Fools

Yesterday was my sister's 39th birthday. Or, rather, would-have been if she had lived past 19.

Friday, January 20th, was my older brother's 36th birthday. He had been dating a girl that he was really into for the past couple of months or so, albeit long-distance - he's in Portland, OR, she's in Orlando, FL. He flew there on Friday to spend a week with her for his birthday. Yesterday, my Mom emailed me to let me know that he was on his way back to Portland with a broken heart.

Feeling foolish.

I cried. Even other people's broken hearts hurt me. Even if I think it's best that the relationship end. I still feel the sadness of the loss.

But especially for my brother - for my family. It just feels like it's not working for us - although he had been married. I haven't had anything of any real significance as far as romantic relationships are concerned. It has all been remedial. I've known high school students who have had longer relationships than I've ever had. Yeah, it makes me feel...behind. Slow. Immature. Inadequate.

And foolish.

Maybe part of the problem has been my idea of what a significant relationship is. Time may not be the proper definer, although it seems to me like it would be a decent correlate - how long would you stay in a bad relationship? The answer for me is 2-2.5 years. Oo how exciting that I have that kind of data. [very sarcastic.]

The foolishness is in the hope and going for the hope with such fortitude. I mean, you kinda have to or why bother at all, right? I'm not sure.

Well, it looks like I may have over-estimated the prospect of me and my friend ever being together. I guess I didn't know what the prospect was but, again, attached myself to some level of hope. Now I'm shaving that attachment again. Like usual.

I often feel foolish when I'm having to detach myself from someone or, rather, some feeling. I guess feeling foolish comes from feeling ashamed. I suppose the shame comes from feeling like a failure. And what is it that failed?

I mean, honestly, why does it make me feel ashamed, like a failure, like a fool for ever thinking maybe...? Intellectually, I know that's ridiculous! Emotionally, I totally feel it... Another disconnect.