Patterns

I'm "too much". [ex-girlfriends]

I need to "focus". [bosses]

I'm looking for "too serious" of a relationship. (as in - I want too much from them). [girls I date or want to date]

When am I gonna be just right?

It seems to me like when one figures out what their life's purpose is and goes for it - or at least starts towards it - then things start to fit into place. I'm sure this has to do with the overall purpose or structure that one had planned out for their life during the "inbetween" lifetimes period, but what's strange to me is how when you're not heading towards that purpose or goal, life just seems to unravel, doors close, and you are miserable, thus not attracting people but repelling them instead. That pretty much describes my life so far.

My life unravels periodically, almost like clockwork. In college, it was by the end of each semester - of course, this is probably not terribly unusual seeing as everything comes to a head by the end of the semester - with finals and what not. Since then, the periodicity has lengthened. It's more like a 2-4 year cycle for me now. There are actually quite a few parallels between my work and my relationships - in fact, this may be a significant realization here: In both my work life and my personal relationship life I have had the pattern that people are often very excited to know me at first - they really like me before they know me that well. So this must be a superficial conclusion on their part, filling in the blanks with their own fantasies of who I am. But once the reality of who I am becomes apparent, and their fantasies are thus destroyed, they no longer like me. Then they tell me stuff like that I'm "too much" or that I need to "focus more". But really, what they mean when they say that I'm "too much" is that I'm more than they expected - maybe this leads to them feeling like they must not be enough, thus making them feel inadequate and subsequently defensive. And when they say that I need to "focus more", maybe what they really mean is that they didn't expect me to  work the way I do,  they don't understand it and they want me to do it their way, not mine. Hmm. Yes, I think I'm figuring this out.

This song reminds me that it's common for people to fill in the blanks before they get to know you, and that maybe the reason they like you is because they don't know you:

If I want to be happy, to let the doors of opportunity swing open, to attract people that are like me, then it's apparent to me now that I need to figure out what my purpose is - as soon as possible. Then I need to make a plan for how to accomplish it. I'm beginning to understand that this is not really a choice at all - kind of like being gay. I can either choose to ignore it (my purpose or even searching for it) and be miserable or I can choose to accept it, embrace it and allow myself the opportunity to have the happiest, most fulfilling life I can by being my most genuine, authentic self.

I was talking to a friend of mine  the other day who I hadn't talked to in maybe a month or so. She told me the most inspiring story - her own story of what she's been up to over the past month or so - about how she took a leave of absence from graduate school (she had just begun her last semester or so of a doctoral program on equity in education or something to that effect) so she can go to Israel and study the Torah in preparation of becoming a Rabbi. Apparently, she had read a journal entry that she wrote about a decade ago that said the only real thing that is holding her back from becoming a Rabbi is fear. I guess reading that for her was like a wake-up call - that she was not doing what she was "called" to do solely based out of fear. In fact, after she took the initial steps - taking a leave of absence - things started to just fall into place: one person gave her the money to go to Israel, another person got her into some program to study the Torah there, etc. Basically, what she was telling me is that before she figured this out and started in earnest to attain this goal, doors were shutting all over the place in her life, things seemed to be unraveling for her, but once she made these changes, everything started to work out - doors opened, as if the universe said, finally!, and paved the way for her.

Honestly, science was always just a curiosity of mine. I'm a very curious person. Both of my parents have doctorates in sciences, albeit my mother is a clinical psychologist, so it's not really very similar at all to what I do, but my father was a physicist at Xerox for 30 years which is similar (in the sense that scientific research was how he made a living, too). In any case, I knew how to accomplish those goals - I had role models. But I don't know how to become an artist, musician or writer. As I've mentioned in other posts, I did try to do the musician thing, but I think I made some bad choices - choosing NYU instead of the schools in England that I got into for a graduate program in electronic music (or "Music Technology" at NYU). I don't know how to make enough money doing those things. I also felt like I never wanted to make my art or music into a "product" - really, I suppose, I've never seen anything that I create as a "product". Apparently, though, our capitalist society is based on selling something - products or services (and one could consider their service a product, so really it's all about selling a product). Therefore, in order to survive, one must sell their product. The problem with this is that often the product gets altered in order to sell it, which usually negates the whole reason why the product was created in the first place. It's a bit of a catch-22. So my earlier choice of going for something I don't care as much about - science - instead of something that I put my heart and soul into - art/music/writing - was based on my fear that if I went for what I love so dearly, the whole business of trying to make a living doing it would destroy it for me. The other half of that fear is that I would not be able to survive doing what I love, the way that feels true and right to me. I thought that I could be a scientist and do art and music and write on the side - in my "spare" time. The problem is that there's no spare time and when I make spare time, I lose my competitiveness in my career and thus, end up not being able to make it in science, either! And that's what I've been doing - I periodically try to have a "life" outside of the lab, but once I do that I basically sign my own pink slip.

Scientists write about the need for "work-life balance" all the time. They realize there's a problem, but still nothing changes. It cannot change until everyone in the entire field (or fields) of science chills the fuck out and stops working so goddamn much. But that's not gonna happen. The bottom line is that there's always going to be at least some scientists working 24-7 schedules so that they can get the results they need to publish in order to get the grant money in order to survive. It's a vicious cycle. The other option is just to be plain lucky and cut-throat - like Watson and Crick. They are two English chemists that saw Rosalind Franklin's X-ray diffraction pattern of DNA and realized it was a double helix. From that, they came up with the now-famous model of the DNA base-pairing that explains the mechanism of replication as well as a heritable code for the makeup of the cell and organism - thus finding the "genetic material". They scooped Rosalind Franklin, then she died and they received the Nobel Prize for discovering that DNA is the genetic material while she didn't (because they don't award it posthumously). At this point, most biologists know who she is, but the canonical base-pairing is still called "Watson-Crick base-pairing". There are a gazillion examples of scientists doing this to each other. Unfortunately, it's the way science is funded that leads to this secret, back-stabbing, cut-throat, bullshit way of uncovering knowledge. My issue is that I see knowledge as something no one can own and, thus, is fair for everyone to share - the quest to uncover knowledge is best done in collaboration, where everything is out in the open and everyone's concern is just for the increase of knowledge - not to be the "owner" of that knowledge, like it's a collector's item or something. I know I'm being idealistic here. That's not the way it works in modern society.

So here we are, back at the beginning. What am I meant for? I think if I answer this question and head for that answer, then maybe the other question that I've been pondering for so long, "who am I meant for?" or "who is meant for me?", will be answered. I just have a feeling that's how it's gonna work.

I think I'm meant to be a writer as my main profession, then I could actually have the time to do art and music in my spare time, as well. I think I was meant to earn my doctorate in some science - molecular biology is what it turned out to be - so that I could come to my spiritual awakening this year as I have done. I think I'm supposed to write the book or textbook on it, as well, in collaboration with the other scientists that I've referenced throughout my blog posts on my theory of everything. I think I needed to get my doctorate and publish my own peer-reviewed, primary scientific research in order to earn the other scientists' respect so they are more likely to take me seriously, to truly consider my ideas. The issue I need to reconcile is how to make the change from what I'm doing now to being a full-time writer. I also need to believe I can do it, and diminish my fears that I won't be able to survive at it.

My favorite teacher, Mr.Dalton, was my middle school English teacher. He helped me in more ways than just inspiring me to write - but he did that, for sure. I wrote a story that I wanted to submit to my school's literary magazine and I gave it to him to read so he might help me edit it before submitting. After he read it, he asked if we could meet to talk. I didn't realize it at the time but I guess what I wrote was a huge red flag for a teacher to read! I was depressed, as was the usual for me, and the story was really dark and sad. It was probably a semi-autobiographical story (as most of them are) although I don't remember the details except I know that the first-person persona in the story was crying or something at some point, if not as the main storyline. I honestly cannot remember. In any case, my teacher asked me how I was doing in general. He showed an interest in my well-being. I love that man so much. He is the only man I've ever thought if I could be with a man, I'd want him to be Mr.Dalton (not literally since he's probably 35 years older than me). In any case, after we started meeting - which became a frequent thing, I think like once a week (he was kinda like a therapist, actually - very much so) - I started writing more. I wrote so much! I even started a novel - I wrote at least 80 pages. I think I have it printed somewhere because I intended to finish it and try to get it published someday. I was in 8th grade when I wrote that. The stories were all so sad and tragic. Then my life suddenly became horrifically sad and tragic. Strangely, I couldn't write about it. I think my writing started to fade after my sister died. I still wrote in my journals, but I couldn't write stories anymore. Reality was too overbearing.

So then I went to college and majored in biology - a story I've repetitively mentioned on here - all because I wanted to know if two women could have babies together biologically and if not, why not. It was a stubborn curiosity that became even more important to me to figure out as I ran into more and more bigoted people who would say "they just can't" or "why do you wanna know - are you a lesbian?" or "you're not a science person". I believe it was stubbornness or that "oh, you don't tell me what I can and cannot do!" that led me so deep into my search that I majored in biology. When I finished college, after my little slip-up at NYU and I started my doctorate program at Pitt, I saw my old teacher on a visit home one time. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was in a doctorate program in molecular, cellular, developmental and biochemical biology at Pitt. He had a baffled look on his face. He was surprised, he said. He had always thought I'd become a writer.

Everyone who knew me at that time was surprised I was becoming a scientist. It's understandable since I did vow after my junior year in high school that I was never gonna take a math or science class again.

I have learned since then that I cannot keep vows that contain the word, "never". It's almost a guarantee that I will have to do whatever I said I would never do. I have had to eat those words way too many times now. Therefore, it's safer for me not to say never! (But I won't say I'll never say never! haha)

Fools

Yesterday was my sister's 39th birthday. Or, rather, would-have been if she had lived past 19.

Friday, January 20th, was my older brother's 36th birthday. He had been dating a girl that he was really into for the past couple of months or so, albeit long-distance - he's in Portland, OR, she's in Orlando, FL. He flew there on Friday to spend a week with her for his birthday. Yesterday, my Mom emailed me to let me know that he was on his way back to Portland with a broken heart.

Feeling foolish.

I cried. Even other people's broken hearts hurt me. Even if I think it's best that the relationship end. I still feel the sadness of the loss.

But especially for my brother - for my family. It just feels like it's not working for us - although he had been married. I haven't had anything of any real significance as far as romantic relationships are concerned. It has all been remedial. I've known high school students who have had longer relationships than I've ever had. Yeah, it makes me feel...behind. Slow. Immature. Inadequate.

And foolish.

Maybe part of the problem has been my idea of what a significant relationship is. Time may not be the proper definer, although it seems to me like it would be a decent correlate - how long would you stay in a bad relationship? The answer for me is 2-2.5 years. Oo how exciting that I have that kind of data. [very sarcastic.]

The foolishness is in the hope and going for the hope with such fortitude. I mean, you kinda have to or why bother at all, right? I'm not sure.

Well, it looks like I may have over-estimated the prospect of me and my friend ever being together. I guess I didn't know what the prospect was but, again, attached myself to some level of hope. Now I'm shaving that attachment again. Like usual.

I often feel foolish when I'm having to detach myself from someone or, rather, some feeling. I guess feeling foolish comes from feeling ashamed. I suppose the shame comes from feeling like a failure. And what is it that failed?

I mean, honestly, why does it make me feel ashamed, like a failure, like a fool for ever thinking maybe...? Intellectually, I know that's ridiculous! Emotionally, I totally feel it... Another disconnect.

Happy Post

I feel like I'm on the verge of the rest of my life.

I guess we're always on that verge.

or maybe we're just there

living it.

I just got back from this amazing, relaxing, absolutely GORGEOUS vacation in Vieques, Puerto Rico! Nothing went wrong - everything, essentially, went right! And now...now I'm back in Oakland...and it feels like things are still going right!

At the same time, I'm terrified of how things might go...and so I feel frozen, unable to do anything. At least, nothing that "rocks the boat". I guess I'll just go with whatever goes. Essentially, I'm feeling a lot of good feelings - some just because I was just in the most beautiful place on Earth with two of my good friends - one of my all-time best friends - and had an incredible vacation so that I'm really quite serene right now. And I'm kinda having some very joyous feelings for a person that I feel like may be having joyous feelings for me, too, but it's kind of an off-limits thing cause she's still dating someone else. Because of that, I feel kinda badly about having these feelings. Like "thaw shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" or whatever, you know? But to me it's not because of some "rule" that God made or something, just that it's not cool, you know? Like would I want that to happen to me? No! Of course not! So that's how I know it's not ok. But it's also happening beyond my control. What I can control is my behavior in response to it, which is easy because I have no choice but to do nothing. That I know. So, in a way, it's perfectly fine to feel this way and maybe I can revel in it a little without feeling too guilty about it, as long as I keep it under wraps, right?

Right. That's hard for me to do. I know me. I tend to give myself away all the time - I wear my feelings on my sleeve. There are no secrets that my body can keep. Essentially, I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel and maybe everyone else does, too. I don't think I'm very good at hiding how I feel about someone - but then again, I've had multiple girlfriends or people I dated that said they didn't know if I was interested in them until I basically outright told them. I find that interesting - maybe I err a bit to the other side when I'm interested in someone, essentially purposefully acting like I'm not interested in them. I don't know. If I've ever done that, it's been completely subconscious. I certainly don't try to mislead others. But I might be scared of rejection. Ok, no, I'm definitely terrified of rejection.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post how I'm feeling right now cause it's just plain good! I want to sit with these good feelings for a little bit - just enjoy them without needing to know where they'll lead. That, again, is unusual for me - I usually feel like I need to do something about my feelings. But here, in this case, I think it's safe to say that I need to do absolutely nothing!

I Was Engaged Once, Too

It's weird to me. The way it's all been panning out. I wouldn't have thought...no, this is nothing like I imagined.

I'm talking about my life.

The thing is - I wonder when it took that turn down the path I didn't know I was taking. Or did I? Maybe I always thought it would be an adventure...

Here, I'll explain a little.

When I was young, I dreamed of growing up, doing whatever it is I wanted to do - like being an artist or musician - then I'd fall in love, get married and start a family. I really thought it was my own idea of what I wanted - I had no notion that it might've been influenced by what "society" wants or what we're taught to want. I genuinely wanted it.

Of course, at some point - in high school, actually - it became clear that I wasn't dreaming of having a husband, but, rather, a wife. Then, of course, I considered that it's not legal for two women to get married in this country (at the time, it was hardly legal anywhere!). Anyway, that's probably the first turn off the path - I thought, well, we don't have to get married - but I did think of it as like a marriage, just without the legal turmoil. Then, the next step - a pretty big step, albeit I thought it was just a curiosity at the time - I majored in biology in college. Momentarily, after college, I tried to come back to becoming a musician - I even started a music technology program at NYU.

Ok, then there were several quick decisions made in succession. First, we (that girlfriend and I) moved from New York City to Pittsburgh, PA. Then, I applied for graduate school at the University of Pittsburgh for molecular, cell, developmental and biochemical biology. Then, well...maybe first should've been that I started dating her even after flaming red flags had blazed in the first week of the relationship. Then I made the choice to go to NYU instead of trying to figure out how I'd be able to go to the schools I got into in England that were more composition-based, anyway, which would've been more what I was interested in pursuing. But I chose New York because I had a girlfriend that couldn't leave the country with me. Maybe that was the big clincher - that girlfriend. Cause she got me into drugs which was one of the main reasons for us to leave New York (not to mention the cost of living).

Anyway, after we moved, she cheated on me several times and after the second time (maybe?) she said she was so sorry that she went out and bought an engagement ring and proposed to me. I was 23 and she was 19. It did not feel real or genuine - but I still said yes. I mean, I had no idea what to say or do, let alone what to feel. I was so hurt and so sad...I wanted the pain to go away and what she was offering was what I'd always wanted...so I went for it. [This is a classic example of codependent behavior. I was the most codependent I've ever been while dating her. And it was the longest relationship I've ever had - 2.5 years. I'm still trying to fix the me that dated her. We broke up over ten years ago.]

We were living at my parents' house that summer and my Mom saw me wearing the ring and asked if it was an engagement ring. I said yes it was. So she threw a little party (well, just gathered the family) with a cake and everything. It wasn't at all the way I dreamed it would be. It felt so gross to be playing this part that...that came from hurt, not love. I think I even cried afterwards.

The reason for this whole thought was because another ex of mine got engaged to her trans-boyfriend recently (posted on facebook yesterday, I think). It's not that I want to marry her. (We were chemically incompatible - I got rashes!) It's just...well, I think I give off some sort of romance repellant... Anyway, I was just about to give an inventory of my ex-girlfriends and see who's married, engaged, etc. But forget it. It's just sad. Yeah, some have gotten married, had kids, etc. And I don't talk to the others - well, I don't really talk to any of them. I always find that to be the strangest part of romantic relationships - how you can be so, so very intimate with someone...and then WOOSH! It's all gone upon someone's changing feelings. It always feels like the floor dropping out from underneath me. Is that codependency? Or is that normal grief? I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm not sure about all of these things anymore - if I'm ever gonna have that kind of long-lasting relationship, if I'll raise children, if I'll ever become that musician/artist that I dreamt of becoming... Well, we'll see.

Recognizing Progress

So I still don't have a sponsor through my CoDA (Codependent's Anonymous) program. And I've been going through some codependant challenges lately, so it would be nice to have a sponsor. But there's not a whole lot I can do about that at the moment, so I'm trying to be a sponsor to myself (although that pretty much is contradictory to the concept.) Again, though, I feel like I can't just let myself become a blubbering codependent fool just cause I don't have a sponsor - that's worse.

I thought I'd share this because sometimes in life we have no choice but to take care of ourselves, by ourselves. Doing that can be really challenging for some codependents, while it's the manifestation of other codependent's codependent issues. For me, I generally try to take care of myself but have an intense desire to be taken care of by others but don't know exactly how to go about it, either way. I tend to end up in some sort of denial or blistering ball of tears or self-destruction. In any case, I'm still trying to figure out the best way to deal with my hard feelings.

I've been out of one of my anti-depressants since Saturday. Or Sunday - does it matter? It's been at least three days. Normally it might not have much of an effect on me yet except that there are other triggers going on that are making it harder for me to stay emotionally stable. I hate to admit that I'm not emotionally stable on my own. That feels shameful to me. But, ok, I hear my former therapist saying to take the shame out of it. Ok, no shame - it just is the way it is.

Well, here's what happened: I've been feeling good, having made a new, good friend. I'm thrilled about it, but I'm not used to it. I'm not used to having an emotional/mental intimacy with someone that I'm not also trying to have physical intimacy. They have gone together for so long for me that having them separate clearly triggers something in me. In any case, I need this intimacy! Or maybe - I really, really want it! But it's off-limits to the physical intimacy and that's probably for the best, anyway, seeing as I think there's something related to why I tend to sabotage my relationships here. I mean, I could feel myself edging towards sabotage recently - like last night.

I like my friend and I like her girlfriend - they are an adorable, beautiful couple. They are the same age and have a lot in common, at least superficially, but I'm sure more than I know, otherwise. I'm nine years older than they are, although my friend is quite mature for her age and I may be somewhat immature (or just very young at heart). I feel for her girlfriend because we spent several evenings in a row together last week and it could've appeared to others like we're dating - I know how hard that can be for a girlfriend. I've been that girlfriend before. I've also been cheated on. It's extremely hard to have the self-awareness and ability to rise above the feelings of insecurity and possible jealousy that arise from having your significant other spend a significant amount of time and/or intimacy with someone else, even without any accompanying physical intimacy. So anyway, I have sympathy for my friend's girlfriend because I would honestly have a hard time if I were in her shoes. I have expressed my gratitude towards her, but at the same time I have found myself having those physical desires. And I could feel myself feeling that all-too-familar feeling of wanting more from someone else who's already giving me quite a lot (my new, good friend).

I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the feelings and for taking the time to re-evaluate - to work through the feelings! I decided to stay in last night (instead of going over to their apartment, which I was invited to do because I was having a rough day/evening - something that shows her friendship, yet again). I cried it out a little then set myself up in the bath. I smoked a bowl and had a beer while I sat in the bath and really thought about it.

I remembered that I've been focusing too much on others again and not enough on myself, which easily explains the discomfort and the erratic feelings of self-worth that I've been having recently. It's ok that I'm still single - it's because I have things I am working on and need to work on prior to starting anything again. And I realized, this desire for more comes from not focusing on myself - I want more from others when I give myself less. So I need to re-focus on myself when I find myself feeling like I need more from someone else - meet my own needs. I need to feel loved. So I need to love myself.

A friend told me over the summer that she sees loving herself as doing the things that she loves to do - or giving herself what she loves. I find this to be a great way to actively love myself because otherwise it seems too enigmatic - like what does it mean to feel loved by yourself? Cause I already intellectually love myself - everything about me is that I almost always know what I'm "supposed" to feel or do, it's just that I don't completely feel those things. My former therapist said that "the longest road is from your head to your heart". I completely embody that statement. It's why I could always "trick" my therapists into thinking I'm perfectly healthy. I know what to say, how a healthy person would feel, etc etc. I just didn't feel it - at least not completely. [At some point, I figured out that it wasn't helpful for me to "trick" my therapists...that if I actually wanted to improve, I needed to be as honest as possible...so no worries - I'm always honest, now!]

Anyway, so taking that bath was loving myself. Calling my doctor to get a few extra pills while I wait for my prescription refill to be delivered is loving myself. Writing this post to remind myself what I did right is loving myself. Letting myself cry when I feel it - no matter where - is loving myself.

I'm progressing. Recognizing that is loving myself.

"Never Take Anything Personally"

So a friend of mine showed me a book the other day (well, technically I just saw it in her car and looked at it.) It's called, The Four Agreements, and it's about this guy who had a near-death experience (which caught my eye cause I'm really interested in these) who has a profound spiritual awakening because of it (which is typical for experiencers) and made these four agreements - like promises to himself on how to live his life based on what he realized about life and reality and after-life, etc. (that it's really about loving more and better).

Anyway, I can only remember two of the four agreements at the moment. One I've got down fairly well - already have been trying to live it since I can remember - to keep "your word impeccable". I like to think that, for the most part, my word is as solid as it can be - if I say I'm going to do something, you bet I'm gonna do it, etc. This has been a huge deal to me - I guess I see it as reliability and if you can't be reliable, then everything about you can be doubted and nothing that you say is solid or sacred or real and you could easily be ignored. (Interesting that I use that language - does this value of mine stem from feelings of being ignored or abandoned when I was growing up? Hmmm...) Anyway, so ok, check that. It's the other agreement that I'm ruminating over right now: "Never take anything personally."

Never? ANYTHING? Oy vey - so basically the goal is to never think that someone else's choices, feelings, opinions, etc. etc. is about me or something being wrong with me?!? Whoa. That's like the reverse of all the feelings I've ever had in my life. (Ok, so that's a bit dramatic, but I have, sadly, spent many, many, many hours/days/months/years deriving my feelings of self-worth from others so that sentence is not far off from the truth.) I mean, in CoDA (codependant's anonymous), we talk about re-directing our  feelings of self-worth from ourselves instead of others, but we don't explicitly say to "never take anything personally".

My initial feeling about that agreement or promise is that I doubt I can do it. Then my next feeling is - is it even possible? Or even right/correct? Then I think about one of my best buddies. He comes across as a very happy, jolly-go-lucky, sweet, loving and fun guy - very charismatic! Most people are drawn to him (my belief is that the people that aren't drawn to him or who are even "repelled" by him have serious issues to deal with cause he's seriously one of the nicest, sweetest, funnest people I've ever met. And so non-judgmental. He's just one of those types of people you can't imagine why anyone would ever not adore!). I think about the way he lives his life - he doesn't seem to take anything personally! Even if people act kinda rude to him or their actions could be seen as not terribly kind, etc., he either ignores it or he just seems to pretend they aren't being rude/unkind, etc. It's like he's decided everyone has good intentions towards him unless explicity said otherwise and then he just ignores them and continues with his life without missing a step. I mean, this is how it appears on the outside. I know for a fact that things affect him, but even then they don't affect him to the same degree that they affect others and to the same negative outcome. I don't mean to imply it's easy for him - I also know he works hard to feel good about himself by himself. I know he gets down, I know that repetitive downtrodding on him will get him down - but he really is amazingly strong. He has an uncanny ability to rise above it all. I've always admired this about him. And to be truly honest, I've been jealous of him for this and for the fact that he's so well-adored to the degree that sometimes it can be over-shadowing to others. But I realize that's not his issue - it's mine. I'm the one that has the problem with letting things go. And letting other people think shitty things about me and not get all wrapped up in it as if it really means I'm a shitty person. These things are hard for me, and for most people.

But I know how to work hard, so I know I can do it - I can work hard to never take anything personally. That's my new goal (well, an addition to other goals I have such as being an "all-loving being" - I actually think this fits perfectly under the umbrella of that overall goal). It's a lofty goal cause I know how hard it's going to be for me. It's going to take a lot of stopping and thinking about my immediate reactions/feelings to adversity - then re-directing those feelings into something else such as love for the other.

But I'm up for it. Why not, right? What else is there to do, feel like shit? Yeah, I've already done that. Done with it. Now it's time to feel good.

First Challenge

Ok, so my self-imposed 6 month stay on dating is about to be lifted (December 8th, I guess? I don't know why I chose that date...) Thus, I will be self-allowed to date if I so desire.

I've definitely been feeling the weight of my solitude lately - not due to loneliness (I'm doing better on that front), but more due to feeling a need for physical affection. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to date anyone, though. Mostly, I know I'm not ready to have my heart crushed again and I feel like I need to be ready for that if I'm going to put it out there. Also, I promised myself I wouldn't date again until I stopped finding myself attracted to unavailable people (or found myself attracted to available people). Clearly, that has not happened, either.

There's no pressure, of course. It's not like I have a ton of ladies knocking down my door (as I kinda thought would happen when I moved to the bay area six years ago...sadly, it did not happen.) I mean, not even one. Or if there is one or many that are interested, I'm not very aware of it. Except for one. But she's not available. And it is a little strange that I know that she's at least somewhat interested. And equally unnerving is that I am at least somewhat interested, too. But she's not available - and not just in that "emotionally unavailable" wishy washy shit, I mean she's dating someone else. The last thing I want to do is fuck up someone else's relationship. Well, that might not be the last thing I want to do, but it's certainly not up there on my list of things I want to do.

I like to pride myself on not usually being attracted to people who are in relationships already, or people who would never date someone like me (whether they're straight or just not into the more masculine type of lesbian). I think the key is that I'm not attracted to people that aren't attracted to me, but as soon as they show some sort of interest, all of the other parameters no longer affect my feelings. Again, is this because of my need to be loved due to a lack of self-love? My abandonment issues? Well, my abandonment issues do get triggered when someone likes me at one point then turns around and dislikes me at another, especially if I can't figure out what happened to make their feelings change. I know I've gone through this before in previous posts - yes, people have the right to and will change their feelings for whatever reasons or non-reasons that they feel and I don't have the right to know or do anything about it. Again, hence not feeling up for that unpredictability.

The dilemma is that I am itching for affection...like I can feel my insides itching. And I find myself attracted to someone that is a dangerous person to be attracted to (because if it went anywhere right now it would definitely turn into drama.) Not to mention, if she were available, would I be as attracted to her? I'd like to think, yes, but then I don't know what the truth is in that regard. I mean, I'd like to think I'm not attracted to her because she's unavailable! Sheesh - then I should be attracted to half the world! or 90% or something, right? And that's sooo not true - I'm usually not attracted to anybody! My attractions are more rare - few and far between.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this since it's my first challenge to my dating block. Well, in that there's someone I'm sort of interested in dating but cannot date. I'm sure it'll pass and I'll be back to cooler weather on the inside. And there's nothing insignificant about friendships. I'm very grateful for that. I'm also grateful for my CoDA meeting tonight. They'll understand how I'm feeling, I'm sure! (and if they don't, they can't respond to my "share" so...I'll just pretend that they do.)