Rewritten

I've listened to this one RadioLab episode on memory a gazillion times (ok, maybe 3-4 times) because it's the only one that actually got downloaded to my iTunes library. (ok, it was an episode on memory and forgetting - but I guess I forgot that part! Ha!) One of the most astonishing features of the episode is on the experiments that were performed on rodents, then in human trials, that showed the use of a ribosomal inhibitor (which blocks protein formation) in blocking memory formation, then they showed how it could also "erase" memories when the rat or human was remembering that particular memory, kind of like the idea in that Jim Carey movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

So, actually, I have a strong opinion about their interpretation of the results - they (the scientists and the show's producers/creators) are trying to suggest that they can actually erase these traumatic memories that the people in the trials had. What they showed was that this inhibitor drug actually de-coupled their traumatic emotions from the memories, rather than erasing the memories, themselves. I think that's actually the key element in the story - this decoupling of emotion from memory. Even in the rat experiments, they cannot say whether or not they erased the memory of the shock or if they just erased the fright that they associated with the shock, as conditioned to them by the signal. (I actually cannot remember the details right now of the experiment, but I do remember the gist - and I recall my emotions regarding it! I didn't take the drug.)

The other interesting part of the story that I agree with their interpretation of is that each time we remember something, we are reforming our emotional connection with that memory (again, this is how I would say it rather than reforming the memory, itself). It is like we are re-writing how we feel about the past every time we remember it. This actually makes sense, doesn't it? Doesn't this seem intuitively true?

Of course, this interpretation implies that we don't actually need to take a drug to re-write our emotional coupling with our memory, just that we need to consciously alter that emotional coupling - make that choice while actually remembering the memory. In fact, this research provides a mechanism for how talk therapy can re-wire our emotional coupling with our memories - by remembering a traumatic memory and talking through it with a therapist in a safe environment, where the therapist can help you to change your emotional out-take of that memory, you can de-couple the emotion from the event, thus resolving it to the degree of not having it affect you in the same way anymore, so that you can move on with your life.

I don't necessarily think we always need to work out our painful memories with a therapist. I also think we do it, naturally. We are constantly changing our emotional connection to memories in both directions, especially when it comes to relationships. For instance, when you're in love with someone, everything they do seems nearly perfect and you are elated with them - the memories are happy, lovely, etc. But then when there's a painful break-up, you might remember those very same events with a very different emotional connection - now it is painful, now it hurts to remember it. I think it's hard for us to know what is true and what is not - is this pain more real than the love and joy that were connected to that memory previously?

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm doing some re-writing right now, too. Or re-re-writing some emotional connections to memories. The joy and the pain were both real at the times that I experienced them with this person I am remembering, but what does that mean about the true, objective reality of who this person is and how we interacted? I guess I am willing to re-write this story, or at least add an addendum to the previous one.

Dramatic Relationships

Do you ever wonder why some relationships (including friendships) are more drama-filled than others?

I sure do.

The thing is - it's clearly the relationship, not exactly just the people, you know? For instance, the same individuals, let's name them Jane and Max, can have a very good, serene relationship with each other, while Jane might have a really drama-filled relationship with, say, Tina, but Tina and Max have a fine relationship, which is not drama-filled. Maybe Max, too, has a separate relationship with someone named Jackie that is also full of drama. You see - it's not any of the individuals that are the cause of the drama - it's the relationship.

Ok, yes, there are some individuals who are more prone to drama than others - agreed. But I don't think that's the whole story. But I do think I know what the key is: the key is how at least one person in the relationship feels about the relationship - as in, I think one person (and maybe only one person) has a strong fear of losing the relationship because of whatever reasons, while the other may or may not (and maybe it's that they don't have the same fear, I'm not sure you'd necessarily get the same degree of drama if the other person felt the same way, but maybe.)

I'm thinking about this because I've been on both ends of a dramatic relationship: I've been the person who was afraid of losing the relationship because it meant too much to me, and I've also been the other person in the relationship who doesn't care as much about whether or not the relationship exists anymore. So what happens is that something triggers the person who is afraid of losing the relationship to signal that the relationship is in jeopardy, then they start feeling hurt, angry, defensive, etc. and begin to act out in telling, dramatic ways. This, of course, just drives the wedge deeper between the two people in the relationship and the person who doesn't care as much will back off even more.

Well, this is the story of the love addict and the love avoidant; or the dance of the codependents. The love addict is trying to control the situation (stop the feeling of abandonment/losss) out of a real fear of losing something that can almost feel like losing one's life. Obviously, that sounds dramatic, but that's why the behavior becomes so dramatic. The fear is of a feeling of dying - if you lose that relationship, that love, then you might as well be dead. The hard part is recognizing this feeling and bringing it to light so as to examine it and de-mystify it; grasp the reality of the situation. (As in, you're not going to die. The pain is bearable.)

Anyway, coming out of this pattern is obviously a long process and is not easy. For instance, I am recovering from love addiction, myself, and I have had these types of dramatic relationships, as I said. I can control whether or not I behave dramatically, but I cannot control whether or not others behave dramatically towards me. As I said, I've been on both ends, and even though I'm not on the one end (the love addict), I guess I still have (or have had) some relationships where I'm on the other end (the love avoidant). It's weird to be on this end and having to step away from a relationship with someone who is behaving in a way that is almost like a mirror image of myself in past relationships. It's ugly. It's unattractive. And I feel sad about it because I know how she feels.

But part of my recovery is stepping away from these relationships - not partaking in the drama anymore. If she were to change, enter recovery, whatever - that would be a different story, something else to consider. But that's not the case. So I have to step away.

But it is a reflection to consider.

I am so very sorry for how I must have made others feel. I guess that's why there's that step where we make amends. Hmmm.

This Woman

This song came up on my queue, reminding me of the need to try to make more friends, build more relationships. I don't feel great about admitting it, but I'm kind of lonely. I suppose the admission is not the thing I feel uncomfortable with - it's the fact of the feeling.

I always think of my friend, Abby, when I knew she was in the hospital, dying, when I hear this song. How I would've done anything. I asked later if it could've been possible - if I could've donated one of my lungs. Someone told me that it wouldn't really be advisable, or even maybe it was not possible at all. In any case, if one were to donate half of their lungs to save someone else, they wouldn't be able to do a lot of things - like play sports, most likely. I like to play sports. But I'd have given that up for her. Sometimes I even wish I could've switched places completely.

But yeah, that's not my decision to make. Or we already made these choices beforehand. In any case, here I am, alive, needing to keep living. Not just surviving.

I can only do so much on my own.

It would be nice to have some more human interactions. It would be nice to have a few good friends and maybe even...well, it would be nice to have some loving affection.

Ok. Well, all I can do is keep on moving forward. Take care of myself - treat myself well - and the rest will work itself out.