Just A Quickie

So I don't have much time but just wanted to write a quick post about some things that have been tickling my mind lately. Well, basically, I tend to find myself funny and sometimes I even laugh out loud (I refuse to use the internet/IM/text lingo, LOL) at my own thoughts. Anyway, so I have this workbook on codependence called, Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence. There are three sections or parts to the workbook, the first where you write down all the abuse you can remember that you received from your childhood and the messages it gave you, the second part is basically the 12 steps of CODA (Codependents' Anonymous) and the third is...well, I'm not there yet but it's titled, "Beyond Denial About Recovery." (Each part is called, "Beyond Denial...")

Well, I've been working through the book as diligently as possible but lately I've slowed down a bit. I'm on Step 3 and I keep peaking at Step 4 and I realize that I think part of the problem is that these steps have to do with you looking at your current behaviors (and thoughts) that are unhealthy and trying to either "hand them over to your higher power" or make a "fearless inventory" of them. Well, here's my issue: I'm trying my damn hardest not to do or think unhealthy things! So I'm coming up fairly empty...I'm having a really hard time finding my blunders right now because my recovery is starting to really work and I'm getting healthier! I realize that I'm still unhealthy at times, but they're not the same unhealthy things that the workbook wants me to contemplate and write down so I find myself feeling like I'm stuck, or at least slowed down quite a bit. I cannot just write down past behaviors for Step 3 cause it's supposed to be in real-time - in fact, there are dates! You're supposed to "hand it over to your Higher Power", then reflect on how it felt after you handed it over and then also what happened as a result (such as how the situation changed). I feel like I need to fill out Step 3 before I move on to Step 4, etc., and thus, since I'm at a loss for completing Step 3, I feel stuck, like I'm not gonna be able to move on.

Here's the part that made me laugh: I was thinking,  maybe I should just purposefully do some unhealthy shit so I can write it in my workbook and move on!!! HAHAHA!! Right?! That totally defeats the purpose!

So instead of purposefully being unhealthy so that I can fill out my workbook and move on in my recovery, I've decided that I might need to take a little detour from the workbook and improvise - meaning that I could write down the other ways that I find myself being unhealthy even if they don't quite fit what the workbook is asking.

Well, that's that. Maybe it's not as funny to others but it made me laugh. I love thinking of horribly wrong things then coming back to reality, knowing those things are ridiculous and laughing about them! I'm not truly an asshole - I just like to fantasize about being one sometimes.