Fools

Yesterday was my sister's 39th birthday. Or, rather, would-have been if she had lived past 19.

Friday, January 20th, was my older brother's 36th birthday. He had been dating a girl that he was really into for the past couple of months or so, albeit long-distance - he's in Portland, OR, she's in Orlando, FL. He flew there on Friday to spend a week with her for his birthday. Yesterday, my Mom emailed me to let me know that he was on his way back to Portland with a broken heart.

Feeling foolish.

I cried. Even other people's broken hearts hurt me. Even if I think it's best that the relationship end. I still feel the sadness of the loss.

But especially for my brother - for my family. It just feels like it's not working for us - although he had been married. I haven't had anything of any real significance as far as romantic relationships are concerned. It has all been remedial. I've known high school students who have had longer relationships than I've ever had. Yeah, it makes me feel...behind. Slow. Immature. Inadequate.

And foolish.

Maybe part of the problem has been my idea of what a significant relationship is. Time may not be the proper definer, although it seems to me like it would be a decent correlate - how long would you stay in a bad relationship? The answer for me is 2-2.5 years. Oo how exciting that I have that kind of data. [very sarcastic.]

The foolishness is in the hope and going for the hope with such fortitude. I mean, you kinda have to or why bother at all, right? I'm not sure.

Well, it looks like I may have over-estimated the prospect of me and my friend ever being together. I guess I didn't know what the prospect was but, again, attached myself to some level of hope. Now I'm shaving that attachment again. Like usual.

I often feel foolish when I'm having to detach myself from someone or, rather, some feeling. I guess feeling foolish comes from feeling ashamed. I suppose the shame comes from feeling like a failure. And what is it that failed?

I mean, honestly, why does it make me feel ashamed, like a failure, like a fool for ever thinking maybe...? Intellectually, I know that's ridiculous! Emotionally, I totally feel it... Another disconnect.

Happy Post

I feel like I'm on the verge of the rest of my life.

I guess we're always on that verge.

or maybe we're just there

living it.

I just got back from this amazing, relaxing, absolutely GORGEOUS vacation in Vieques, Puerto Rico! Nothing went wrong - everything, essentially, went right! And now...now I'm back in Oakland...and it feels like things are still going right!

At the same time, I'm terrified of how things might go...and so I feel frozen, unable to do anything. At least, nothing that "rocks the boat". I guess I'll just go with whatever goes. Essentially, I'm feeling a lot of good feelings - some just because I was just in the most beautiful place on Earth with two of my good friends - one of my all-time best friends - and had an incredible vacation so that I'm really quite serene right now. And I'm kinda having some very joyous feelings for a person that I feel like may be having joyous feelings for me, too, but it's kind of an off-limits thing cause she's still dating someone else. Because of that, I feel kinda badly about having these feelings. Like "thaw shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" or whatever, you know? But to me it's not because of some "rule" that God made or something, just that it's not cool, you know? Like would I want that to happen to me? No! Of course not! So that's how I know it's not ok. But it's also happening beyond my control. What I can control is my behavior in response to it, which is easy because I have no choice but to do nothing. That I know. So, in a way, it's perfectly fine to feel this way and maybe I can revel in it a little without feeling too guilty about it, as long as I keep it under wraps, right?

Right. That's hard for me to do. I know me. I tend to give myself away all the time - I wear my feelings on my sleeve. There are no secrets that my body can keep. Essentially, I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel and maybe everyone else does, too. I don't think I'm very good at hiding how I feel about someone - but then again, I've had multiple girlfriends or people I dated that said they didn't know if I was interested in them until I basically outright told them. I find that interesting - maybe I err a bit to the other side when I'm interested in someone, essentially purposefully acting like I'm not interested in them. I don't know. If I've ever done that, it's been completely subconscious. I certainly don't try to mislead others. But I might be scared of rejection. Ok, no, I'm definitely terrified of rejection.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post how I'm feeling right now cause it's just plain good! I want to sit with these good feelings for a little bit - just enjoy them without needing to know where they'll lead. That, again, is unusual for me - I usually feel like I need to do something about my feelings. But here, in this case, I think it's safe to say that I need to do absolutely nothing!

I Was Engaged Once, Too

It's weird to me. The way it's all been panning out. I wouldn't have thought...no, this is nothing like I imagined.

I'm talking about my life.

The thing is - I wonder when it took that turn down the path I didn't know I was taking. Or did I? Maybe I always thought it would be an adventure...

Here, I'll explain a little.

When I was young, I dreamed of growing up, doing whatever it is I wanted to do - like being an artist or musician - then I'd fall in love, get married and start a family. I really thought it was my own idea of what I wanted - I had no notion that it might've been influenced by what "society" wants or what we're taught to want. I genuinely wanted it.

Of course, at some point - in high school, actually - it became clear that I wasn't dreaming of having a husband, but, rather, a wife. Then, of course, I considered that it's not legal for two women to get married in this country (at the time, it was hardly legal anywhere!). Anyway, that's probably the first turn off the path - I thought, well, we don't have to get married - but I did think of it as like a marriage, just without the legal turmoil. Then, the next step - a pretty big step, albeit I thought it was just a curiosity at the time - I majored in biology in college. Momentarily, after college, I tried to come back to becoming a musician - I even started a music technology program at NYU.

Ok, then there were several quick decisions made in succession. First, we (that girlfriend and I) moved from New York City to Pittsburgh, PA. Then, I applied for graduate school at the University of Pittsburgh for molecular, cell, developmental and biochemical biology. Then, well...maybe first should've been that I started dating her even after flaming red flags had blazed in the first week of the relationship. Then I made the choice to go to NYU instead of trying to figure out how I'd be able to go to the schools I got into in England that were more composition-based, anyway, which would've been more what I was interested in pursuing. But I chose New York because I had a girlfriend that couldn't leave the country with me. Maybe that was the big clincher - that girlfriend. Cause she got me into drugs which was one of the main reasons for us to leave New York (not to mention the cost of living).

Anyway, after we moved, she cheated on me several times and after the second time (maybe?) she said she was so sorry that she went out and bought an engagement ring and proposed to me. I was 23 and she was 19. It did not feel real or genuine - but I still said yes. I mean, I had no idea what to say or do, let alone what to feel. I was so hurt and so sad...I wanted the pain to go away and what she was offering was what I'd always wanted...so I went for it. [This is a classic example of codependent behavior. I was the most codependent I've ever been while dating her. And it was the longest relationship I've ever had - 2.5 years. I'm still trying to fix the me that dated her. We broke up over ten years ago.]

We were living at my parents' house that summer and my Mom saw me wearing the ring and asked if it was an engagement ring. I said yes it was. So she threw a little party (well, just gathered the family) with a cake and everything. It wasn't at all the way I dreamed it would be. It felt so gross to be playing this part that...that came from hurt, not love. I think I even cried afterwards.

The reason for this whole thought was because another ex of mine got engaged to her trans-boyfriend recently (posted on facebook yesterday, I think). It's not that I want to marry her. (We were chemically incompatible - I got rashes!) It's just...well, I think I give off some sort of romance repellant... Anyway, I was just about to give an inventory of my ex-girlfriends and see who's married, engaged, etc. But forget it. It's just sad. Yeah, some have gotten married, had kids, etc. And I don't talk to the others - well, I don't really talk to any of them. I always find that to be the strangest part of romantic relationships - how you can be so, so very intimate with someone...and then WOOSH! It's all gone upon someone's changing feelings. It always feels like the floor dropping out from underneath me. Is that codependency? Or is that normal grief? I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm not sure about all of these things anymore - if I'm ever gonna have that kind of long-lasting relationship, if I'll raise children, if I'll ever become that musician/artist that I dreamt of becoming... Well, we'll see.