Molting

[I love how I write in my blogs while I'm at work...hmmm...is this how my body takes a vacation despite myself?]

It's important to listen to one's own body. Today, or actually throughout the night last night as well, I woke up with an acute, pulsing pain radiating from my lower back/hip/upper buttock and down the back of my left leg, almost to my knee. It didn't take long for me to determine that it was probably 'sciatica' and that I should make an appointment with my chiropractor ASAP, so that's what I did - I have one for later this evening. I also found my back brace/wrap and have been wearing it for most of the day so far. It is certainly helping, but hasn't completely erradicated the pain. [Update: I went to the chiropractor, he adjusted me and I'm not in pain anymore. People who don't "believe" in chiropractors are morons. Ok, that might be a bit judgmental/harsh...I mean, they're ignorant - and in this case, ignorance is not bliss.]

I'm trying to listen to my body in more ways than just to help with my physical pain. In recent years, I've noticed that my body is very sensitive to how I feel, whether or not I consciously know how I feel, and it lets me know in both subtle and obvious ways. I'm just now learning how to read the subtle physical manifestations of my internal pain and turmoil. I shall explain...

I've had a couple of posts now where I've directly written about my love addiction problems. In addition, or actually within the "love addiction" diagnosis, I have accepted that I am a "co-dependent." I have purchased Pia Mellody's book, Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives, as well as the accompanying workbook, Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence. I've started the workbook and I'm quickly reading the book so I can do the exercises in the workbook properly. But DAMN - it's hard. However, I know how to do hard work so that doesn't frighten me. I know how to set and meet goals, so I'm pretty confident I can do this recovery. It's still daunting, though, because it's like shedding the skin I've had and grown since I can remember - it's just a huge task and I don't even know what the new skin will be like - it'll be something I've never known.

What has been happening to me lately has been remarkable - I'm tempted to say, "unexplainable", but I think the explanation is that I'm doing the work (my therapist even said this). I started going through the "withdrawal" a few weeks ago, then it seemed it would snowball when the girl I had been dating told me she didn't want to date anymore and I seriously thought I was gonna fall into one of my "major depressive episodes". However, less than a week later I was already feeling better - calm, serene and like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, you know? And now, for the last few days, I've been wanting to go dancing, even! I've been listening to some great new music that I discovered via that Pandora app, I've been downloading the songs from iTunes and I also started a music blog. I am even feeling inspired to create some music and maybe even share it on my blog! Eventually, I'd like to do some performing again.

I guess I feel like I am listening to my body more - for instance, I ask myself, "am I ready to do such and such" or I imagine myself doing it and I read my physical feelings. If my heart starts to beat faster and I start to get nervous/anxious or feel small and insignificant, I think "I'll hold off on doing that for now", but if my physical sensations feel warm, my heart beat is normal and I feel like the same old me - strong and confident - then I think "I'm clear to go ahead". Of course, this is not necessarily always an option - I mean, sometimes we're faced with these choices and the option is do it or lose your job, etc., then of course you have to get yourself to that place where you can do it without falling apart, or letting it be detrimental to you. That's all about calming oneself down and I know some techniques on that. Mostly, though, my issue right now is in trying to figure out how to experience and share my reality moderately. In part, this means I must recognize what I'm experiencing - how I'm feeling. To do that, I'm listening to my body, because I can't trust my mind. I'm too intelligent for my own good! ha! What I mean by that is that I know what I should feel or what would be the healthy way to feel, but that is not always the reality of how I feel... I guess that might be obvious to others, but to me...well, I've grown up to be a perfectionist. I've grown up with the concept that if you know what's best, then you do it. There was no room for imperfection - imperfection led to pain.

Now I am trying to accept my imperfections. By listening to myself and allowing myself to feel what I actually feel, rather than denying it because I believe I should feel a different way, I am becoming more confident in my own feelings - because I'm valuing them? In any case, maybe because I let myself feel like absolute ass-wipe shit for the past few weeks and I didn't try to run away from those feelings or deny myself them, maybe that's why they're diminishing?

It's not like I never allowed myself to feel what I felt despite believing I should feel a different way - I usually eventually caved into my feelings - but I think I used to get so upset with myself for feeling that way that it would be like a downward spiral and just the fact that I was feeling like that (usually a negative feeling), I'd actually make myself feel even worse, so much that the feelings would overwhelm me and become unbearable (I guess that's 'shame'). All of this is described in Pia Mellody's book on codependence. It's really due to childhood abuse, even though I don't believe my childhood caretakers meant to abuse me nor do I believe they even knew they were doing it (except maybe my Dad, some of the stuff he did would be obvious to anyone, although I'm sure we all minimalized it). So part of this whole process for me is recognizing this abuse, mourning/grieving the cost it had on me and setting it free in the form of forgiveness (of the abuser as well as of myself).

It was Pride last weekend here in San Francisco. Sunday is the Pride parade and usually the most fun activities at the festival which takes up all of the civic center and a few blocks surrounding it. Pride in San Francisco is humongous - I mean, SF is the gay capitol of the world! (pretty much) But Pride in SF has become so huge, so corporate, so not terribly gay anymore, that it's become more of what feels like an obligation than fun for me - especially because I get very anxious in crowds. Also, the last two Pride Sundays I had were with my ex-girlfriend where we fought and broke-up. In fact, last year I was so angry at her for ditching me at the parade (for no apparent reason) that I broke up with her right in the middle of the street, in front of her BDSM/kink community tents, telling her that I didn't love her anymore and that it was truly over (and yet it wasn't...)! I was so angry that I was shaking. I had to go up to a medical marijuana booth and buy a medical marijuana lollipop (they didn't have anything else) so I could calm down. That was a really dark day for me. I behaved like someone I didn't even want to know. I wanted to kill myself when I got home. Instead, I got so f-ed up that I passed out. So this year, although I felt like I was supposed to want to go and party, I didn't go to Pride Sunday. I went to work and back home. I did, though, go to a local BBQ so I could meet some new people. It was a good day - just my pace. I felt good about my decisions. I listened to my body and followed the path that felt the most peaceful and comfortable to me. I was rewarded with genuine, warm and sweet feelings. Yay!

I'm Like Me

I'm single - really single - again.

I dated a girl briefly - 2.5 months or so. She made it clear from the beginning that it was not going to be a "serious" relationship and that she was definitely on the rebound from her recent break-up from a four year relationship with her first girlfriend (at the age of 37 - she said she's "slow", I'd say more of a "late bloomer"). Anyway, so she said she was dating other people at the same time, but that she's not like that normally. She said she's like me normally - naturally monogamous, easily attaching, etc. She said all of these things. And that she liked me a lot and that she wasn't having sex with anyone else.

Until right before she left for 2-3 weeks after her semester ended about a month ago. She had sex with some other girl that she was dating. That's funny cause she totally turned cool around that same time towards me. I noticed it cause I'm very sensitive to people's actions, which reveal their true feelings. She told me this the other day to explain why she cannot date me anymore. She said she felt badly after she had sex with this other girl - that it made her feel like she wasn't being true to herself cause that's not who she is. Well, that's interesting cause...as it turns out, she did that and therefore, that's who she is. At least, that's all I know her as. My problem is that I believed her when she said she was like me - cause I wanted her to be. But she wasn't - she isn't.

I'm like me.

I'm going through withdrawal from my love addiction right now. It's horrendously painful. It sounds ridiculous - withdrawal from love addiction? Come on! But...it's almost as bad as one of my major depressive episodes. Except that I know it will be over at some point, which is not how it feels when I'm going through a major depressive episode - although, admittedly, this has felt pretty daunting at times, as if I'll never get through it. The only reason I know it is temporary is because I have Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Love Addiction", which explains that this 'withdrawal' is part of the recovery process - as long as I don't cave to the feelings and try to do something about them.

In fact, I've decided I'm going to set the goal of getting through this "love addiction" to a healthy-enough place in the next six months such that I could try dating again at that time, hopefully. The problem with that is that I don't tend to feel it for many people. But maybe that's all part of the love addiction, cause apparently love addicts are attracted to unavailable people - Pia Mellody calls them "Love Avoidants".

I didn't think this girl that I was just dating briefly was a "love avoidant" - I actually thought she was pretty healthy. However, now that I really think about it, she did display some of the characteristics - unavailability, lots of boundaries. Maybe she isn't always that way, maybe my "love addiction" behaviors pushed her that way, but that's how she was with me and therefore, that's not healthy for me. (..not to mention my own unhealthy behaviors...despite the fact that I tried not to display them. I guess I'm just not quite there yet.)

So I actually want to be friends with her, for real. I like her as a person. She is very cute and can certainly pull at my attractions....but if I'm going to be friends with her I want to let go of the notion of ever having a romantic, dating relationship with her again, even though I wouldn't say never to the idea - I just need to let go of it. So I actually did something I've never done before: I told her I needed some time to deal with my feelings for her before I can be just her friend. That was hard butI have to say that I am proud of myself. I'm trying to do what's best for me - and I need more friends!

Waiting for Me

Someone once called me "a big ball of sadness." Full disclosure - it was an ex-girlfriend. One of my fears is that I am and will always be that.

It seems that sometimes I'm always on the verge of tears. Clearly that sentence is a contradiction in terms, but it does sum up how it feels for me.

Lately I'm trying to unearth some serious demons inside me that hold me back from getting the thing I've always wanted just by the shear need I have for it - to meet, fall in love, and have a sustained, long-lasting, healthy relationship with another healthy, beautiful woman. The truth is that I'm not as healthy as I want to be or really, need to be for this to happen. Also, I have to stop wanting it - needing it - so badly. That's the hardest part. I cannot lie to myself so what can I do to truly feel something I don't really feel or know how to feel? Well, that's where the therapist comes in, hopefully, right?

My therapist diagnosed me as a "love addict." Feel free to look it up. I don't feel like defining it cause if I were to define it I'd say a "love addict" is a spineless, hopeless, selfless (in the true meaning of the word), sick, pathetic human being (at a stretch) that will do anything - endure anything - just to be loved and to be "in love." I hope it's needless to say but I sure as hell don't like the idea of me being a "love addict." However...although I don't think I'm the extreme case, I have come to the acceptance that yes, indeed, I am a love addict (as much as it sickens me). Sadly, too, I've been told it before - by a different therapist (two other therapists, actually, who were also the best other therapists I ever had.) So three therapists agree: I am a mother-f-ing love addict. Yay. Woop. Ee.

So the only good thing about the diagnosis is that there is a method of "recovery" from love addiction. The thing is that I have worked on many of the symptoms before through cognitive behavioral therapy - you know, when you actively re-direct your obsessive thoughts, keep yourself busy doing things that help you re-focus on yourself instead of on the other, work on self-esteem, etc. I actually progressed quite a bit with that therapy - I thought, in fact, that I was "healed", in a way. Clearly, however, I wasn't. All that had to happen was: 1) move 3000 miles away from where I lived for my first 28 years of life 2) have my heart broken by a girl that I truly believed would become my wife 3) not have a good therapist to help me for 3 years 4) meet another girl that I was super-attracted to and who seemed to fulfill my fantasies... and voila! I was sucked back into the love addiction for two years.

But the truth is that I never really was all that "healed"! I had just learned a bunch of techniques on how to appear healthy to others. Inside my head and heart, however, I was still the same broken girl I'd always been. I don't want to be broken anymore.

So bring it. Let the demons come up - let me face them so I can expunge of them forever! I want to stab them like I sometimes think about stabbing myself in the face.