often forget the power my subconscious has over me in this way. I'm not stupid - I know it's not the month's fault! November is just a section of time that we have given a name. It recurs every year, but it's never the exact same section of time (it's not November, 1992 anymore). I am just remembering it because other things are similar - the air getting colder and thinner, the nights getting longer, Halloween having just passed and people getting ready for the holiday season starting with Thanksgiving. So really, it's me. I'm the one bringing myself back to that devastating day, that devastating feeling, the worst day of my life. One thing I am sort of grateful for - I have already lived the worst day of my life. I mean, I don't like to tempt fate too much by thinking about that too hard cause I know it could be worse - it can be worse. I just think that it being the first of its kind in my life (tragedy) that it would have to be like 10 times worse for it to be that bad or worse again, so I'm hoping that was it. That was the worst day.

But I relive it every year (sort of). My body seems to, at least. Like a couple of nights ago I dreamed about my sister and nephew again, but they were alive and then they were dead again - like I had to go through that again (as if I forgot?). Sometimes I have these types of dreams and they sort of repeat and so I get kind of confused and when I wake up it takes me a few minutes of really thinking about it for me to remember, no, they've been dead for some time now. I honestly don't understand what it's all about. If I'm working through something in my dreams, what is it?

In any case, I'm well aware of the fact that it's all in my own control, just below the level of my usual conscious control. Don't get me wrong - I love getting to see them in my dreams, getting to spend time with them! I just don't love when I wake up and have to remind myself it was just a dream or how I seem to spend much of my time feeling sad in November. For instance, I've been feeling really badly about myself lately in various ways, but I think that's me just feeling low and not putting in enough effort to realize it's not that I'm bad, it's that I feel badly. I feel badly, like nothing's gonna feel good again because that's what I remember feeling this month, 19 years ago. Yet, the memory of that feeling has kept it alive in me for this long - every year, in November.

But that's just silly. I don't need to keep that memory alive in me anymore (well, the bad feelings memory - I don't think it's useful to try to "forget" about my sister/nephew's deaths.)  My life doesn't have to feel like that anymore. So I'd like to re-direct my feelings from that nightmare to feelings of love, peace and joy. How do I do that?

The answer is that I don't know. But first, maybe, I'll ask November, itself, for a truce. Hey, November, you killed my sister, but you also gave life to some of my favorite people: my friend, Abby, on Nov.5th, my favorite teacher, Mr.Dalton, on Nov.11th (I think?), and one of my best friends ever, Ellen, on Nov.21st. So...truce?