Recognizing Progress

So I still don't have a sponsor through my CoDA (Codependent's Anonymous) program. And I've been going through some codependant challenges lately, so it would be nice to have a sponsor. But there's not a whole lot I can do about that at the moment, so I'm trying to be a sponsor to myself (although that pretty much is contradictory to the concept.) Again, though, I feel like I can't just let myself become a blubbering codependent fool just cause I don't have a sponsor - that's worse.

I thought I'd share this because sometimes in life we have no choice but to take care of ourselves, by ourselves. Doing that can be really challenging for some codependents, while it's the manifestation of other codependent's codependent issues. For me, I generally try to take care of myself but have an intense desire to be taken care of by others but don't know exactly how to go about it, either way. I tend to end up in some sort of denial or blistering ball of tears or self-destruction. In any case, I'm still trying to figure out the best way to deal with my hard feelings.

I've been out of one of my anti-depressants since Saturday. Or Sunday - does it matter? It's been at least three days. Normally it might not have much of an effect on me yet except that there are other triggers going on that are making it harder for me to stay emotionally stable. I hate to admit that I'm not emotionally stable on my own. That feels shameful to me. But, ok, I hear my former therapist saying to take the shame out of it. Ok, no shame - it just is the way it is.

Well, here's what happened: I've been feeling good, having made a new, good friend. I'm thrilled about it, but I'm not used to it. I'm not used to having an emotional/mental intimacy with someone that I'm not also trying to have physical intimacy. They have gone together for so long for me that having them separate clearly triggers something in me. In any case, I need this intimacy! Or maybe - I really, really want it! But it's off-limits to the physical intimacy and that's probably for the best, anyway, seeing as I think there's something related to why I tend to sabotage my relationships here. I mean, I could feel myself edging towards sabotage recently - like last night.

I like my friend and I like her girlfriend - they are an adorable, beautiful couple. They are the same age and have a lot in common, at least superficially, but I'm sure more than I know, otherwise. I'm nine years older than they are, although my friend is quite mature for her age and I may be somewhat immature (or just very young at heart). I feel for her girlfriend because we spent several evenings in a row together last week and it could've appeared to others like we're dating - I know how hard that can be for a girlfriend. I've been that girlfriend before. I've also been cheated on. It's extremely hard to have the self-awareness and ability to rise above the feelings of insecurity and possible jealousy that arise from having your significant other spend a significant amount of time and/or intimacy with someone else, even without any accompanying physical intimacy. So anyway, I have sympathy for my friend's girlfriend because I would honestly have a hard time if I were in her shoes. I have expressed my gratitude towards her, but at the same time I have found myself having those physical desires. And I could feel myself feeling that all-too-familar feeling of wanting more from someone else who's already giving me quite a lot (my new, good friend).

I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the feelings and for taking the time to re-evaluate - to work through the feelings! I decided to stay in last night (instead of going over to their apartment, which I was invited to do because I was having a rough day/evening - something that shows her friendship, yet again). I cried it out a little then set myself up in the bath. I smoked a bowl and had a beer while I sat in the bath and really thought about it.

I remembered that I've been focusing too much on others again and not enough on myself, which easily explains the discomfort and the erratic feelings of self-worth that I've been having recently. It's ok that I'm still single - it's because I have things I am working on and need to work on prior to starting anything again. And I realized, this desire for more comes from not focusing on myself - I want more from others when I give myself less. So I need to re-focus on myself when I find myself feeling like I need more from someone else - meet my own needs. I need to feel loved. So I need to love myself.

A friend told me over the summer that she sees loving herself as doing the things that she loves to do - or giving herself what she loves. I find this to be a great way to actively love myself because otherwise it seems too enigmatic - like what does it mean to feel loved by yourself? Cause I already intellectually love myself - everything about me is that I almost always know what I'm "supposed" to feel or do, it's just that I don't completely feel those things. My former therapist said that "the longest road is from your head to your heart". I completely embody that statement. It's why I could always "trick" my therapists into thinking I'm perfectly healthy. I know what to say, how a healthy person would feel, etc etc. I just didn't feel it - at least not completely. [At some point, I figured out that it wasn't helpful for me to "trick" my therapists...that if I actually wanted to improve, I needed to be as honest as possible...so no worries - I'm always honest, now!]

Anyway, so taking that bath was loving myself. Calling my doctor to get a few extra pills while I wait for my prescription refill to be delivered is loving myself. Writing this post to remind myself what I did right is loving myself. Letting myself cry when I feel it - no matter where - is loving myself.

I'm progressing. Recognizing that is loving myself.

"Never Take Anything Personally"

So a friend of mine showed me a book the other day (well, technically I just saw it in her car and looked at it.) It's called, The Four Agreements, and it's about this guy who had a near-death experience (which caught my eye cause I'm really interested in these) who has a profound spiritual awakening because of it (which is typical for experiencers) and made these four agreements - like promises to himself on how to live his life based on what he realized about life and reality and after-life, etc. (that it's really about loving more and better).

Anyway, I can only remember two of the four agreements at the moment. One I've got down fairly well - already have been trying to live it since I can remember - to keep "your word impeccable". I like to think that, for the most part, my word is as solid as it can be - if I say I'm going to do something, you bet I'm gonna do it, etc. This has been a huge deal to me - I guess I see it as reliability and if you can't be reliable, then everything about you can be doubted and nothing that you say is solid or sacred or real and you could easily be ignored. (Interesting that I use that language - does this value of mine stem from feelings of being ignored or abandoned when I was growing up? Hmmm...) Anyway, so ok, check that. It's the other agreement that I'm ruminating over right now: "Never take anything personally."

Never? ANYTHING? Oy vey - so basically the goal is to never think that someone else's choices, feelings, opinions, etc. etc. is about me or something being wrong with me?!? Whoa. That's like the reverse of all the feelings I've ever had in my life. (Ok, so that's a bit dramatic, but I have, sadly, spent many, many, many hours/days/months/years deriving my feelings of self-worth from others so that sentence is not far off from the truth.) I mean, in CoDA (codependant's anonymous), we talk about re-directing our  feelings of self-worth from ourselves instead of others, but we don't explicitly say to "never take anything personally".

My initial feeling about that agreement or promise is that I doubt I can do it. Then my next feeling is - is it even possible? Or even right/correct? Then I think about one of my best buddies. He comes across as a very happy, jolly-go-lucky, sweet, loving and fun guy - very charismatic! Most people are drawn to him (my belief is that the people that aren't drawn to him or who are even "repelled" by him have serious issues to deal with cause he's seriously one of the nicest, sweetest, funnest people I've ever met. And so non-judgmental. He's just one of those types of people you can't imagine why anyone would ever not adore!). I think about the way he lives his life - he doesn't seem to take anything personally! Even if people act kinda rude to him or their actions could be seen as not terribly kind, etc., he either ignores it or he just seems to pretend they aren't being rude/unkind, etc. It's like he's decided everyone has good intentions towards him unless explicity said otherwise and then he just ignores them and continues with his life without missing a step. I mean, this is how it appears on the outside. I know for a fact that things affect him, but even then they don't affect him to the same degree that they affect others and to the same negative outcome. I don't mean to imply it's easy for him - I also know he works hard to feel good about himself by himself. I know he gets down, I know that repetitive downtrodding on him will get him down - but he really is amazingly strong. He has an uncanny ability to rise above it all. I've always admired this about him. And to be truly honest, I've been jealous of him for this and for the fact that he's so well-adored to the degree that sometimes it can be over-shadowing to others. But I realize that's not his issue - it's mine. I'm the one that has the problem with letting things go. And letting other people think shitty things about me and not get all wrapped up in it as if it really means I'm a shitty person. These things are hard for me, and for most people.

But I know how to work hard, so I know I can do it - I can work hard to never take anything personally. That's my new goal (well, an addition to other goals I have such as being an "all-loving being" - I actually think this fits perfectly under the umbrella of that overall goal). It's a lofty goal cause I know how hard it's going to be for me. It's going to take a lot of stopping and thinking about my immediate reactions/feelings to adversity - then re-directing those feelings into something else such as love for the other.

But I'm up for it. Why not, right? What else is there to do, feel like shit? Yeah, I've already done that. Done with it. Now it's time to feel good.

First Challenge

Ok, so my self-imposed 6 month stay on dating is about to be lifted (December 8th, I guess? I don't know why I chose that date...) Thus, I will be self-allowed to date if I so desire.

I've definitely been feeling the weight of my solitude lately - not due to loneliness (I'm doing better on that front), but more due to feeling a need for physical affection. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to date anyone, though. Mostly, I know I'm not ready to have my heart crushed again and I feel like I need to be ready for that if I'm going to put it out there. Also, I promised myself I wouldn't date again until I stopped finding myself attracted to unavailable people (or found myself attracted to available people). Clearly, that has not happened, either.

There's no pressure, of course. It's not like I have a ton of ladies knocking down my door (as I kinda thought would happen when I moved to the bay area six years ago...sadly, it did not happen.) I mean, not even one. Or if there is one or many that are interested, I'm not very aware of it. Except for one. But she's not available. And it is a little strange that I know that she's at least somewhat interested. And equally unnerving is that I am at least somewhat interested, too. But she's not available - and not just in that "emotionally unavailable" wishy washy shit, I mean she's dating someone else. The last thing I want to do is fuck up someone else's relationship. Well, that might not be the last thing I want to do, but it's certainly not up there on my list of things I want to do.

I like to pride myself on not usually being attracted to people who are in relationships already, or people who would never date someone like me (whether they're straight or just not into the more masculine type of lesbian). I think the key is that I'm not attracted to people that aren't attracted to me, but as soon as they show some sort of interest, all of the other parameters no longer affect my feelings. Again, is this because of my need to be loved due to a lack of self-love? My abandonment issues? Well, my abandonment issues do get triggered when someone likes me at one point then turns around and dislikes me at another, especially if I can't figure out what happened to make their feelings change. I know I've gone through this before in previous posts - yes, people have the right to and will change their feelings for whatever reasons or non-reasons that they feel and I don't have the right to know or do anything about it. Again, hence not feeling up for that unpredictability.

The dilemma is that I am itching for affection...like I can feel my insides itching. And I find myself attracted to someone that is a dangerous person to be attracted to (because if it went anywhere right now it would definitely turn into drama.) Not to mention, if she were available, would I be as attracted to her? I'd like to think, yes, but then I don't know what the truth is in that regard. I mean, I'd like to think I'm not attracted to her because she's unavailable! Sheesh - then I should be attracted to half the world! or 90% or something, right? And that's sooo not true - I'm usually not attracted to anybody! My attractions are more rare - few and far between.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this since it's my first challenge to my dating block. Well, in that there's someone I'm sort of interested in dating but cannot date. I'm sure it'll pass and I'll be back to cooler weather on the inside. And there's nothing insignificant about friendships. I'm very grateful for that. I'm also grateful for my CoDA meeting tonight. They'll understand how I'm feeling, I'm sure! (and if they don't, they can't respond to my "share" so...I'll just pretend that they do.)