I Was Engaged Once, Too

It's weird to me. The way it's all been panning out. I wouldn't have thought...no, this is nothing like I imagined.

I'm talking about my life.

The thing is - I wonder when it took that turn down the path I didn't know I was taking. Or did I? Maybe I always thought it would be an adventure...

Here, I'll explain a little.

When I was young, I dreamed of growing up, doing whatever it is I wanted to do - like being an artist or musician - then I'd fall in love, get married and start a family. I really thought it was my own idea of what I wanted - I had no notion that it might've been influenced by what "society" wants or what we're taught to want. I genuinely wanted it.

Of course, at some point - in high school, actually - it became clear that I wasn't dreaming of having a husband, but, rather, a wife. Then, of course, I considered that it's not legal for two women to get married in this country (at the time, it was hardly legal anywhere!). Anyway, that's probably the first turn off the path - I thought, well, we don't have to get married - but I did think of it as like a marriage, just without the legal turmoil. Then, the next step - a pretty big step, albeit I thought it was just a curiosity at the time - I majored in biology in college. Momentarily, after college, I tried to come back to becoming a musician - I even started a music technology program at NYU.

Ok, then there were several quick decisions made in succession. First, we (that girlfriend and I) moved from New York City to Pittsburgh, PA. Then, I applied for graduate school at the University of Pittsburgh for molecular, cell, developmental and biochemical biology. Then, well...maybe first should've been that I started dating her even after flaming red flags had blazed in the first week of the relationship. Then I made the choice to go to NYU instead of trying to figure out how I'd be able to go to the schools I got into in England that were more composition-based, anyway, which would've been more what I was interested in pursuing. But I chose New York because I had a girlfriend that couldn't leave the country with me. Maybe that was the big clincher - that girlfriend. Cause she got me into drugs which was one of the main reasons for us to leave New York (not to mention the cost of living).

Anyway, after we moved, she cheated on me several times and after the second time (maybe?) she said she was so sorry that she went out and bought an engagement ring and proposed to me. I was 23 and she was 19. It did not feel real or genuine - but I still said yes. I mean, I had no idea what to say or do, let alone what to feel. I was so hurt and so sad...I wanted the pain to go away and what she was offering was what I'd always wanted...so I went for it. [This is a classic example of codependent behavior. I was the most codependent I've ever been while dating her. And it was the longest relationship I've ever had - 2.5 years. I'm still trying to fix the me that dated her. We broke up over ten years ago.]

We were living at my parents' house that summer and my Mom saw me wearing the ring and asked if it was an engagement ring. I said yes it was. So she threw a little party (well, just gathered the family) with a cake and everything. It wasn't at all the way I dreamed it would be. It felt so gross to be playing this part that...that came from hurt, not love. I think I even cried afterwards.

The reason for this whole thought was because another ex of mine got engaged to her trans-boyfriend recently (posted on facebook yesterday, I think). It's not that I want to marry her. (We were chemically incompatible - I got rashes!) It's just...well, I think I give off some sort of romance repellant... Anyway, I was just about to give an inventory of my ex-girlfriends and see who's married, engaged, etc. But forget it. It's just sad. Yeah, some have gotten married, had kids, etc. And I don't talk to the others - well, I don't really talk to any of them. I always find that to be the strangest part of romantic relationships - how you can be so, so very intimate with someone...and then WOOSH! It's all gone upon someone's changing feelings. It always feels like the floor dropping out from underneath me. Is that codependency? Or is that normal grief? I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm not sure about all of these things anymore - if I'm ever gonna have that kind of long-lasting relationship, if I'll raise children, if I'll ever become that musician/artist that I dreamt of becoming... Well, we'll see.