Twenty years have gone by and I don't feel much different.
I can't fight it, it seems. As far as I get, like the recoil on a stretched rubber band, I fly that much faster right back from whence I came.
I cannot take part in the purposeful destruction of myself. I promised myself and others, but I don't feel any different - I still want to crawl into the nothingness in which I feel I am already. Instead, like a sore that just won't go away, I am still here, growing uglier and more painful each day.
No one's going to rescue me. That is pure fantasy.
I'm just looking for one or two real people who know the truth, or at least don't deny it when they see it.
I'm tired of regurgitated slogans.
After all the love I've given and continue to give, trying my hardest but right now I'm feeling its loss...why am I still so alone?
I thought I'd come so far. But now I've found myself lost again.
So far away from love.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Today, I'm Sober
I've been sober for one entire week now. Sober from marijuana, alcohol, and love addiction. It's easy to measure sobriety from smoking/vaping/eating pot and drinking alcohol. It's not as easy to measure sobriety from love addiction. But, I'm pretty sure I have been sober from love addiction this entire week. It's hard to really know, except that it hasn't caused me any additional pain.
I was on vacation for the entire week that I have been sober. I visited some friends in Pittsburgh, where I lived and attended graduate school for six years. My best friend who I stayed with is also sober, so it was relatively easy to stay sober with her. However, the whole reason I planned my trip there for this particular week was because another one of my best friends was throwing his big, yearly independence day party - which we attended. There was plenty of alcohol and, at some point, pot brownies were distributed. I am proud to say that I was still able to abstain. Again, my best friend (I'm calling her my best friend although I know I'm not technically her best friend), who is also sober, was with me, so it was still relatively easy. Or, rather, easier than if I were all by myself, trying to remain sober. I was able to have fun without drinking or getting stoned. It's a victory for me, even if rather small. The true test will be when I feel my love addiction rising again - if I can remain sober then. The whole reason for me getting sober from alcohol and marijuana is so that I can, hopefully, remain sober in my love addiction.
In my previous post, I wrote about the last incident that led to my last love addictive behavior. I didn't really write about what I did, though. Essentially, what happened was that I had been drinking and smoking weed all day, both days of that Pride weekend. After discovering that my latest OOMA (object of my affection) has been doing the same sort of "catch and release" behavior with other women in her life - not just me - I became quite angry at her for making me feel like the reason she ended our friendship was all because of me - my mistakes - and not taking any responsibility for her own. I suppose I reasoned that if she could see that she also equally made mistakes in the interaction, then she would be understanding and forgiving of mine and we could, hopefully, be friends again. [Clearly, I have still held on to the fantasy of a great friendship that she promised me from the very beginning, despite the evidence that it no longer exists, and may never really have truly existed before.] In any case, the problem was that I was drunk and stoned, obviously causing me to lose my better judgment, and thus, on Sunday, I ended up texting her in a drunk/high stupor to essentially tell her how angry I was at her. I had even deleted her contact info from my phone prior to doing that, but still had older texts saved in my phone, which I knew were from her so I could easily retrieve the phone number. I mean, I didn't even have a momentary hesitation - which is scary, seeing as I've been in recovery for almost an entire year and specifically in SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) for the past three months!
Then the nasty texts went on for a day and a half. We were both compulsively responding to each other, despite the clear fact that it was only deteriorating. It only stopped after she said something about getting a restraining order and then I wrote that if she stops texting, I stop. So she stopped. And I stopped.
But that was my wake-up call. It was gross - the fact that I had no breaks! There was no reason for me to text her and tell her how angry I was at her. Obviously, I wanted to hurt her because she hurt me. But that only made her feel more justified in hurting me, and, of course, gave her more opportunity to do just that. As if I was saying, 'hey, don't you want to take a few more stabs at me?' I'm not even sure I can hurt her. That's not what I really want, anyway.
What I really wanted was for my fantasy to be true - the one she promised me of having this great, close, even best friendship. It hurt so badly to be offered that, then to have it ripped away from me as soon as the going got rough. Best friends are there through the hard times. But...their relationship develops into a "best friendship" over time, not simply offered/proposed at the beginning. (She told me that I was her "best friend" after only really hanging out together for about two weeks! Yes, that has now become a red flag for me.)
So I decided that I needed to stop all activities that jeopardize my sobriety in love addiction. Thus, I realized that I needed to stop drinking and smoking weed. And...I'm proud to say, I've been sober for the past week. But...I'm not extremely confident about the forever future... But, as they say, just take it "one day at a time". So that's what I'm doing. Today, I'm sober.
I was on vacation for the entire week that I have been sober. I visited some friends in Pittsburgh, where I lived and attended graduate school for six years. My best friend who I stayed with is also sober, so it was relatively easy to stay sober with her. However, the whole reason I planned my trip there for this particular week was because another one of my best friends was throwing his big, yearly independence day party - which we attended. There was plenty of alcohol and, at some point, pot brownies were distributed. I am proud to say that I was still able to abstain. Again, my best friend (I'm calling her my best friend although I know I'm not technically her best friend), who is also sober, was with me, so it was still relatively easy. Or, rather, easier than if I were all by myself, trying to remain sober. I was able to have fun without drinking or getting stoned. It's a victory for me, even if rather small. The true test will be when I feel my love addiction rising again - if I can remain sober then. The whole reason for me getting sober from alcohol and marijuana is so that I can, hopefully, remain sober in my love addiction.
In my previous post, I wrote about the last incident that led to my last love addictive behavior. I didn't really write about what I did, though. Essentially, what happened was that I had been drinking and smoking weed all day, both days of that Pride weekend. After discovering that my latest OOMA (object of my affection) has been doing the same sort of "catch and release" behavior with other women in her life - not just me - I became quite angry at her for making me feel like the reason she ended our friendship was all because of me - my mistakes - and not taking any responsibility for her own. I suppose I reasoned that if she could see that she also equally made mistakes in the interaction, then she would be understanding and forgiving of mine and we could, hopefully, be friends again. [Clearly, I have still held on to the fantasy of a great friendship that she promised me from the very beginning, despite the evidence that it no longer exists, and may never really have truly existed before.] In any case, the problem was that I was drunk and stoned, obviously causing me to lose my better judgment, and thus, on Sunday, I ended up texting her in a drunk/high stupor to essentially tell her how angry I was at her. I had even deleted her contact info from my phone prior to doing that, but still had older texts saved in my phone, which I knew were from her so I could easily retrieve the phone number. I mean, I didn't even have a momentary hesitation - which is scary, seeing as I've been in recovery for almost an entire year and specifically in SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) for the past three months!
Then the nasty texts went on for a day and a half. We were both compulsively responding to each other, despite the clear fact that it was only deteriorating. It only stopped after she said something about getting a restraining order and then I wrote that if she stops texting, I stop. So she stopped. And I stopped.
But that was my wake-up call. It was gross - the fact that I had no breaks! There was no reason for me to text her and tell her how angry I was at her. Obviously, I wanted to hurt her because she hurt me. But that only made her feel more justified in hurting me, and, of course, gave her more opportunity to do just that. As if I was saying, 'hey, don't you want to take a few more stabs at me?' I'm not even sure I can hurt her. That's not what I really want, anyway.
What I really wanted was for my fantasy to be true - the one she promised me of having this great, close, even best friendship. It hurt so badly to be offered that, then to have it ripped away from me as soon as the going got rough. Best friends are there through the hard times. But...their relationship develops into a "best friendship" over time, not simply offered/proposed at the beginning. (She told me that I was her "best friend" after only really hanging out together for about two weeks! Yes, that has now become a red flag for me.)
So I decided that I needed to stop all activities that jeopardize my sobriety in love addiction. Thus, I realized that I needed to stop drinking and smoking weed. And...I'm proud to say, I've been sober for the past week. But...I'm not extremely confident about the forever future... But, as they say, just take it "one day at a time". So that's what I'm doing. Today, I'm sober.
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