River Phoenix is dead

I was watching TV last night when I saw a commercial for a new movie coming out that stars Johnny Depp as the voice of the main character ('Rango'). It's an animated movie. I think it's even in 3-D. I'll certainly go to see it if it's in 3-D. I only really go to 3-D movies now since it's too expensive to go to a movie that I could easily rent on DVD a few months later for only a few dollars.

Anyway, I was watching the commercial and thinking to myself - Johnny Depp is a really good actor, has he won an Oscar yet? He must have! So, of course, like any curiosity I have anymore, I looked up Johnny Depp online - via Google - and found out: 1) No, Johnny Depp has not won an Oscar yet although he has been nominated a few times and 2) River Phoenix's death will always be linked to Johnny Depp (as it seems since there were a bunch of hits mentioning River Phoenix.) [Actually, after reviewing this I realized that this is not how I got to River Phoenix - I guess he will always be linked to River's death in my mind since I think I just wondered if they ever were in a movie together because I knew they were friends and they both have that same je ne sais quoi but I couldn't find any references to a movie together and couldn't remember it and anyway if you do look up both of their names you will find most of the links to be about his death.] That, of course, opened a wound I had not thought about in a long time.

In fourth grade, or maybe it was the Summer after fourth grade, I went to a birthday party - a slumber party (which I always dreaded since I had issues cause I liked to actually go to sleep and I had homesickness problems) - at a friend's house fairly far from home (about a half hour). Almost all of the girls in my class were there (I went to a small, private school with approximately 30-35 kids per grade/class). I remember it was a warm late Spring or Summer evening, we played tetherball in the backyard...and other such activities. There might have even been an above-ground pool. Then, after pizza and cake and presents, we went to a room that we set up our sleeping bags in for the night and we chose between two movies - one that I cannot remember, the other one the majority picked: 'Stand By Me' which I don't think I wanted to see but I also didn't know much about it. So our friend's mom put the VHS tape in the machine and we all got comfy and watched it. Well, I think it's probably "needless to say", but yes, I fell in love with that movie - but really, I fell in love with River Phoenix and his portrayal of Chris Chambers. It was 1987 and I was 10.

There was something about River Phoenix that felt real to me - he made me feel like he and I were one of the same or definitely similar. His emotions onscreen were my emotions inside. Even his facial expressions somehow seemed reminiscent of my own facial expressions. For a long time I thought I was in love with him - a deep, bonded love, more than just sexual. Then, years later, I realized it wasn't that I wanted to be with him - it was that I wanted to be him. For years after, I was obsessed with getting my hair cut like Chris Chambers' hair in the movie - a "buzz cut"! I read interviews with River Phoenix which only made me love him more - he was just a good, clean-cut, genuine, kind and peaceful person - just like Chris Chambers in the movie (except in the movie he had a bad reputation because of his family). Even his name feels peaceful - natural. I used to wish my name was like that - I even thought of 'Ocean' as something I'd want to be called! I read somewhere that he lived in San Diego, CA, with his family and I immediately became fixated on someday living in San Diego! River Phoenix was a no-drug-taking, vegetarian, peace-and-nature loving kid, as far as I knew.

Then, after a few years of a lot of life for me - I woke up on November 1st, 1993 (almost an entire year since the untimely and tragic death of my older sister and her newborn son, my nephew) and heard on the radio that River Phoenix died the night before outside a nightclub in L.A. from a drug overdose.

I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. I was floored. I was devastated. It felt like my soulmate - or part of my soul, even - had suddenly turned into something unrecognizable and vanished into thin air. I thought it was a lie - River Phoenix didn't do drugs! He was a "good kid"! He was anti-drugs! He can't die - he's only 23! (Although, at the time, I was 16 and felt like 23 was an "adult".)

Still, to this day, I find it hard to accept. This was a mistake. A fatal mistake. This wasn't the River Phoenix most of us knew. But now it will be the River Phoenix that most of us will remember forever. It makes me sad and angry. It angers me because it's just the smallest fraction of who he was - I know cause I felt it - doing drugs and what not (I even went through a brief phase when I did some hard drugs around the same age!) And if he had lived he would've figured it out as bullshit and moved on with his life to create more meaningful performances and art that would truly affect people and move them. But in this Universe, in this version, he died and his legacy is fixed.

One of the websites I found when I was on my internet search last night gave a very detailed description of what happened that night that he died - as detailed as someone who wasn't there might be able to give. It was really quite graphic even though I didn't click on any of the links to see his coffin or to hear the 911 call that his brother, Joaquin, made outside the Viper Room (Johnny Depp's nightclub that will forever be associated with River Phoenix's death.) I'm usually one of those gruesomely curious people who will click on those links and listen to the calls but the idea of it disgusted me in this case. I don't want to see him like that - I had trouble even reading the description of his death - his foaming at the mouth, yelling at the guy who gave him the last bump of a drug ("Persian Brown"), uncontrollable flailing and seizures. He did so many different drugs that night - marijuana, valium, cocaine, crystal meth, heroin. It's almost as if he was trying to kill himself. Instead, I think he just had too many opportunities - he probably was just given each drug to try. Most people can't afford that many drugs! Well, no one can in the end.

Honestly, maybe I'm also a little scarred from reading that description. It reminded me of my own drug experiences. Doing drugs is scary. The last time I did cocaine I felt that horrible feeling when we were coming down from it (cause we ran out!) - like I would never feel good again. My heart was racy and I was jittery - I think it felt like drinking way too much coffee but not feeling good and happy and free - it felt like being caged in my own body as it tried to get rid of the poison. I was 22 at the time, living in Staten Island with a girlfriend who was 18 and I was supporting both of us on a graduate student stipend, attending NYU for a masters in music technology. I never finished the program, let alone the first semester! Moving out of NYC probably saved me from becoming a drug addict (and possibly saved my life, although I don't know if I'd ever let it get that bad.) I wanted to move, in part, to get away from the easy and sleazy access. That girlfriend was into drugs and picked up sleazy people all the time to hang out with and get drugs from. So we moved to Pittsburgh. And I applied to Pitt and got into their doctorate program in biology - MCDB: Molecular, Cell, Developmental biology & Biochemistry. The rest is history...

(Actually, all of it is..)

Just to truly complete this blog and not leave it all hanging, I guess I just really miss River Phoenix. I wish he was alive now and continuing with his art. Sometimes it feels like a piece of me died when he died. Or maybe a piece of him stayed alive in me.

About that time

It's long been said that there are several phases or stages of grief. I found a website that outlines seven, to be exact: 1) Shock & Denial 2) Pain & Guilt 3) Anger & Bargaining 4) "Depression", Reflection and Lonliness 5) The Upward Turn 6) Reconstruction & Working Through 7) Acceptence and Hope. Honestly, that seems like a lot and also I believe the order is not always as described and yes, of course, each individual will experience it in a different way. In any case, as far as my newest addition to my ex-girlfiriends is concerned - it looks like we've entered stage 3) Anger (and I'm not sure why "bargaining" is here...I feel like that is more in stage 1)). It feels like she is collecting data, evaluating it and getting angry at me now. So, of course, I am reflecting on data I've already collected and showing her how it angered me. Maybe that's not fair - you know, for me to do that. In fact, maybe this is the time when we should stop all communication.

You might wonder why we're even continuing to communicate in the first place right now. Let me explain. I think maybe Lesbian Break-Up Grief has a slightly different take on the regular version. For instance, I think we, lesbians, like to think that we can be friends seamlessly immediately after breaking up. Just turn the formerly sexual relationship into a non-sexual one. However, that never works. But I believe it is the first stage of Lesbian Break-Up Grief. The problem is that it's not a separate stage - all the normal stages happen at the same time - kind of like: 1) Let's slightly adjust our relationship from sexual to non-sexual and stay close friends 1a) Shock & Denial 1b) Pain & Guilt 1c) Anger...then there's a problem. Cause 1c) Anger brings out the problems which caused the end of the relationship to begin with. Hence, the friendship cannot work, either, and there's the end of the friendship as stage 2). Then, again, we go back to 2a) Shock & Denial 2b) Pain & Guilt.. all the while still angry. Then, maybe the regular stages resume. I don't know.. I can't quite remember. It seems like the first three stages last until time dissipates the emotions.

Anyway, we're on anger. She's angry at me for breaking up with her over and over again during the course of our (almost) two year relationship. Then she's also angry that I broke up with her this last time despite saying I'd try to work it out with her. But the question is, when have you tried hard enough? When do you throw in the towel?

To be honest, she has legitimate reason to be angry at me for breaking up with her over and over again while we dated. I know I should've just stayed broken up with her after I broke up with her the first time (after a month of dating). But I was weak. And wanted it to work...we always made some sort of deal on how it would work but usually it was me who compromised or promised something. Usually - but there were two clear changes that she made after I broke up with her at two different times. In any case, I guess I wanted her to change more. And some things I couldn't figure out how to get her to change. But the truth is - if you base your relationship on how you think it could be and not how it is, then you're really playing with fire as far as the stability of the relationship is concerned. I've known that the whole time, too. I just put it out of my mind. Did I mention that she's gorgeous? At least to me.

I guess I'm not really that angry at her except that she has no idea how she is to others. She has no idea how her behavior affects others. I don't think she really cares, either. Maybe I'm angry about that. Mostly I'm full of guilt and sadness still.