I recently read the book, "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer. It is about a young 22-24 year old man that gives away all his possessions (donating $25,000 to charity to end hunger), then travels the western US by hitchhiking and working odd-jobs, then makes a final "ultimate" journey to live in the Alaskan bush for 3-4 months, where he ends up dying from starvation. It's a true story and the book is basically an investigation of how this boy/man, Chris McCandless, comes to this end. It's the type of book where you know the basics of the story from the beginning - that he will die by starvation in the Alaskan bush. However, I still wanted to read it, I suppose because I am a bit of a voyeur when it comes to people making life-altering or, ultimately, -terminating decisions. Also, he died only three months before my sister died in 1992. I can even recall where I was when he was dying - I was in Spain, having the worst trip I ever had because I was having the very first major depressive episode of my life.
There are a lot of synchronicities that I am having with this particular book/story at this particular time in my life. I started reading the book on the plane returning home from Spain - a second trip to Spain 15 years later, but this time with my family and having been in treatment for my depression for 15 years and now stable, non-symptomatic. I was 15 when my sister died, and now it's 15 years later. I have been thinking of this trip as a sort of book-end to that period of my life. However, maybe it's not this trip that will be the book-end. I have also started going to a group called "A Year to Live" which meets once a month for a year to "practice dying," as the facilitator says. In a year, we will meet one last time on the day we "die". The premise of the group is to really try to live this year as if it is the last year of our lives - to try to do what we might do if we found out we would die in a year, which we might, anyway. We could die on any day, at any moment. I started going to this group right before I left for Spain.
Both my sister and Chris McCandless lived fast lives, but seemed to achieve what they'd always wanted in the last year of their life - Chris spent over 100 days "living off the land" in the Alaskan bush and my sister had a baby (and a fiancé and a home of her own.) Chris was 24 (or 25, don't know) when he died and my sister was 19, two months shy of 20. I don't believe either of them wanted or believed they were going to die when they did. At least Chris knew he was dying in the last few days of his life - he even wrote a short goodbye note and took a photo of himself waving goodbye while holding the note. All it said was: "I had a good life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and God bless all." In the photo, despite his extreme gaunt and almost skeletal appearance, he is smiling a bright, what appears to be genuine, smile. He is really at peace and happy, it seems. I find that so intriguing. How did he get there?
I have no answers to the above but it's what I am searching to find - that same peace or contentment with my life. I am haunted by my sister's death and now by Chris' story. I think he's a remarkable person, but I don't necessarily agree with everything he did as told in the book - he cut himself off from his family which really hurt them, making the death that much harder. At least by the time my sister died, I think my family had all come together and we all knew we loved each other. On the other hand, Chris made it clear that he was ok with dying, basically giving a re-assuring note to his death, that he was at peace and had a happy life. I don't know that my sister would've felt the same way - she was just beginning the life she wanted (almost) - having just had a child. All three of them died - my sister, her baby (my nephew), and the father (her fiancé). I'm sure she would not have been content at all three of them dying.
Another part of Chris' story that haunts me is that he was so intense and certain of how he thought things and people should be, and he lived these certainties - he really wanted to live life without the need for possessions or money. I admire that, but I suppose I also find myself feeling the dilemma that I don't want them yet I need them - for instance, I have debt to pay off from school so I can't just quit everything. Or I suppose I could, but then I'd be on the run from creditors and eventually the law, which is also not the way I wish to live. However, I suppose he was still young and hadn't come to have as many responsibilities. I think he would have. He was obviously extremely intelligent, just made a couple of mistakes that cost him his life. And in the end, he was ok with those mistakes - he accepted them - which is a type of responsibility.
I hope that my journey this year will help me get closer to that same type of peace that Chris felt. On the other hand, sometimes I worry that I don't want to be too ok with dying - cause then I might just die at that point.
There are a lot of synchronicities that I am having with this particular book/story at this particular time in my life. I started reading the book on the plane returning home from Spain - a second trip to Spain 15 years later, but this time with my family and having been in treatment for my depression for 15 years and now stable, non-symptomatic. I was 15 when my sister died, and now it's 15 years later. I have been thinking of this trip as a sort of book-end to that period of my life. However, maybe it's not this trip that will be the book-end. I have also started going to a group called "A Year to Live" which meets once a month for a year to "practice dying," as the facilitator says. In a year, we will meet one last time on the day we "die". The premise of the group is to really try to live this year as if it is the last year of our lives - to try to do what we might do if we found out we would die in a year, which we might, anyway. We could die on any day, at any moment. I started going to this group right before I left for Spain.
Both my sister and Chris McCandless lived fast lives, but seemed to achieve what they'd always wanted in the last year of their life - Chris spent over 100 days "living off the land" in the Alaskan bush and my sister had a baby (and a fiancé and a home of her own.) Chris was 24 (or 25, don't know) when he died and my sister was 19, two months shy of 20. I don't believe either of them wanted or believed they were going to die when they did. At least Chris knew he was dying in the last few days of his life - he even wrote a short goodbye note and took a photo of himself waving goodbye while holding the note. All it said was: "I had a good life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and God bless all." In the photo, despite his extreme gaunt and almost skeletal appearance, he is smiling a bright, what appears to be genuine, smile. He is really at peace and happy, it seems. I find that so intriguing. How did he get there?
I have no answers to the above but it's what I am searching to find - that same peace or contentment with my life. I am haunted by my sister's death and now by Chris' story. I think he's a remarkable person, but I don't necessarily agree with everything he did as told in the book - he cut himself off from his family which really hurt them, making the death that much harder. At least by the time my sister died, I think my family had all come together and we all knew we loved each other. On the other hand, Chris made it clear that he was ok with dying, basically giving a re-assuring note to his death, that he was at peace and had a happy life. I don't know that my sister would've felt the same way - she was just beginning the life she wanted (almost) - having just had a child. All three of them died - my sister, her baby (my nephew), and the father (her fiancé). I'm sure she would not have been content at all three of them dying.
Another part of Chris' story that haunts me is that he was so intense and certain of how he thought things and people should be, and he lived these certainties - he really wanted to live life without the need for possessions or money. I admire that, but I suppose I also find myself feeling the dilemma that I don't want them yet I need them - for instance, I have debt to pay off from school so I can't just quit everything. Or I suppose I could, but then I'd be on the run from creditors and eventually the law, which is also not the way I wish to live. However, I suppose he was still young and hadn't come to have as many responsibilities. I think he would have. He was obviously extremely intelligent, just made a couple of mistakes that cost him his life. And in the end, he was ok with those mistakes - he accepted them - which is a type of responsibility.
I hope that my journey this year will help me get closer to that same type of peace that Chris felt. On the other hand, sometimes I worry that I don't want to be too ok with dying - cause then I might just die at that point.
