You might think I'm using his name in vain in this post, but I am not - I am writing a blog post about Jesus Christ, the man that Christianity formed upon to diverge from Judaism. It's not a scholarly, academic post about him, though - it is a personal post about my experience with the persona called Jesus Christ and how I have come to some peace, recently, about it.
I will make clear that I do not identify as Christian, even though I grew up going to Catholic church on Sundays with my family and I did make my First Communion. I stopped making any efforts to be part of the church after that - my parents gave me the option of going through Confirmation or not. I chose not. I'm positive that if I had been given the choice about my First Communion, I would have also chose not to go through with it. I knew that I did not believe in what the clergy was preaching since I could hear and understand what they were saying. It did not help that I found church to be utterly boring and that it disturbed my otherwise joyous weekend. I have always wondered why the church would not make any effort to make it a fun activity if they so wanted us to continue attending and buy what they were saying to us.
The other half of the story as to why I never bought into Catholicism, or any religion for that matter, was because of my parents - they are both very intelligent people who highly value education. They always taught me to think for myself and to be logical - scientific, even (my father is a physicist and my mother is a psychologist.) So most of the time, the information I received made some sort of logical sense and would be easily verified by my own experience, but then on Sundays we'd go to church and listen to the most outrageous stories that defied all logic and verifiable reality. To be honest, it made less sense to me than Santa Claus, although my belief in him soon fell apart when I realized there was no time for Santa to get to everyone's home in one night, and it was especially difficult for me to see how he could fit down our tiny chimney. However, the fruits of his labor were verified by finding gifts under my tree from him every Christmas, so at least he had that going for him!
Obviously, there's a lot one can say and people have said about Jesus Christ - so much, in fact, that he's hardly a human being. But, that's the thing - the claim is that he was a human being, put on this Earth for a reason - to "save" all humankind. Whether or not that latter part was true, no one argues that he wasn't a human being, although there is absolutely no physical evidence of his existence. There are only effects, which really do not even necessitate real evidence - its these effects that have become the evidence, in and of themselves, because they are so profound. Think about it - whether or no Jesus Christ was a real human being or if he was actually just a pretend puppet that someone made up, does not matter because the effects that are what is real - people believed he was real and told stories about him from generation to generation for what is considered about a thousand years until it was finally written down in the first version of the New Testament of The Bible. In any case, whether or not you or I or anyone believes any of it - Jesus Christ is the most influential person or idea of a person to ever exist - at least thus far. We even measure time by him - we say the year is 2012, but that's only in reference to Jesus Christ's estimated year of birth. To talk about the actual year in time that we exist, well, first we'd need to have that kind of resolution to our understanding of the beginning of time (when the Big Bang occurred), then we'd at least be saying 6 additional digits ahead of it since we know the universe is at least 15,000,000,000 years old. Maybe we'd only be talking since the beginning of Earth, then we'd only have 5 additional digits, since that's about 5,000,000,000 years old. So, as it turns out, Jesus Christ is a time-saver in that he's a great reference for us to use for telling what year it is. Otherwise....well...let's discuss (and by discuss, I mean, I'll just go on monologuing..)
I know there are people like me who wonder who this Jesus Christ really was (obviously, Christ wasn't his last name, so let's just say, Jesus, son of Mary - "Maryson"? haha, I won't do that.) I mean, if he was human, then, by definition, he was just as imperfect as all human being are. Thus, did Jesus get angry at people? Did Jesus cry? Did Jesus do some shitty things when he was younger? Did he hurt others, occasionally on purpose because he was hurt? Did Jesus wonder who his real father was if Joseph wasn't his real father? Did Jesus get angry at Joseph when Joseph tried to parent him? Did Jesus have a co-dependent relationship with his mother, Mary, because she was effectively a single parent? Or was that all bullshit and his father was actually Joseph so none of these 'who-is-my-real-father' questions mattered? So many questions, right? He must have been imperfect, otherwise how could we identify with him? Again, of course no one can ever answer these questions since there's no absolute record of him, of his life. Even the bible jumps from him in the manger to him preaching on the hill in Jerusalem in his early 30s, if not just his last year of life at 33.
Despite the fact that I, personally, have not had a spiritual relationship with Jesus, I have been close to others that have, such as my best friend when I was a teenager (13-15). She was a Lutheran Christian and very much believed in Jesus as her savior. She said that she felt his presence in her life or felt him somehow. She said she hoped that someday I might know him, feel him, too. Because I wanted to please her so badly, I tried to "find" him - I tried to "let him in" or whatever. I had no idea what I was trying to do, but I was hoping I'd know when it happened. Well, nothing happened. But I tried to convince myself it did - that somehow I was "touched" or that I had "found" him. I even told her so. But soon, my conscience gave me away and I couldn't hold onto that lie any longer. I had not "found" Jesus, I had not been "touched" by him. I was sad that I could not join my friend in her world of faith. At the same time, I was also indifferent because I didn't really think it was a real world - I thought it was make believe.
And so I moved on. That friendship faded for many reasons, partly because I was going through an unbelievably difficult time trying to deal with the grief of my sister's and nephew's deaths and partly because I was discovering that I was a lesbian, which really didn't fit with my friend's belief system at all. Too bad she was the first girl I ever fell for. Too bad she was the first girl I ever told that I wanted to kiss. Too bad for me. But, luckily, I moved on. Luckily, I met another girl that did want to kiss me back. And luckily, that allowed me to feel ok with the fact that I am a lesbian. Luckily, by now, I don't need anyone else to help me feel ok with that or any other fact about my identity. But, at age 16 and 17, apparently for me, I did.
The other connection I've had to Jesus has been through the music of my classically favorite band, U2. (I say, "classically favorite" because I have a new favorite band, The Naked and Famous, and I don't really care for the current music being made by U2. It's their classic albums, most notably, The Joshua Tree, that really is my soul. Otherwise, they've become just another pop band that could fade into the noise for all I care. They've lost their edge. Of course, not The Edge, their lead guitarist. He's still around! ha!) In any case, Bono, the lead singer and lyricist of U2, is a fairly devout Christian, as I can tell by his lyrics. I think he's probably one of the best kinds of Christians in that he really practices what he preaches and, next to his role as a rock star, is known world wide as a humanitarian activist. His lyrics, matched with The Edge's guitar riffs and melodies, are why I feel that their music is my soul.
Here's a snipit from one of my favorite songs by U2:
Obviously, there's a lot one can say and people have said about Jesus Christ - so much, in fact, that he's hardly a human being. But, that's the thing - the claim is that he was a human being, put on this Earth for a reason - to "save" all humankind. Whether or not that latter part was true, no one argues that he wasn't a human being, although there is absolutely no physical evidence of his existence. There are only effects, which really do not even necessitate real evidence - its these effects that have become the evidence, in and of themselves, because they are so profound. Think about it - whether or no Jesus Christ was a real human being or if he was actually just a pretend puppet that someone made up, does not matter because the effects that are what is real - people believed he was real and told stories about him from generation to generation for what is considered about a thousand years until it was finally written down in the first version of the New Testament of The Bible. In any case, whether or not you or I or anyone believes any of it - Jesus Christ is the most influential person or idea of a person to ever exist - at least thus far. We even measure time by him - we say the year is 2012, but that's only in reference to Jesus Christ's estimated year of birth. To talk about the actual year in time that we exist, well, first we'd need to have that kind of resolution to our understanding of the beginning of time (when the Big Bang occurred), then we'd at least be saying 6 additional digits ahead of it since we know the universe is at least 15,000,000,000 years old. Maybe we'd only be talking since the beginning of Earth, then we'd only have 5 additional digits, since that's about 5,000,000,000 years old. So, as it turns out, Jesus Christ is a time-saver in that he's a great reference for us to use for telling what year it is. Otherwise....well...let's discuss (and by discuss, I mean, I'll just go on monologuing..)
I know there are people like me who wonder who this Jesus Christ really was (obviously, Christ wasn't his last name, so let's just say, Jesus, son of Mary - "Maryson"? haha, I won't do that.) I mean, if he was human, then, by definition, he was just as imperfect as all human being are. Thus, did Jesus get angry at people? Did Jesus cry? Did Jesus do some shitty things when he was younger? Did he hurt others, occasionally on purpose because he was hurt? Did Jesus wonder who his real father was if Joseph wasn't his real father? Did Jesus get angry at Joseph when Joseph tried to parent him? Did Jesus have a co-dependent relationship with his mother, Mary, because she was effectively a single parent? Or was that all bullshit and his father was actually Joseph so none of these 'who-is-my-real-father' questions mattered? So many questions, right? He must have been imperfect, otherwise how could we identify with him? Again, of course no one can ever answer these questions since there's no absolute record of him, of his life. Even the bible jumps from him in the manger to him preaching on the hill in Jerusalem in his early 30s, if not just his last year of life at 33.
Despite the fact that I, personally, have not had a spiritual relationship with Jesus, I have been close to others that have, such as my best friend when I was a teenager (13-15). She was a Lutheran Christian and very much believed in Jesus as her savior. She said that she felt his presence in her life or felt him somehow. She said she hoped that someday I might know him, feel him, too. Because I wanted to please her so badly, I tried to "find" him - I tried to "let him in" or whatever. I had no idea what I was trying to do, but I was hoping I'd know when it happened. Well, nothing happened. But I tried to convince myself it did - that somehow I was "touched" or that I had "found" him. I even told her so. But soon, my conscience gave me away and I couldn't hold onto that lie any longer. I had not "found" Jesus, I had not been "touched" by him. I was sad that I could not join my friend in her world of faith. At the same time, I was also indifferent because I didn't really think it was a real world - I thought it was make believe.
And so I moved on. That friendship faded for many reasons, partly because I was going through an unbelievably difficult time trying to deal with the grief of my sister's and nephew's deaths and partly because I was discovering that I was a lesbian, which really didn't fit with my friend's belief system at all. Too bad she was the first girl I ever fell for. Too bad she was the first girl I ever told that I wanted to kiss. Too bad for me. But, luckily, I moved on. Luckily, I met another girl that did want to kiss me back. And luckily, that allowed me to feel ok with the fact that I am a lesbian. Luckily, by now, I don't need anyone else to help me feel ok with that or any other fact about my identity. But, at age 16 and 17, apparently for me, I did.
The other connection I've had to Jesus has been through the music of my classically favorite band, U2. (I say, "classically favorite" because I have a new favorite band, The Naked and Famous, and I don't really care for the current music being made by U2. It's their classic albums, most notably, The Joshua Tree, that really is my soul. Otherwise, they've become just another pop band that could fade into the noise for all I care. They've lost their edge. Of course, not The Edge, their lead guitarist. He's still around! ha!) In any case, Bono, the lead singer and lyricist of U2, is a fairly devout Christian, as I can tell by his lyrics. I think he's probably one of the best kinds of Christians in that he really practices what he preaches and, next to his role as a rock star, is known world wide as a humanitarian activist. His lyrics, matched with The Edge's guitar riffs and melodies, are why I feel that their music is my soul.
Here's a snipit from one of my favorite songs by U2:
I believe in Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes, I'm still running
You broke the bones
And then loosed the chains
Carried the cross, all my shame
All my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
This is a powerful song. Actually, it's clearly written in a gospel style, and was recorded live in such manner on their Rattle and Hum album. In any case, this song has always touched me deeply, and I've always known it was, at least partly, written about Jesus. Clearly, in the above lyrics, that fact is obvious. It's like I'm on the verge of believing something when I listen to this song, but then, if I think about it, I still have never had a strong connection with an actual being named Jesus.
But something happened recently while I was listening to this song - to these specific lyrics. I really, really, felt that relief that it conveys with, "Carried the cross, all my shame/ ALL MY SHAME". That's when I realized what this is about: Jesus, let's just keep him as an idea, let's us STOP feeling ashamed of all the shit that we are and do as human beings. In these lines, it is sung that he is taking away our shame when he carries that cross. It's like he is saying, "If I do this for you, you must give up the shame. When you give up the shame, you can continue to grow. And grow up." It's such a relief. It's such a loving gesture. It brings tears to my eyes. Does this mean I've finally been "touched" by Jesus? Or "found" him? I don't know. I don't think so - I still don't know him. I know my sister, though. She died and I feel her in my heart. So, I can understand how someone might feel him. But I don't feel him. I feel these lyrics. And I think I understand what they mean, finally.
There's one last bit I want to write about Jesus here. This bit will come across strangely at first, so bear with me. Recently, one of my spiritual mentors told me something, via "transmission meditation", that was a bit of a shock, to say the least. I'm not sure if it was meant literally, or specifically to me, but she told me, via this transmission, that I am "the second coming". She said that she hadn't really believed in Jesus Christ before, that she had thought he was just a fairy tale, similar to my own feelings about him. In any case, the transmission was so fast that I hardly could ask what was meant by that - if it was meant for me, specifically, or for everyone, that each of us is "the second coming". Also, I assume this refers to "the second coming of Christ". Obviously, it could all be bullshit. But let's put that aside. Suspend judgment, if you will. What happened to me next was what I really want to talk about: I wondered, what if I really am the reincarnation of Jesus Christ?
Well, first of all, that thought fits perfectly into my own megalomania. Sure, I'm Jesus f-ing Christ. That's great, that means I'm the most influential human being in the history of the world (Earth). Let's not talk about the unlikelihood of this fact. But then, of course, the next thing I thought was, 'no way! I can't be Jesus, I'm not that great. I'm not all-loving - I mean, I wish I were, I'm trying to be - but I have all sorts of mean thoughts and difficulties with all sorts of human emotions, some which are dark, for sure. Not only have I had these dark thoughts, but on occasion, I have even said them and on even rarer occasions, I've even done some hurtful things. I am sorry for it, but clearly that means I'm not the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. I am not the second coming.' But then I came back to those thoughts I had previously about Jesus - that if he were human, he would therefore be imperfect by definition (humans are imperfect - life is imperfect). Thus, Jesus would have had difficulties, too, and maybe he had dark thoughts, too. So then I bounced the idea back, well...maybe I could be "the second coming of Christ". I mean, if I believed in that stuff.
So then I think to myself, damn, if I'm the second coming, that means I need to work harder to be all-loving. (And this is what I'm trying to convey - this responsibility I suddenly felt.) Suddenly, I felt a weight of responsibility, and yet also a new purpose, a deep purpose to not only be all-loving, myself, but help everyone I could possibly help to also be all-loving. To do that, we must all surrender our shame. So I sat with these thoughts and feelings for a bit, bouncing back and forth with the idea of what if I am the second coming, or what if we each are? Then I realized it doesn't matter. What matters is that second part, when we take on that responsibility - when each and every one of us takes on the individual responsibility, as if each and every one of us truly feels like we may be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. (Minus the ego-feeding and megalomania that it supports...after you get past that part, but that part is the attraction, of course.)
This is what I leave you with, then. What if I told you that you are the second coming of Christ? Think about what ways in which you could be - not the ways in which you couldn't, go ahead and forgive yourself those ways - and then hold onto that thought. Now consider what your next moves would be.
Well, first of all, that thought fits perfectly into my own megalomania. Sure, I'm Jesus f-ing Christ. That's great, that means I'm the most influential human being in the history of the world (Earth). Let's not talk about the unlikelihood of this fact. But then, of course, the next thing I thought was, 'no way! I can't be Jesus, I'm not that great. I'm not all-loving - I mean, I wish I were, I'm trying to be - but I have all sorts of mean thoughts and difficulties with all sorts of human emotions, some which are dark, for sure. Not only have I had these dark thoughts, but on occasion, I have even said them and on even rarer occasions, I've even done some hurtful things. I am sorry for it, but clearly that means I'm not the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. I am not the second coming.' But then I came back to those thoughts I had previously about Jesus - that if he were human, he would therefore be imperfect by definition (humans are imperfect - life is imperfect). Thus, Jesus would have had difficulties, too, and maybe he had dark thoughts, too. So then I bounced the idea back, well...maybe I could be "the second coming of Christ". I mean, if I believed in that stuff.
So then I think to myself, damn, if I'm the second coming, that means I need to work harder to be all-loving. (And this is what I'm trying to convey - this responsibility I suddenly felt.) Suddenly, I felt a weight of responsibility, and yet also a new purpose, a deep purpose to not only be all-loving, myself, but help everyone I could possibly help to also be all-loving. To do that, we must all surrender our shame. So I sat with these thoughts and feelings for a bit, bouncing back and forth with the idea of what if I am the second coming, or what if we each are? Then I realized it doesn't matter. What matters is that second part, when we take on that responsibility - when each and every one of us takes on the individual responsibility, as if each and every one of us truly feels like we may be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. (Minus the ego-feeding and megalomania that it supports...after you get past that part, but that part is the attraction, of course.)
This is what I leave you with, then. What if I told you that you are the second coming of Christ? Think about what ways in which you could be - not the ways in which you couldn't, go ahead and forgive yourself those ways - and then hold onto that thought. Now consider what your next moves would be.
