First Step

I went to my first CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting last night. After writing that I'll try anything to work through/"recover" from love addiction/codependence, I realized I could try another 12-step meeting. (Last year I had tried Al-Anon a few times because my ex wanted me to and I thought it might be helpful but it wasn't the right fit. I also think I wasn't ready to "believe" in the 12-step program for me.) I've also been searching to talk to someone who is significantly further along their recovery. So it makes sense.

"Hi, my name is J and I'm a codependent."

It was strange to say that out-loud for the first time. Just owning it feels kinda strange. I don't want to be a codependent. I don't want to be a love addict. But I am those things. I have a lot of confusion about where the differences are between the two conditions - but I guess the theory is that all addictions are rooted in codependence. So all addicts are codependents. But not all codependents are addicts, I guess? Yeah, I guess that's possible, then. If you're just mildly codependent, maybe. I think I'm not mildly codependent, but I'm also not extremely codependent. I have worked on things before and although I lost a lot of that over the past few years, I still feel like it's easier for me to pick it up again - the work, the effort. There's just been the added shame of feeling as if I "dropped the ball" on it before, but more like I just didn't realize how easily I would forget how to keep it up - or that I would always have to work on it consciously. But...even the shame is something I am working on diminishing.

Anyway, I guess I'll go back next week. I even got a "chip"! I might even try another night which is supposed to be really big...we'll see. I don't want to proselytize the 12-steps, the way I think some people do - I guess that's actually the 12th step! I don't like that. It doesn't help, anyway, cause people don't go until they really want to go. It is good to get the word out that it exists and that it can help and has a high success rate - well, AA does - I don't know about the others. I guess I'm just trying anything like I said I would. I'm really tired of not being able to have a healthy relationship. I'm tired of giving off this vibe of desperation!

It's My Party

I had the first party I've had in years last night - a housewarming party for my new apartment in the North Oakland/Temescal neighborhood of the East Bay Area of California. I had all these grand ideas of what I wanted to do for it - have a kiddie pool, a grill, the best music mix ever for dancing, etc!  Oh, not to mention that I wanted to be completely moved in - not just unpacked and boxes put away, but decorated and clean. I thought I would get things done since I gave myself about 3 weeks prep time. However, I kept getting busy with work and other activities, not to mention my intense mood swings/ups and downs due to my recovery work. So Friday came along - the first day of my "staycation" (vacation where I stay home, don't go anywhere), I hadn't slept well the night before and I woke up in an anxiety-induced panic. I was not only stressed and anxious about all the stuff that needed to be done for the party (cause I basically hadn't accomplished any of my goals), but I was anxious to see the girl I have been trying to "get over"...detach from...stop being addicted to/obsessive about. I wrote in my journal a little and thought I came to the decision that I wouldn't do anything - I wouldn't try to talk to her about my anxiety, etc. Then, I came to my computer, checked my email and Facebook and saw her online. So with my heart racing and my body practically shaking, I asked if we could chat. I basically told her I was anxious to see her, she told me then it's probably better for her not to come to my party, and then it went downhill because I think that triggered my abandonment issues which were already being triggered by her dating someone else... Anyway, the bottom line was that I think I did want to ask her not to come to my party afterall because I knew the anxiety was really about seeing her, trying to impress her, etc. etc. I knew how I would feel at the party - my feelings would be all wrapped up in her and her reactions, etc. and I would not be able to really enjoy the party and my other friends who I really wanted to enjoy. The point is that I achieved my goal but how I achieved it was unhealthy - not the way I wanted the conversation to go and it went that way because of me.

Immediately after the chat conversation where we decided we couldn't be friends anymore (which we weren't really being anyway because it was all one-sided), I fell fast into self-defeating thoughts, feelings and behaviors and canceled the party. Then, I called my therapist crying my eyes out. She called me back and suggested I still have the party (I asked cause I felt worse after canceling it). So then I "reinstated" the party - both actions just involved emails to the list of party invitees.

Then Friday night, I started reading this book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay. My old landlord had given it to me - actually, I say she's my old landlord, but that whole family really became my friends. She gave the book to me years ago and I tossed it with a bunch of other books she gave me that felt too "new-agey" for me. Interestingly, though, I kept some of the books, including this one, even though I did donate a bunch of books before my move. Anyway, the book was mentioned in another book that she "lent" me (I need to get that back to her and buy my own copy), The Holographic Universe by Michael Talbot, which is an amazing book! I highly recommend it. In any case, I realized that I had the book that he mentioned and immediately got it from my bookshelf.

Had I tried to read the book years ago when it was given to me, it wouldn't have had the same effect as it is having on me now. I wouldn't have accepted it as anything other than new age mumbo-jumbo bullshit. I've been resistant to the idea that we can control what happens to us - good or bad - just by our thoughts because that would mean when something unpleasant happens, it's not just stochastic chance and bad luck or whatever but actually it's because you didn't want it to go well or that you  actually wanted it to be unpleasant. As if to say, my friend died of complications from cancer treatment because she just didn't want to live hard enough. Something fucked up like that. However, reading this book from this other perspective...from the perspective of what I'm beginning to believe about the universe and our consciousness, I feel like there's something more to this than just the black and white of either determinism or total stochastic chance. In any case, the book is having more meaning to me now. So I started some of the "exercises" - mostly affirmations so far.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, "I am worthy of love." After repeating that a few times and maybe even starting to feel it, I said, "it will be a good party because I will have a good time." (Ok, I don't remember the exact words, but that was the sentiment.) And yeah, whenever I do these "affirmations" I feel like Stuart Smalley that Al Franken used to play on Saturday Night Live. So it kinda makes me feel silly and just thinking about Stuart Smalley makes me laugh! But...at this point in my disease and recovery, I'll try anything! I'm so tired of having these problems, you know? I'm so tired of sabotaging relationships, of experiencing my reality in extreme intensities, of not being able to love myself and take care of myself well enough... if there were a magic pill, I'd take it. But there isn't and there won't ever be. There's only one way out and that's through it. So I'll try whatever I need to try even if it may appear stupid and silly to the outside world. I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing it for me.

Well, I hope it's needless to say but the party was a whole ton of fun! At most, maybe there were 4-8 people there at any point in time. I bought enough drinks and people brought over enough food for 20 people - easily! I bought the blow-up kiddie pool but didn't blow it up for time reasons but also because it was actually relatively cool. I bought two small charcoal grills that also remained in their boxes because we already had enough food and not enough grillable items. I bought a bunch of  outdoor string party lights but hadn't put them up in time, although did end up putting some up during the party. I also got a firepit and firewood, which we did use! That was pretty awesome! I didn't make my amazing music mix, but I did throw together a bunch of songs that I love and called the playlist "My Party". I set up my pre-amp with monitors, a mixer and audio interface to my computer and played the music. My friends, most of who didn't even know each other, got along great, were sweet, talkative, funny and fun! I even got to do some dancing with a new friend with whom I'm going to be writing some music. Anyway...

Anyway, the party was a blast and I think, maybe, those affirmations worked. At least to some extent. I'm going to continue with them and each day it will get easier. But sometimes it will feel like I've taken a step back (such as with that chat on Friday) - this is ok, apparently, according to Louise L. Hay, because "it is a sign that the situation is beginning to move" and she says "we need to keep going." 

Deal.

Please Forgive Me

This post is dedicated to all of my mistakes. Yes, all of them - the ones that I have made, the ones that I may be making right now and the ones that I will make in the future.

Despite what I know to be true to human nature, I am a perfectionist. Well, in particular ways - not in the way it is often used to describe people who are meticulous. I can be meticulous, but I'm not always that way - I mean in the way that describes someone who strives to do something the perfect or ideal way. I strive to be the ideal being that I want to be. But let's look at the word, "strive", for a moment. It means "to devote serious effort or energy" or even to "struggle in opposition". Hmmm... That's fascinating, actually. I just looked up the definition but now I see why I'm not really a perfectionist - I don't expect to meet the goal, I'm just trying to go towards it - like a point in a curve and the tangent line to that point! Each point in a curve has a direction it's going in, in a straight line, with a slope and y-intercept, but it never actually goes there! I always found that part about math to be amazing (limits)! I guess it must have to do with each consecutive point on either side. Anyway...I diverge. Not only do I not expect to meet the goal of perfection, I struggle constantly in imperfection (its opposition)! That's the perfect word to describe it!!

Part of my "recovery" is to accept my and others' imperfections. Every human is imperfect. This actually is the basis for the faith part of the recovery process - because we are imperfect by nature, we put our faith in a "higher power" to help us. So I guess I'm putting Jodi & Abby as representatives of a higher power, right? But since they're dead, it's ok? I hope so. My therapist always talks about how I'm putting this person or that person as my "higher power" which is part of my disease and why I can't see them as imperfect human beings but once they show imperfection, I'm devastated - which is an obvious problem! But these people are all alive - what if I put my sister and my friend as my "higher powers"? I think it's ok...I'm going to talk to my therapist about that, though. I guess I still don't trust my own judgment about these things. In any case, the point is that I need to realize: 1) that it's ok to be imperfect, or to really accept my imperfections as part of human nature and as long as you "strive" for better, it's ok and 2) to see other people's imperfections...and to accept those too, not to put them above or below me but equal.

Part of dedicating this to my imperfections is to acknowledge some. One of them is my previous post when I was angry - "Pandora and Me". I want to acknowledge that I was blowing myself up in defense due to feeling rejected and angry. I jumped to a bunch of conclusions because of my lack of self-esteem, the lack of my own ability to feel of worth. Then I tried to make myself feel better by feeling "better-than" someone else. I find that embarrassing - because I know better! But ok, I'm judging myself there...the thing is that I have to "take the shame out" of this imperfection. That's hard to do because I feel ashamed and that feeling is deep.

Well, the rest is even too personal to put on my blog (although maybe I push the limits already on the level of the personal on a blog). The roots to that deep feeling of shame is related to childhood abuse, I just remembered. I don't want to publicly describe the details of any childhood abuse, but essentially the message I got as a child was that being imperfect would hurt me. I also don't want to put blame on the "abuser" because I assume it was merely the heritage of abuse. The point is that this is where it comes from - my shame regarding imperfection. It's not my shame, though.

[Jaycee Dugard said "it's his shame, not mine" about her abuser. What an amazing woman/human/soul.]

The point, for me, is just to move on with healing which means growing up. The point is that I want to own what I did/said/wrote and also forgive myself that I did/said/wrote stuff that I don't really like or even feel anymore.

Lastly, I want to forgive others who have hurt me or been imperfect, themselves, especially those that disappointed me because of it. I am sorry for putting you above me - making you my "higher power". You are only human, just like me. And we are "perfectly imperfect".

Faith

I was hesitant to title my post, Faith. It's such a loaded word and yet it's quite innocent - it's really personal, I think. It's personal whether or not you have it and when you have it, it's personal about what it is in. Religions seem to take that part of the personal out of faith - the part about what it is faith in. I think they are inextricably linked - to have it, you have to figure out what you have it in - I don't really see how you could have it before you knew what you had it in. I suppose that's why I haven't had it...until recently. Maybe that's where the concepts of finding and losing your faith come from. I guess, then, I could say that I recently found something to have faith in.

The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary has a definition of faith that I suppose I'd agree with: "firm belief in something for which there is no proof." By that definition, it feels contradictory to the purpose of a scientist - which is to not believe in something that has no proof. Well, I suppose that's not even true! In science, the concept of "proof" is mathematical. Scientists, when pressed, will never say that they've "proved" anything - they will say that they have dis-proven all the other thus far conceived hypotheses/explanations. Well, that's what I'd say as a scientist. [An aside - I just wondered if mathematicians were scientists - and I realized that the very reason some philosophers do not consider mathematics a science is because it cannot be falsified (or disproven).] In any case, that might be why there's room for a scientist to have faith: if you have disproven something, it can no longer be true, but just because you haven't "proven" it doesn't mean it couldn't be true. Therefore, something that has not been disproven is open for the possibility of being true. (I think I just made a logical reason for having faith!) Sweet. [Another aside - there's also a book on the "...Biological Basis of Faith..." - interesting, though, that the full title is: Depression and the Body: The Biological Basis of Faith and Reality. I think I may just have to buy that book...]

Anyway, that actually makes me feel a lot more comfortable with what I'm feeling lately - a strong faith in an explanation of both the physical universe that follows the laws of nature as discovered by science and math - particularly math - and which also explains more phenomena of our universe/existence than anything that has ever been explained previously by science or religion.  It would be the biggest paradigm shift to explain our reality since Einstein's two theories of relativity which completely blew the lid off our understanding of space and time ("spacetime"). Well, I'm still coming into the formation of what this new theory is, but I know it's there - that's the thing, the explanation is not firm in my head but with all the information/data that I know is out there in science and human experience and religion, I think we can come to a much more complete explanation/theory for some experiences that people have had for millennia! And also...maybe we could get rid of some of the shit that's been really fucking up our world for the past 2+ millennia. Well..I know that's not going to happen! Not everybody's into logical reasoning!

Oh...the other part of my personal faith is even more personal than what I was implying above about incorporating all of these different pieces of information and knowledge...this part is about those souls that I know who have died - particularly my sister,  Jodi,  and my good friend, Abby. Their deaths were untimely and I was close to them, but not the closest. I've mentioned them in several previous posts. My faith in anything non-material or that which has not been "proven" by not being dis-proven, has almost everything to do with these people that I knew and loved that died. Essentially, prior to their deaths I had no concept of what could happen at and after death - I basically believed in what I call the "null hypothesis".

The null hypothesis is the "default" hypothesis which, in science, usually refers to a question of whether or not there's a significant difference between two things - the null hypothesis being that there is not a significant difference. But again, as pointed out in the Wikipedia-linked article, that doesn't mean that there is definitely no difference - just that there isn't enough evidence to provide a significant difference. For me, in reference to death and after death, the "null hypothesis" is that all of our cells, molecules, atoms and energy that comprise us break-down and are recycled into the earth, the atmosphere and space, then other living creatures eat them and use them to build more atoms, molecules, cells, etc. And what happens to our "souls" or consciousness? Well, this is the sad part of the "null hypothesis" - it would be that we do not have "souls" and our consciousness is what forms from the make-up of our neural networks in our central nervous systems (brain & spinal cord) and once those are done and gone, so is our consciousness and thus it is also recycled into the earth, atmosphere and space. I believe this "null hypothesis" is probably what Richard Dawkins subscribes to in his book, The God Delusion. This is merely a projection because I have not read his book. From reading the Wikipedia page about it (linked), I think the book may be more of a rebuttal to religious dogma than to a real investigation into what may actually explain what we could call our "souls" and what happens to them when we die. I'm not personally interested in trying to argue with particularly dogmatic people, especially in either religion or scientific atheism. I don't think there is a point in trying to have a debate about two different things that hold the concept of "facts" and "evidence" on two very different value systems. Religion has nothing to do with "evidence" - that's the point of "faith" that I wrote about above. Science, however, is based entirely on evidence and being able to test hypotheses. So we're talking apples and oranges and yet they both attempt to explain many of the same things. Maybe it's time to stop fighting and just start accepting which is better at which - for instance, science is better at explaining everything we see, hear, touch, smell, and can predict in this material existence. Religion, spirituality and some human experiences are better at describing potential explanations for everything that cannot be explained by science. There - can't we all just get along if we accept those premises??

Ah..yeah, the other part is that we're imperfect human beings and the answer to that is no, we cannot all get along because we are all at different places in our development of acceptance, knowledge, understanding, compassion, etc. Then again, the fighting/killing is no good - it's still worth trying to get along! This reminds me of one of my favorite songs by XTC - "Dear God".

Anyway, I'm not going to attempt to explain this revelation I had and what it has led me to really "believe" about life/death/the universe(s)/consciousness/souls/etc....at least not in this post. I want to share the outline/skeleton of my profound discovery, but it will take up at least an entire post just for that. However, the point or thesis of this post is that I have found something to have faith in that is affecting me quite a bit these days - I think it's connected to my "personal growth" lately as I've been dealing with my love addiction and co-dependency issues. In fact, I'm beginning to see the link between faith and dealing with addictions - everyone knows the strong link between Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and faith. I've known about the success of AA for years and yet I have never really understood why it's been so successful! Honestly, I think the 12 steps were written really quite poorly. Just putting that out there - they read rather redundantly and extremely ambiguously. I've been to one AA meeting as a guest and a few Al-Anon meetings to test drive it and always left feeling like really? That works? But yes, it does...so I knew there was something I was missing from my understanding of the process. Now I'm beginning to understand. The faith is a huge part of its success.

Another Cowboy's Sad, Sad Song

I did it again. I'm obviously not entirely detached from this girl. I could try to minimize my feelings and explain why I shouldn't feel them but it wouldn't change the fact that I still feel them. Why I do probably has more to do with me than it seems but I guess I just don't know how to feel differently. I know that my behaviors in response to my feelings are what really matter in how I get along in this world, though, so at least I had the awareness not to respond the way I probably would've responded even just a few or even two months ago. I actually drafted an email - dangerously, actually. I did it on my phone which I've easily accidentally sent emails from previously before they were finished and I even had her email address in the send box...so had I accidentally touched the send spot, I would've fucked up. I knew I was playing with fire there... And honestly, probably did it on purpose cause I wanted to send the email. I wanted to indulge myself. I wanted to know for sure and maybe hoped it wouldn't be true if she was dating this other, cuter, maybe even more interesting and maybe less crazy girl or not. There are so many reasons why sending that email wouldn't be healthy and even just the thinking around it isn't healthy.

Not to even go into how it's not my business whether or not she's dating or doing anything for that matter, for me to want/need to know that is codependence - not being able to sit with the unknown - and either way the resulting answer would be, she's still not trying to date me. Furthermore, I need to stop needing that confirmation of my worth. I'm worthy of love. Starting from me. But I want affection too! I can't kiss me, I can't hug me, I can't hold me when I cry...I'm starving for that... Famished.

But I'm still alive. I can get hugs from some of my friends. I'm pretty f-ing awesome at masturbating (as long as I don't end up crying at the end, feeling sorry for myself that the only way I can satisfy my sexual needs is by masturbation.) I need to have the FAITH that I will someday be able to fall in love with someone who will be able to fall in love with me and we can build a healthy, and imperfect, relationship together... That faith has not been my "thing", but more recently I have begun to understand faith a bit more. It necessitates openness, flexibility, a willingness to try something different.

And "something different" seems about right, right now. What I've been doing over and over again for 34 years really hasn't been working. So, OK. I'll try. And I'll try to also listen to my gut (without trying to manipulate what I hear). So I beg you, Abby, my Goddess of romantic love and attraction (since I felt that way for her when she was alive, and not my sister cause she's my sister - I need her for other prayers, anyway...) - although, Jodi, you can jump in to help if you feel so inclined...all the help would he appreciated!

There are other things I wanted to post - about how I was wrong about her not working on her shit even though I am working on mine - I was wrong about that. I have no reason whatsoever to feel "better-than" her. (not that I should be feeling that way, anyway.) I guess I just wanted to make myself feel better because I feel badly about myself due to her not wanting to date me. Hey J (me) - just accept that it sucks to feel rejected. Sit with it. Let the tears roll down. Feel the pain. It's not killing you. And you will feel better again. And you will feel loved again. Feel love from yourself in the form of acceptance. It's not her "fault". It's not yours, either. It's just the way it is and it's ok that it hurts, but lashing out will only make it hurt more and for longer.

That's what I'd say to myself if I was someone else. I'll read it to myself now and go to sleep listening to my sister and my favorite Poison song, "Every Rose Has It's Thorn".

Pick-up Lines for Molecular/Cell Biologists

I decided I'm gonna embrace what I'm good at and try to use those skills to land me some ladies (ok, I'm totally being facetious here cause I really am not trying to "land" any ladies right now but I still like to think about what I would do if I were cool enough to be a "play-ah")...

I am not sly or sleak or fashionably dark/brooding (I'm just genuinely dark/brooding sometimes) so those things won't work for me. I don't have "game" (nor do I really want any 'cause I hate dating/head games!)... So what do I have going for me??

1) I'm fairly cute

2) I'm sweet (for the most part...I try for sure)

3) I'm smart. Really fucking smart. Not the smartest but it's kinda what I've always been into - figuring shit out. And what am I smartest about? Molecular, cellular, developmental and biochemical biology - but mostly M&C (I got my PhD in an MCDB program).

So my first line of attack is my semi-decent looks and charm. Then comes my second line of attack - my intelligence. Why not put it first so I can try to beat out some of the others who are better looking...(my biggest insecurity...whenever someone is better looking than I am I almost automatically assume they will beat me out for any girl I might be interested in. And maybe that's true to some extent, but it's awfully shallow. I don't want to get into that discussion right now 'cause I kinda feel like keeping this post a bit lighter than my other recent posts.)

Well, on that note, I've come up with some lines for the ladies:

"Wanna see my data?"
"Hey baby, I'll take you on a cytospin!" (actually inaccurate - a person cannot be cytospun! It's for cells to be spun down onto a microscope slide!)

"I bet you've never seen a western blot with such tight bands before!"

"I'll super-shift you anyday!" (with reference to EMSAs - electromobility shift assays - the assay I became an expert at in grad school)

"Let's immunoprecipitate!"

"Wanna pulse-chase my radioactive labeling??" (or just "wanna pulse-chase?")

Here's a super-cheesy one: "I wanna knock-myself-in to YOUR genes!" (or "jeans") - referencing gene knock-in mice
"Damn! My geiger counter is SCREAMING - looks like you're SUPER HOT!" (get it? Geiger counters measure radioactivity and we refer to something radioactive as being "hot")
"I'd like to excitate YOUR fluorophore!"
"Hey baby, let's denature each other..." (there could be many variations on 'denaturation')

Ok, I'm running out at the moment but I know there are plenty more! As I think of them I may add them...

But let's face it. There's nothing sexier than a scientist trying to make science jokes to pick up the ladies. Absolutely nothing sexier.

............plummeting down.....

So I did let loose some anger in my last post and it is a little embarrassing. I mean, I suppose it wasn't the worst it could've been but...I generally like to think I'm a pretty compassionate person.

Like a wounded animal, I tend to lash out when I'm in pain. It's not terribly mature, no, but thankfully I've kept it to myself, my therapist, my journals and my blog. I don't want to sabotage any hopes for any type of relationships I might be able to have with people I like and care about, including this girl that I briefly dated last. It's not really about her, either, and I feel badly that I cannot just meet a nice girl and maybe have feelings for her without it seeming to take over my best intentions. I hate that love and sweetness can so easily flip into hurt and anger. I wasn't "in love" with her but I think I could've developed those feelings that I have thought were love. I'm not sure I even really know what true love feels like, other than the way I feel for family, a few friends and my pets. What is "true" romantic love? Funny that I'd be a "love addict" and not even know what real love is/feels like.

Actually, today I was waiting for the shuttle to work from the BART station (16th and Mission). A cute hipster lesbian/dyke walked by and those were my thoughts "oh look at the cute dyke...oh yeah, she's pretty trendy looking with her hair like that and her clothes...hipster, I guess? I bet lots of girls think she's cute.." and then I just felt like shit and wanted to cry. 'Cause I'm not a hipster. I'm not fashionable. I might be cute but nobody will notice because I'm mostly in the lab or at home crying, or if I'm out I'm certainly not trendy looking - in fact, I go for kinda silly, geeky or dorky just because I know I can. Yeah, lately I've been throwing pitty party after pitty party for myself. Seriously wanting to evaporate. I find it disgusting too. I'm on a downward spiral with that....hmmm...doing that thing where I get upset with myself for feeling upset...and thus, I get more upset...

Have you noticed that I've left all semblance of good grammar behind? I guess it all goes together. As I fall apart.

Here are some lyrics that have spoken to me lately:

There is a wall

That runs right through me

Just like the city

I will never be joined

What is this love?

Why can I never hold it?

Did it really run-out

      in a stranger's bedroom?

I

I have decided

at 25

That something must change

After sex the

Bitter taste been

Fooled again the

Search continues

[teach yourself

how to truly love]

~ from Kreuzberg by Bloc Party

Well Jesus Christ I'm alone again

so what did you do those three days you were dead?

'cause this problem's gonna last

more than the weekend

~ from Jesus Christ by Brand New

They're not the full lyrics - just the ones that speak to me. Plus, the Jesus Christ lyrics make me smile - they're clever!

Then I wrote some lyrics the other day but no music so...they'll probably wash away with the tide but here they are:

I wake up every morning with a broken heart

No particular culprit

Just thumping pumping

Breathing

Moving

It's all strained

And I've got me

Only

To blame

Pandora and Me

My therapist wants me to "get in touch" with my anger. I don't. It terrifies me - every time I "get in touch" with it, it ends up hurting me even more. I wonder if it's because I avoid it until I have no choice, though.

I am angry, though. I'm angry that here I am, working my ass off, hurting like hell, trying to be honest - always being as honest as possible to everyone - and yet I see others that have hurt me but because they don't want to feel like they're hurting me, they hurt me more with their lack of integrity or dishonesty or avoidance or just plain ickiness. People are wimps when it comes to dealing with themselves honestly.  Admittedly, I am too, 'cause here I am feeling "better-than" these people - ok, this person - because I am actually doing what I said I would do. I didn't give anyone any f-ing lines to try to make myself feel better because I think what I said wouldn't hurt them. But in the end - it all comes back around and yes, it hurts. Let me be explicit: the girl I dated most recently had ended it with me saying that she has "no business dating anyone right now" and she said that she "told the other girl this too" ('cause there was another girl who she had sex with while dating me and that's why she needed to end it 'cause she felt icky about it or something.) Anyway, she never needed to tell me either thing and now I wish she hadn't because I don't believe either statement whatsoever or that she meant either statement with any type of integrity. I felt it then that it might not be true and now I also have reason to believe that she is either dating again or never really ceased, except for dating me.

I'm angry because she tried not to hurt me but now she's avoiding me - clearly - because she has all these lies/secrets to keep so as not to hurt me? No. It's so as not to face her own hypocracy. Because it is hurting me and she doesn't care - maybe she thinks I don't know or don't hurt because of it but the truth is that it's not about me, just as it never has been. She doesn't even know me - how can it be about me?

So that's the other part. I don't want to date like that anymore - you know, where you are making out and sleeping with someone as you get to know them! That means that all the affection and attention and seemingly "love" coming from that person has everything to do with your superficial characteristics and nothing or very little to do with your depth of character, etc etc. - you know, the reasons to really love someone. It's all fucking fake as hell and I'm done being fooled and used! Yes, I feel so used!

I feel so used.

But of course, the flipside is that I did it, too. In my situation, though, it was that she fit my fantasy. The first time I met her I actually wasn't all into her but as soon as she started to show interest in me, she became much more attractive to me. She was always physically attractive but I hadn't felt anything churn inside me, you know, like butterflies or whatever, until I thought she was into me. Of course, that's my fantasy - to be loved, to be wanted, to be adored. Like I said previously, I crave that! So that is my ugly side - that she fit my fantasy and I suppose I used her, too, 'cause I don't know her any better than she knows me. With one exception: I know she says one thing and does something else. Her words and her behavior do not line up. I work my ass off to make mine line up because I put a very high value on integrity - it might be the highest of value to me other than love and compassion. However, I am not perfect at it, either.

So after anger comes forgiveness. That'll be another post. Right now I'm gonna stay with my anger. My therapist said that anger is protection - it is a way to protect ourselves from having our boundaries crossed (in the future again, I suppose, because I think anger comes from having a boundary crossed). From this, then, my anger is telling me that in the future I might choose to get to know someone before making out and sleeping with them.

Growing Up

I have to grow up now.

Wait, aren't you already an adult? You might ask...and I would say yes, technically I am. But according to Pia Mellody's books on Love Addicts/Codependents - and since I have accepted that I am a love addict/codependent - I didn't get the proper nurturing as a child and, thus, never learned the skills that each mature adult needs to make their way through this world in the healthiest way possible. She says codependence is a disease of a lack of maturity, or a disease of immaturity. I really am sick of all the crap associated with this disease...but ok, fine: I'm an immature, spineless piece of dog shit that needs to be smeered across the road...what? what? Am I reverting? Regressing? No, I'm just feeling a little defeated but it'll pass.

Let's just be honest here, shall we? (and by we I mean me and by honest I'm being redundant 'cause I'm always honest). I'm scared I'll fail at this again. I say again because I was in therapy for relationship issues about a decade ago up until I moved across the country almost six years ago. I thought I had made it through to the "other side" - that being the healthy side where I believed I was making healthy choices and capable of having a healthy, sustainable relationship. But obviously I wasn't quite there and I ended up slipping back into another unhealthy relationship.

I know I'm a bit obsessive about this problem/process, too. I also need a vacation and thankfully will be taking one soon. I have a headache. I have a heartache. I wake up 4/7 days a week feeling like something's missing - and by something I mean my entire reason to live. Ok that's f-ing dramatic! But sitting here, writing this, waiting to feel ok about leaving work without bringing too much attention to it, there is that empty feeling inside me like where can I even go that will feel good? Or just better than the way I feel right now. I'm tired of myself. I often feel like I could easily not exist and nobody would know for days (except maybe my co-workers)...or weeks, even.

I watch TV a lot because I live alone and it makes me feel like I'm not alone. One TV show I watch on occasion is "Bones" which is about a scientist woman, they call her Bones cause she's an anthropologist and knows a lot about bones, who investigates murders with this other guy, but the point of bringing her up is that she's nerdy and knows a lot of stuff so when she made some comment that "even an ordinary house-cat" would eat your dead body before it got cold, I was truly impressed by the thought. I looked over at my cats with new respect (and fear)...and thought to myself, yeah, I can see that - the one cat, Bates, likes to lick my nose and after several licks he invariably takes a chomp at it, trying to sink his long fangs into my skin. Sometimes he succeeds to some extent and I end up with a bloody nose - inside and out. Yeah, I doubt he'd even wait for me to be breathless.

Anyway, I think about what would happen if I just died suddenly, by myself in my apartment. And now I kinda know - my cats would eat me. I'm actually kinda glad 'cause at least they'd get fed and at least my body would go to use (although I'm also an organ donor), and maybe, (but probably not), there'd be less of a stench when someone did come to find, by happenstance, my dead body.

Yeah, growing up is about death. But I learned all about death when I was young. Been there done that. Now I need to grow myself up and I don't even know what I didn't learn from my parents as a child that I must now teach myself. That's why this is so difficult - it's the blind girl teaching herself how to read. I need to love the child that didn't get the love and attention she needed. I didn't know I didn't get the love and attention that I needed - I only knew that I wanted more. I need to truly feel that I am valuable and who I am is valuable even though I was told that who I was and wanted to be was not ok. Here I am referring specifically to my gender stuff - I always wanted to be more like a boy and I was always fighting to be that way because my mom and society wanted me to be more feminine. I just learned to accept that I was an ugly, unlovable boy-girl. I've long since realized that's not true, but I guess I haven't truly felt it. Because I still crave someone to tell me, to show me that they love me and think I'm somehow attractive - beautiful, even.

Sheesh, that made me cry. That hits home. Oh yeah, 'cause it is home - it's my life.

Well, I'm still trying to grow up. I never knew loving myself would be this hard.