I'm "too much". [ex-girlfriends]
I need to "focus". [bosses]
I'm looking for "too serious" of a relationship. (as in - I want too much from them). [girls I date or want to date]
When am I gonna be just right?
It seems to me like when one figures out what their life's purpose is and goes for it - or at least starts towards it - then things start to fit into place. I'm sure this has to do with the overall purpose or structure that one had planned out for their life during the "inbetween" lifetimes period, but what's strange to me is how when you're not heading towards that purpose or goal, life just seems to unravel, doors close, and you are miserable, thus not attracting people but repelling them instead. That pretty much describes my life so far.
My life unravels periodically, almost like clockwork. In college, it was by the end of each semester - of course, this is probably not terribly unusual seeing as everything comes to a head by the end of the semester - with finals and what not. Since then, the periodicity has lengthened. It's more like a 2-4 year cycle for me now. There are actually quite a few parallels between my work and my relationships - in fact, this may be a significant realization here: In both my work life and my personal relationship life I have had the pattern that people are often very excited to know me at first - they really like me before they know me that well. So this must be a superficial conclusion on their part, filling in the blanks with their own fantasies of who I am. But once the reality of who I am becomes apparent, and their fantasies are thus destroyed, they no longer like me. Then they tell me stuff like that I'm "too much" or that I need to "focus more". But really, what they mean when they say that I'm "too much" is that I'm more than they expected - maybe this leads to them feeling like they must not be enough, thus making them feel inadequate and subsequently defensive. And when they say that I need to "focus more", maybe what they really mean is that they didn't expect me to work the way I do, they don't understand it and they want me to do it their way, not mine. Hmm. Yes, I think I'm figuring this out.
This song reminds me that it's common for people to fill in the blanks before they get to know you, and that maybe the reason they like you is because they don't know you:
This song reminds me that it's common for people to fill in the blanks before they get to know you, and that maybe the reason they like you is because they don't know you:
If I want to be happy, to let the doors of opportunity swing open, to attract people that are like me, then it's apparent to me now that I need to figure out what my purpose is - as soon as possible. Then I need to make a plan for how to accomplish it. I'm beginning to understand that this is not really a choice at all - kind of like being gay. I can either choose to ignore it (my purpose or even searching for it) and be miserable or I can choose to accept it, embrace it and allow myself the opportunity to have the happiest, most fulfilling life I can by being my most genuine, authentic self.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who I hadn't talked to in maybe a month or so. She told me the most inspiring story - her own story of what she's been up to over the past month or so - about how she took a leave of absence from graduate school (she had just begun her last semester or so of a doctoral program on equity in education or something to that effect) so she can go to Israel and study the Torah in preparation of becoming a Rabbi. Apparently, she had read a journal entry that she wrote about a decade ago that said the only real thing that is holding her back from becoming a Rabbi is fear. I guess reading that for her was like a wake-up call - that she was not doing what she was "called" to do solely based out of fear. In fact, after she took the initial steps - taking a leave of absence - things started to just fall into place: one person gave her the money to go to Israel, another person got her into some program to study the Torah there, etc. Basically, what she was telling me is that before she figured this out and started in earnest to attain this goal, doors were shutting all over the place in her life, things seemed to be unraveling for her, but once she made these changes, everything started to work out - doors opened, as if the universe said, finally!, and paved the way for her.
Honestly, science was always just a curiosity of mine. I'm a very curious person. Both of my parents have doctorates in sciences, albeit my mother is a clinical psychologist, so it's not really very similar at all to what I do, but my father was a physicist at Xerox for 30 years which is similar (in the sense that scientific research was how he made a living, too). In any case, I knew how to accomplish those goals - I had role models. But I don't know how to become an artist, musician or writer. As I've mentioned in other posts, I did try to do the musician thing, but I think I made some bad choices - choosing NYU instead of the schools in England that I got into for a graduate program in electronic music (or "Music Technology" at NYU). I don't know how to make enough money doing those things. I also felt like I never wanted to make my art or music into a "product" - really, I suppose, I've never seen anything that I create as a "product". Apparently, though, our capitalist society is based on selling something - products or services (and one could consider their service a product, so really it's all about selling a product). Therefore, in order to survive, one must sell their product. The problem with this is that often the product gets altered in order to sell it, which usually negates the whole reason why the product was created in the first place. It's a bit of a catch-22. So my earlier choice of going for something I don't care as much about - science - instead of something that I put my heart and soul into - art/music/writing - was based on my fear that if I went for what I love so dearly, the whole business of trying to make a living doing it would destroy it for me. The other half of that fear is that I would not be able to survive doing what I love, the way that feels true and right to me. I thought that I could be a scientist and do art and music and write on the side - in my "spare" time. The problem is that there's no spare time and when I make spare time, I lose my competitiveness in my career and thus, end up not being able to make it in science, either! And that's what I've been doing - I periodically try to have a "life" outside of the lab, but once I do that I basically sign my own pink slip.
Scientists write about the need for "work-life balance" all the time. They realize there's a problem, but still nothing changes. It cannot change until everyone in the entire field (or fields) of science chills the fuck out and stops working so goddamn much. But that's not gonna happen. The bottom line is that there's always going to be at least some scientists working 24-7 schedules so that they can get the results they need to publish in order to get the grant money in order to survive. It's a vicious cycle. The other option is just to be plain lucky and cut-throat - like Watson and Crick. They are two English chemists that saw Rosalind Franklin's X-ray diffraction pattern of DNA and realized it was a double helix. From that, they came up with the now-famous model of the DNA base-pairing that explains the mechanism of replication as well as a heritable code for the makeup of the cell and organism - thus finding the "genetic material". They scooped Rosalind Franklin, then she died and they received the Nobel Prize for discovering that DNA is the genetic material while she didn't (because they don't award it posthumously). At this point, most biologists know who she is, but the canonical base-pairing is still called "Watson-Crick base-pairing". There are a gazillion examples of scientists doing this to each other. Unfortunately, it's the way science is funded that leads to this secret, back-stabbing, cut-throat, bullshit way of uncovering knowledge. My issue is that I see knowledge as something no one can own and, thus, is fair for everyone to share - the quest to uncover knowledge is best done in collaboration, where everything is out in the open and everyone's concern is just for the increase of knowledge - not to be the "owner" of that knowledge, like it's a collector's item or something. I know I'm being idealistic here. That's not the way it works in modern society.
So here we are, back at the beginning. What am I meant for? I think if I answer this question and head for that answer, then maybe the other question that I've been pondering for so long, "who am I meant for?" or "who is meant for me?", will be answered. I just have a feeling that's how it's gonna work.
I think I'm meant to be a writer as my main profession, then I could actually have the time to do art and music in my spare time, as well. I think I was meant to earn my doctorate in some science - molecular biology is what it turned out to be - so that I could come to my spiritual awakening this year as I have done. I think I'm supposed to write the book or textbook on it, as well, in collaboration with the other scientists that I've referenced throughout my blog posts on my theory of everything. I think I needed to get my doctorate and publish my own peer-reviewed, primary scientific research in order to earn the other scientists' respect so they are more likely to take me seriously, to truly consider my ideas. The issue I need to reconcile is how to make the change from what I'm doing now to being a full-time writer. I also need to believe I can do it, and diminish my fears that I won't be able to survive at it.
My favorite teacher, Mr.Dalton, was my middle school English teacher. He helped me in more ways than just inspiring me to write - but he did that, for sure. I wrote a story that I wanted to submit to my school's literary magazine and I gave it to him to read so he might help me edit it before submitting. After he read it, he asked if we could meet to talk. I didn't realize it at the time but I guess what I wrote was a huge red flag for a teacher to read! I was depressed, as was the usual for me, and the story was really dark and sad. It was probably a semi-autobiographical story (as most of them are) although I don't remember the details except I know that the first-person persona in the story was crying or something at some point, if not as the main storyline. I honestly cannot remember. In any case, my teacher asked me how I was doing in general. He showed an interest in my well-being. I love that man so much. He is the only man I've ever thought if I could be with a man, I'd want him to be Mr.Dalton (not literally since he's probably 35 years older than me). In any case, after we started meeting - which became a frequent thing, I think like once a week (he was kinda like a therapist, actually - very much so) - I started writing more. I wrote so much! I even started a novel - I wrote at least 80 pages. I think I have it printed somewhere because I intended to finish it and try to get it published someday. I was in 8th grade when I wrote that. The stories were all so sad and tragic. Then my life suddenly became horrifically sad and tragic. Strangely, I couldn't write about it. I think my writing started to fade after my sister died. I still wrote in my journals, but I couldn't write stories anymore. Reality was too overbearing.
So then I went to college and majored in biology - a story I've repetitively mentioned on here - all because I wanted to know if two women could have babies together biologically and if not, why not. It was a stubborn curiosity that became even more important to me to figure out as I ran into more and more bigoted people who would say "they just can't" or "why do you wanna know - are you a lesbian?" or "you're not a science person". I believe it was stubbornness or that "oh, you don't tell me what I can and cannot do!" that led me so deep into my search that I majored in biology. When I finished college, after my little slip-up at NYU and I started my doctorate program at Pitt, I saw my old teacher on a visit home one time. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was in a doctorate program in molecular, cellular, developmental and biochemical biology at Pitt. He had a baffled look on his face. He was surprised, he said. He had always thought I'd become a writer.
Everyone who knew me at that time was surprised I was becoming a scientist. It's understandable since I did vow after my junior year in high school that I was never gonna take a math or science class again.
I have learned since then that I cannot keep vows that contain the word, "never". It's almost a guarantee that I will have to do whatever I said I would never do. I have had to eat those words way too many times now. Therefore, it's safer for me not to say never! (But I won't say I'll never say never! haha)
Honestly, science was always just a curiosity of mine. I'm a very curious person. Both of my parents have doctorates in sciences, albeit my mother is a clinical psychologist, so it's not really very similar at all to what I do, but my father was a physicist at Xerox for 30 years which is similar (in the sense that scientific research was how he made a living, too). In any case, I knew how to accomplish those goals - I had role models. But I don't know how to become an artist, musician or writer. As I've mentioned in other posts, I did try to do the musician thing, but I think I made some bad choices - choosing NYU instead of the schools in England that I got into for a graduate program in electronic music (or "Music Technology" at NYU). I don't know how to make enough money doing those things. I also felt like I never wanted to make my art or music into a "product" - really, I suppose, I've never seen anything that I create as a "product". Apparently, though, our capitalist society is based on selling something - products or services (and one could consider their service a product, so really it's all about selling a product). Therefore, in order to survive, one must sell their product. The problem with this is that often the product gets altered in order to sell it, which usually negates the whole reason why the product was created in the first place. It's a bit of a catch-22. So my earlier choice of going for something I don't care as much about - science - instead of something that I put my heart and soul into - art/music/writing - was based on my fear that if I went for what I love so dearly, the whole business of trying to make a living doing it would destroy it for me. The other half of that fear is that I would not be able to survive doing what I love, the way that feels true and right to me. I thought that I could be a scientist and do art and music and write on the side - in my "spare" time. The problem is that there's no spare time and when I make spare time, I lose my competitiveness in my career and thus, end up not being able to make it in science, either! And that's what I've been doing - I periodically try to have a "life" outside of the lab, but once I do that I basically sign my own pink slip.
Scientists write about the need for "work-life balance" all the time. They realize there's a problem, but still nothing changes. It cannot change until everyone in the entire field (or fields) of science chills the fuck out and stops working so goddamn much. But that's not gonna happen. The bottom line is that there's always going to be at least some scientists working 24-7 schedules so that they can get the results they need to publish in order to get the grant money in order to survive. It's a vicious cycle. The other option is just to be plain lucky and cut-throat - like Watson and Crick. They are two English chemists that saw Rosalind Franklin's X-ray diffraction pattern of DNA and realized it was a double helix. From that, they came up with the now-famous model of the DNA base-pairing that explains the mechanism of replication as well as a heritable code for the makeup of the cell and organism - thus finding the "genetic material". They scooped Rosalind Franklin, then she died and they received the Nobel Prize for discovering that DNA is the genetic material while she didn't (because they don't award it posthumously). At this point, most biologists know who she is, but the canonical base-pairing is still called "Watson-Crick base-pairing". There are a gazillion examples of scientists doing this to each other. Unfortunately, it's the way science is funded that leads to this secret, back-stabbing, cut-throat, bullshit way of uncovering knowledge. My issue is that I see knowledge as something no one can own and, thus, is fair for everyone to share - the quest to uncover knowledge is best done in collaboration, where everything is out in the open and everyone's concern is just for the increase of knowledge - not to be the "owner" of that knowledge, like it's a collector's item or something. I know I'm being idealistic here. That's not the way it works in modern society.
So here we are, back at the beginning. What am I meant for? I think if I answer this question and head for that answer, then maybe the other question that I've been pondering for so long, "who am I meant for?" or "who is meant for me?", will be answered. I just have a feeling that's how it's gonna work.
I think I'm meant to be a writer as my main profession, then I could actually have the time to do art and music in my spare time, as well. I think I was meant to earn my doctorate in some science - molecular biology is what it turned out to be - so that I could come to my spiritual awakening this year as I have done. I think I'm supposed to write the book or textbook on it, as well, in collaboration with the other scientists that I've referenced throughout my blog posts on my theory of everything. I think I needed to get my doctorate and publish my own peer-reviewed, primary scientific research in order to earn the other scientists' respect so they are more likely to take me seriously, to truly consider my ideas. The issue I need to reconcile is how to make the change from what I'm doing now to being a full-time writer. I also need to believe I can do it, and diminish my fears that I won't be able to survive at it.
My favorite teacher, Mr.Dalton, was my middle school English teacher. He helped me in more ways than just inspiring me to write - but he did that, for sure. I wrote a story that I wanted to submit to my school's literary magazine and I gave it to him to read so he might help me edit it before submitting. After he read it, he asked if we could meet to talk. I didn't realize it at the time but I guess what I wrote was a huge red flag for a teacher to read! I was depressed, as was the usual for me, and the story was really dark and sad. It was probably a semi-autobiographical story (as most of them are) although I don't remember the details except I know that the first-person persona in the story was crying or something at some point, if not as the main storyline. I honestly cannot remember. In any case, my teacher asked me how I was doing in general. He showed an interest in my well-being. I love that man so much. He is the only man I've ever thought if I could be with a man, I'd want him to be Mr.Dalton (not literally since he's probably 35 years older than me). In any case, after we started meeting - which became a frequent thing, I think like once a week (he was kinda like a therapist, actually - very much so) - I started writing more. I wrote so much! I even started a novel - I wrote at least 80 pages. I think I have it printed somewhere because I intended to finish it and try to get it published someday. I was in 8th grade when I wrote that. The stories were all so sad and tragic. Then my life suddenly became horrifically sad and tragic. Strangely, I couldn't write about it. I think my writing started to fade after my sister died. I still wrote in my journals, but I couldn't write stories anymore. Reality was too overbearing.
So then I went to college and majored in biology - a story I've repetitively mentioned on here - all because I wanted to know if two women could have babies together biologically and if not, why not. It was a stubborn curiosity that became even more important to me to figure out as I ran into more and more bigoted people who would say "they just can't" or "why do you wanna know - are you a lesbian?" or "you're not a science person". I believe it was stubbornness or that "oh, you don't tell me what I can and cannot do!" that led me so deep into my search that I majored in biology. When I finished college, after my little slip-up at NYU and I started my doctorate program at Pitt, I saw my old teacher on a visit home one time. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was in a doctorate program in molecular, cellular, developmental and biochemical biology at Pitt. He had a baffled look on his face. He was surprised, he said. He had always thought I'd become a writer.
Everyone who knew me at that time was surprised I was becoming a scientist. It's understandable since I did vow after my junior year in high school that I was never gonna take a math or science class again.
I have learned since then that I cannot keep vows that contain the word, "never". It's almost a guarantee that I will have to do whatever I said I would never do. I have had to eat those words way too many times now. Therefore, it's safer for me not to say never! (But I won't say I'll never say never! haha)
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