My Heart Heaves for Her

I miss my dog so much right now. She died in my arms this past Wednesday morning at 8:52 am. We were able to do it at my house - there's an in-home pet euthanasia service that is available 24/7 in the Portland, Salem, and Vancouver, WA, areas. I called them when her breathing continued to be >30 bpm even after I gave her the meds - twice! So called and they came over a couple of hours later (so it's not like an ambulance - but it's still very quick, considering!).

Anyway, that's the gist of her death. It hurts too much to think about those last few hours or even days. But it really only happened in a few days - before that she was pretty good, still not great, but the level I wasn't sure if she was not eating enough - she seemed to be eating and then less and less, slowly, then altogether. But I don't want to talk about that.

I want to talk about how I miss her and it's hard to not feel her in my room with me, feed her breakfast, take her out to go to the bathroom, bring her back, etc. I wasn't walking her as much anymore, but I miss when we took walks together. Everywhere. I miss spending time with her. I've missed it for awhile because we couldn't walk together anymore - I was getting her a wheelchair. [I still need to cancel that order!]

The hardest part of grieving right now is my guilt. It feels like the sadness is intertwined with guilt that I didn't do enough or that she was in pain for longer than she needed to be and I should've taken her to the vet sooner and made sure she wasn't in pain. The guilt keeps the sadness weighted down so that if it tries to lift, it is quickly shoved back down again. I have to consciously tell myself to stop feeling guilty or at least try to reconsider that the guilt that I feel is my deeply saddened expression of love. I am a wonderful mom to my fur-babies; I need to remember that. I am also imperfect, and I make mistakes, but I try to do everything in my power and ability to make their lives happy and wonderful - and give them my unconditional love (as they give me theirs). Everyone tells me this - my parents, friends, brothers, etc. - so I should believe that my fur-babies feel it from me. According to the pet psychic (who I talked to after my cat, Bates, died three years ago), Letia knew/knows how much I love her! And she wanted to make sure I knew how much she loved/loves me, too! It was so cute!

Letia is my soulmate-dog. She was a gift from my sister (I found her on the 10 yr anniversary to the day of my sister's death), and she was the most loyal, loving, and well-behaved dog I have ever met. There was a period in her life when she was teething, so she chewed through a bunch of my stuff, including my journal. Luckily, she only destroyed the canvas-cover of the journal, none of the pages, so I just wrote on it: "Jen's Journal, as revealed by Letia, Super-chewing Dog!" I remember that I was a bit upset at first, but then I looked at Letia and realized that she was just being a teething dog, so I can't really get mad at her for that. So I had to learn to let it go and remember that it's just a "thing" and my sweet dog is worth more than a "thing." Thus, Letia taught me how to let go (or I started learning how to do it with her).

I am utterly sad. My heart sinks low in my body cavity, while my throat feels clogged with stones. I can feel her absence everywhere I go. I am trying to feel the world without her in it and it feels lonely and abandoning. It reminds me of the feeling I would get when I was a kid and I would be homesick - maybe I'd be overnight at a friend's house, or maybe I'd be at sleep-away camp. I don't know where that feeling came from at that time, but it was such a harrowing feeling, like nothing exists or I will never feel safe and loved again. I've been feeling it again lately.

Sometimes it actually feels good to feel like nothing exists - or at least all that exists is what nothing is. I enjoy reading science books when I'm feeling weighted down with emotion, especially hard emotions. I especially like to read about quantum physics and the nature of spacetime, etc. This may be why I'm pretty knowledgable about these things - a way to feel less pain by not reading anything emotional (so I wouldn't be reading science books about climate change or nuclear weapons/war). I like the brain and consciousness and I like cosmology and quantum and theoretical physics. And this all is how I came to my "theory of everything" or "series of theories that provide a framework for a theory of everything".

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I went to the zoo today with my 18 month old nephew and his parents (my brother and his fiancé). It was a really good distraction for me. Even though many of the animals were elsewhere for the winter (we assumed), it was still a lot of fun - just to be with Misha and everyone was happy and enjoying our time together! I suppose that's the meaning of life - enjoying each other's time together here. Well, that's one meaning for life...I think there are many and individual ones, too.

Sometimes I feel like I can't wait to die because then I get to be with all these beings that I've lost and I miss so much! But then I realize that I'd miss a bunch of other beings that I love, too, who are here. Although...well, some theories suggest that, since there is no time in the other realm, the "bordo", or inbetween place ("life between lives"), so you are actually there as well as here at the same time, just that you don't experience that here. In any case, I miss them so much and sometimes I just can't wait to see them and be with them again!

I have promised many people and doctors that I will never purposefully try to end my life - at least not while if I'm still sane. I figure the only way it would happen is if I were to lose my sense of self, etc., and if I were off the rocker, I cannot guarantee anything that I will or will not do at that time. However, I do think it's equally likely that my insanity would also allow me to forget everything about myself, including the reasons I would be eager to leave this world, thus not even eager to die.

They had stuffed animals at the gift shop at the zoo. There was a deal - if you bought one it was $20, but it was only $30 for two! So I got two! One is an orangutan and one is an otter. They are cute. I need to hold some furry things while I'm in bed because I have no one to hold except sometimes my cat will let me hold him (as long as I'm petting him). I think it will help me sleep better.