Silence

I ask of my mind
Please
Give me silence

I ask of my heart
Please
Mend yourself forever

I ask of my soul
Please
Wield my body to your will
Stop bending to its

I ask of the universe
Please
Make clear why and what it is that I am here for

I will do it
Then I ask
That you take me home.

Surrender

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer

Let it be.

I don't like to cry in public. I cry like a mother fucking waterfall, but I try my best to stifle it in public. Because I'm embarrassed - I feel like a baby when I cry: vulnerable, raw, naked. And, I suppose, I feel like I must be immature if I'm being a baby...which, of course, just makes me feel worse and makes me want to cry even more.

So it was no surprise that last night at my third SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) meeting, as we read the first step of the 12 steps, written specifically for SLAA, realizing that every word in the step was almost a perfect description of me, I started to tear up - and fast. The tears started welling, then running - even while I was reading. So I did what I always do - I got up and hid in the bathroom for a minute to get some crying out then to wash my face. The strange thing is - these meetings are probably the one ideal and safe place to cry in front of others! I guess I'm just not quite comfortable with it, yet.

Mainly, I realized how "classic" my symptoms/behaviors are to love addiction. I guess I knew this back in May of last year when I first started to accept that I'm a love addict, but I hadn't gone to a SLAA meeting because of the "Sex" part - not feeling particularly aligned with "sex addiction" - but I do have sexual issues, so I suppose it's making more sense to me now. Anyway, it's apparent to me that these meetings may be even more pertinent to my problems than CoDA. However, I probably will continue to go to CoDA again when my rugby season is over and I can make it to the meetings.

A few minutes ago, I was trying to come up with ways to redirect my obsessive thoughts (like when I find myself obsessing over someone else or other people's relationships) and I really couldn't think of anything to think about that I have any confidence would keep me from slipping back into obsessing about others again. But then I remembered one suggestion by the group/meeting - recite the Serenity Prayer:

God/Higher Power/Jedi Master,

Grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage

To change the things I can,

And the wisdom

To know the difference

Then I realized what that does - what it really is meant to do is just to allow myself to surrender. Surrender to the fact that I am powerless to control this by myself and that I need divine intervention (this is the power of the 12 steps and why faith is so integral to their success.)

So I took it one step further because I know I cannot just recite something because soon it becomes rote and has no meaning left to it, thus not really giving me any alternative. I decided that in surrendering, I can imagine my dead friend, Abby, hugging me (literally, her spirit hugging me in that moment - I can call her to me in that moment), whispering gently to me how she loves me and it will be ok, I will get through this, she is with me always.

Right now, I just remembered something that I think can be of use to me - the last painting I ever saw of Abby's, although I only saw it as a colored photocopy on her memorial service leaflet. It's relatively abstract, although there are two "objects", one larger, looks like it's holding the other, smaller "object". I don't know if it's called something about a mother and child, but it definitely conveys that essence. I will scan it and post it on here with this post later. Anyway, I can imagine that as her holding me in my hour of darkness. Whisper words of wisdom - let it be.

Abigail Bates Rinhart

November 5, 1976 - March 21, 1996

Back on the Wagon

After a month of unraveling, I'm getting back on my recovery wagon. In fact, I went to my first SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) meeting last night. I was late because I got confused about the timing/location, but I still made it for at least 1/2 of the meeting - I walked in during the sharing part. I love the bay area - we have everything for supporting personal growth, recovery and general health improvement. There are multiple meetings every day. I am well-supported here.

The first thing that I noticed at the meeting was that there were a few more men than women - I kind of expected that since the title has "Sex" in it, which actually is one of the reasons I hadn't gone to one of these meetings yet. But I'm so scared that I may never be able to have a healthy relationship - that I may never be able to love without destroying that which I love - that I just feel like I need to do everything possible to work through this problem. It's a very serious problem and it is what sets me apart from almost everyone else that I know who is able to have sustainable relationships that don't destroy themselves or their partners. It's the most shaming part of me (and yes, I am trying to get rid of that shame, but I feel like I need to continue to "own" it - own my actions/behaviors. So if I don't sit here and realize that I did this - I was accusational, I was mean to the one I have the strongest feelings for because of my own feelings of unworthiness - then I won't be able to stop these behaviors in the future. And I have to stop these behaviors or, honestly, I might as well kill myself. But I don't want  to do that, either - even when I feel like it might be the best way out (certainly an easier way in the moment.)) The truth is that I just want to be happy and healthy. For me, those things take a lot of work.

The next thing I noticed is that I knew someone there - not a close acquaintance, but someone I had met through an ex. So that was a little awkward. I'm positive that he recognized me and I don't know if it was about me, but he started laughing a little (smiling/laughing to himself). It's ok if it was about me - I imagine my ex had bitched about me and I know she thought I should be in some 12-step program (I had even tried Al-anon for her, but it didn't fit for me at the time.) I wouldn't mind if he told her that he saw me there, either, but I know that he probably won't since it's "anonymous." I bet he'll respect that. People tend to respect that, at least to a degree. Personally, I'm at the point where I want to share these things about myself because I see it as important to help others see that there's nothing here to be ashamed of (even though I just said that I'm also feeling that shame - I just know that it's irrational and not helpful to me to feel ashamed of it.) I guess I'm ashamed of the behaviors. But even that needs to be worked through.

Then I noticed that everyone in that room had the same problems with relationships as I do. That felt like comradery - in the sense that we all know what this has cost us. This has cost us all too much. It has cost each of us a truly intimate relationship with another person. My loneliness is real. The irrational, sabotaging belief that is at the core is that I feel like I'm too fucked up to be loved. By her or anyone, really. Such as me. I'm too fucked up for me to love me, either. That's the problem. That's the belief. If I've held this belief since childhood, which was what? 20-30+ years ago? Is it going to take 20-30+ years for me to change it? I don't know how to change it - I know that I love a lot of parts of me, but this belief is so deep. Maybe it's my newfound spirituality that will help me find that self-love that I need. It still seems like it's going to be a long, long time. But I suppose I have to stop obsessing about that, too.

I also called my ex-therapist. Yes, we had some issues, but they are minor to me in comparison to all that she helped me to recognize. I forgave her. Now I need her help again. At least I can hold both parts of her - that she gave me so much and she also dissappointed me. But she's human. And just because we had some disagreements doesn't take away from all that she gave me - which turned out to be quite a lot. So yeah, I'm getting back on my recovery wagon.

I hope I can look back on this and see this as a major turning point in my recovery.