I had my weekly therapy session today. I feel like I mostly argued with my therapist today, which is kind of uncomfortable, to be honest. It's a weird tug-o-war - I mean, I want to get healthy and be the best me I can be, well-adjusted and able to navigate this life with as much ease and contentment as possible, while I also sometimes feel reluctant to completely let go of who I've come to understand myself to be. I'm having a hard time with that today in particular.
Here's the situation: I know that I am a very "open" person. Like here, on this blog of mine, I've decided to allow myself to be as completely honest and revealing as I would be in my own personal journal - and it's here for public viewing. I know this is atypical, but I never really thought of it as being unhealthy until recently. I'm still not sold on it being unhealthy. I've always thought it was just part of who I am - I am very forthright, very honest, raw, "open", revealing, etc. etc. I even thought it was one of my best qualities. Recently, however, I've come to question this behavior or characteristic (whichever it is). Mostly, I think it makes other people uncomfortable. And I think my therapist is implying that it is one of my unhealthy behaviors - that I do it as a maladaptive behavior. Because I have given my therapist the authority to tell me those things, I am seriously considering this idea. But I guess I'm feeling really protective, even defensive about this characteristic - I feel like sure, it may make other people uncomfortable, but I think that's cause they're more uncomfortable that I'm revealing my innards while they may have little to no clue of their own...and/or they are ashamed of their innards. (By innards I mean their inner depths of thought and emotion - you know, like all the shit I've been laying out here in my blog.) In other words, I think the discomfort other people feel when I am so revealing has more to do with them than it has to do with me.
Having said all of that, I still find myself self-doubting. Maybe it is unhealthy. Maybe I'd have an easier time navigating this life in the social arena if I was more reserved, less revealing. And then, along these lines, I find myself starting to get really anxious because 1) I've been this way since I can remember...I don't remember not being so "open" even if it was just to a few or even one person at a time, so I don't feel confident that I can change it and 2) I don't know that I want to change it - like I said, I've thought of it as one of my best characteristics. People have said it about me, too - that they think it's one of my best, and unique characteriscs (obviously not everyone, I know I've scared some people off...). What do people know about what is and is not healthy, though, right? I mean, 95% of love songs reflect really unhealthy beliefs about relationships. And yet "people" consider them to be "romantic" and desireable.
The other part is that I'm supposed to be working on my self-confidence, self-esteem, feelings of self-worth. Ok, so I actually like this aspect of myself yet I feel like I'm supposed to change it, like it really isn't any good. Ok, it's very possible and even likely that I've over-analyzed my therapy session today and that I've projected some of my insecurities onto my therapist or have done some transferance, as if I expect her to tell me that there's something wrong with this "openness". What I need to do is talk to her more about it, of course. But it's not just today's session that has led me to feel this way - I've felt it before from other sessions with her and from other people, even before I started seeing her. It's been a nagging feeling but...
But I still feel like it's perfectly ok for me to be as "open" and revealing as I want to be. And some people will appreciate it, even. Those who are put-off by it, well...I just have to accept that not everyone is going to like who I am, no matter how much they know about me (often, the more they know about me!) But that's just the way life is. I'm trying to accept that fact - not everyone is going to like me. Some people are going to find out more about me and discover that they don't like who I am, even if they seemed to like me at first.
I guess I'm just saying - I like me. And I'm not going to change the things I like about me.
[Update...later...] So I just came back from a CoDA meeting where I brought this up. This time, though, I admitted that usually when I argue with my therapist I am arguing because I don't like what she's saying about me. The truth is - maybe there is some unhealthiness here. What I talked about with her is that I often feel like I'm running out of time...like all of my relationships, whether they be friends or lovers or I guess even family in some cases, are only here for a short period of time - and somehow I believe if I can let the person know who I really am - all of me or as much of me as possible in that short period of time - they will like me and want to extend the relationship beyond the tenuous cut-off time that I feel. For instance, if you read previous posts, you may notice that I repeatedly said that the girl I was last dating never really knew me - never really took the time to get to know me. I felt like she dropped me before she got to know me and make an informed decision. But maybe...maybe she knew enough to know she didn't like me. I mean, apparently she did (even though she said the opposite - that she did like me. Obviously her own behaviors betrayed her there. At least, that's how I interpret it.)
Anyway, so I'm back to feeling pretty crappy about myself - like I'm broken and there's little hope for me to fix me. Cause here I am, writing this on my blog - I'm posting it to the world! At least, though, I do not expect anything from anyone in response to this blog. So I guess it is a little bit different.
And you know what? I feel like I have good reason to feel like time is constantly running out on me and my opportunities for relationships. For one, my sister died before I got a chance to be the adult, mature sibling to her that one grows into with age; my nephew died at two months old - I practically had no time with him at all, as if he never existed. And my friend, Abby, died too soon, too - I thought I'd have more time! So yeah, these fears I have, this feeling of time running out - it's not abstract, it's for real. Time has run out in some cases. And you never know - you never can know when someone might die next - I could even die tomorrow. You might never know, you might just think I stopped posting. But I'd be gone and I probably wouldn't have been able to even say goodbye.
That's what it's like - when time runs out, it's sudden and feels like a loose end that cannot be tied up - like a mid-sentence cut-off. No rhyme or reason. So I have good reason to want to get it out, share myself as quickly as possible. Cause who knows - I might be gone in an instant - or you might be - and then it's gone forever....
