Happy Post

I feel like I'm on the verge of the rest of my life.

I guess we're always on that verge.

or maybe we're just there

living it.

I just got back from this amazing, relaxing, absolutely GORGEOUS vacation in Vieques, Puerto Rico! Nothing went wrong - everything, essentially, went right! And now...now I'm back in Oakland...and it feels like things are still going right!

At the same time, I'm terrified of how things might go...and so I feel frozen, unable to do anything. At least, nothing that "rocks the boat". I guess I'll just go with whatever goes. Essentially, I'm feeling a lot of good feelings - some just because I was just in the most beautiful place on Earth with two of my good friends - one of my all-time best friends - and had an incredible vacation so that I'm really quite serene right now. And I'm kinda having some very joyous feelings for a person that I feel like may be having joyous feelings for me, too, but it's kind of an off-limits thing cause she's still dating someone else. Because of that, I feel kinda badly about having these feelings. Like "thaw shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" or whatever, you know? But to me it's not because of some "rule" that God made or something, just that it's not cool, you know? Like would I want that to happen to me? No! Of course not! So that's how I know it's not ok. But it's also happening beyond my control. What I can control is my behavior in response to it, which is easy because I have no choice but to do nothing. That I know. So, in a way, it's perfectly fine to feel this way and maybe I can revel in it a little without feeling too guilty about it, as long as I keep it under wraps, right?

Right. That's hard for me to do. I know me. I tend to give myself away all the time - I wear my feelings on my sleeve. There are no secrets that my body can keep. Essentially, I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel and maybe everyone else does, too. I don't think I'm very good at hiding how I feel about someone - but then again, I've had multiple girlfriends or people I dated that said they didn't know if I was interested in them until I basically outright told them. I find that interesting - maybe I err a bit to the other side when I'm interested in someone, essentially purposefully acting like I'm not interested in them. I don't know. If I've ever done that, it's been completely subconscious. I certainly don't try to mislead others. But I might be scared of rejection. Ok, no, I'm definitely terrified of rejection.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post how I'm feeling right now cause it's just plain good! I want to sit with these good feelings for a little bit - just enjoy them without needing to know where they'll lead. That, again, is unusual for me - I usually feel like I need to do something about my feelings. But here, in this case, I think it's safe to say that I need to do absolutely nothing!