As a recovering love addict/codependent, it's not surprising that I have trouble with feelings about myself - whether they be good or bad. Essentially, I believe my issue is with the inherent non-objectivity that those feelings entail. And that bothers me, which might be why I do look outside of myself for how I "should" feel about myself. But no, that's wrong, too. That's not helpful, either.
So, to be completely truthful, I think I'm probably just fine. But I've been swinging lately - really big swings - from feeling like I-might-be-a-genius and that I'm-fucking-hilarious and not-too-bad-looking and what-a-sweetheart to feeling like I'm an asshole and all-I-do-is-fuck-up and when-are-"they"-gonna-figure-it-out-that-I'm-a-lazy-shit-and-fire-me and where's-the-hole-for-me-to-bury-myself-in-for-the-rest-of-my-life-to-hide-from-my-humiliation-caused-by-me. It's like there's no in-between - as if I can't just be ok. Fine. A decent person trying to do her best most of the time but still struggling at times - not only to do her best, but to be her best.
Yeah, I guess I like to disperse some personal posts in with the more intellectual posts. I guess it's partly because you can't take the scientist out of the science or the artist out of the art, you know? And maybe it's also partly because this is who I am - I'm all these things at the same time. Well, maybe not at the same time - it does fluctuate. For instance, right now I'm in a lull and I may need to release some anxiety/pent-up-feelings (of?) by crying. I'd prefer to wait until I get home, but I tend to find the most inconvenient time and place to cry - usually on the BART on my way home. Yay. Can't wait for the uncomfortable looks (both ways). Maybe...maybe I won't cry. Maybe I don't need to. I don't know, but I did just tear up a minute ago listening to a song:
I guess it just helped me to relax and accept that it's ok who I am, that it's gonna be ok. I guess I know that, I just - don't we all - dream of bigger things for myself. And maybe if I wasn't so singular in my existence...maybe if I had a partner, these dreams wouldn't be so demanding because just being ordinary would be fun (cause I could share my ordinary existence with someone who could share theirs with me, too). But that's not in the cards for me right now. I'm not sure it's in the cards for me at all, in fact. I honestly wonder that often. I took a break from wondering that when my hypnotherapist said he got a "feeling" that I won't spend the rest of my life alone...but I also wonder if he said that to make me feel better. Cause if you knew someone was gonna be alone for their life (let's just say you could know this for sure) and they indicated worry about that truth, would you tell them? However, he could've not said anything at all.
Anyway, the idea is that I am human. And being human entails having humility. Thus. I am humiliated. Ha, no, I mean, I am humbled.
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