Fools

Yesterday was my sister's 39th birthday. Or, rather, would-have been if she had lived past 19.

Friday, January 20th, was my older brother's 36th birthday. He had been dating a girl that he was really into for the past couple of months or so, albeit long-distance - he's in Portland, OR, she's in Orlando, FL. He flew there on Friday to spend a week with her for his birthday. Yesterday, my Mom emailed me to let me know that he was on his way back to Portland with a broken heart.

Feeling foolish.

I cried. Even other people's broken hearts hurt me. Even if I think it's best that the relationship end. I still feel the sadness of the loss.

But especially for my brother - for my family. It just feels like it's not working for us - although he had been married. I haven't had anything of any real significance as far as romantic relationships are concerned. It has all been remedial. I've known high school students who have had longer relationships than I've ever had. Yeah, it makes me feel...behind. Slow. Immature. Inadequate.

And foolish.

Maybe part of the problem has been my idea of what a significant relationship is. Time may not be the proper definer, although it seems to me like it would be a decent correlate - how long would you stay in a bad relationship? The answer for me is 2-2.5 years. Oo how exciting that I have that kind of data. [very sarcastic.]

The foolishness is in the hope and going for the hope with such fortitude. I mean, you kinda have to or why bother at all, right? I'm not sure.

Well, it looks like I may have over-estimated the prospect of me and my friend ever being together. I guess I didn't know what the prospect was but, again, attached myself to some level of hope. Now I'm shaving that attachment again. Like usual.

I often feel foolish when I'm having to detach myself from someone or, rather, some feeling. I guess feeling foolish comes from feeling ashamed. I suppose the shame comes from feeling like a failure. And what is it that failed?

I mean, honestly, why does it make me feel ashamed, like a failure, like a fool for ever thinking maybe...? Intellectually, I know that's ridiculous! Emotionally, I totally feel it... Another disconnect.

Happy Post

I feel like I'm on the verge of the rest of my life.

I guess we're always on that verge.

or maybe we're just there

living it.

I just got back from this amazing, relaxing, absolutely GORGEOUS vacation in Vieques, Puerto Rico! Nothing went wrong - everything, essentially, went right! And now...now I'm back in Oakland...and it feels like things are still going right!

At the same time, I'm terrified of how things might go...and so I feel frozen, unable to do anything. At least, nothing that "rocks the boat". I guess I'll just go with whatever goes. Essentially, I'm feeling a lot of good feelings - some just because I was just in the most beautiful place on Earth with two of my good friends - one of my all-time best friends - and had an incredible vacation so that I'm really quite serene right now. And I'm kinda having some very joyous feelings for a person that I feel like may be having joyous feelings for me, too, but it's kind of an off-limits thing cause she's still dating someone else. Because of that, I feel kinda badly about having these feelings. Like "thaw shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" or whatever, you know? But to me it's not because of some "rule" that God made or something, just that it's not cool, you know? Like would I want that to happen to me? No! Of course not! So that's how I know it's not ok. But it's also happening beyond my control. What I can control is my behavior in response to it, which is easy because I have no choice but to do nothing. That I know. So, in a way, it's perfectly fine to feel this way and maybe I can revel in it a little without feeling too guilty about it, as long as I keep it under wraps, right?

Right. That's hard for me to do. I know me. I tend to give myself away all the time - I wear my feelings on my sleeve. There are no secrets that my body can keep. Essentially, I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel and maybe everyone else does, too. I don't think I'm very good at hiding how I feel about someone - but then again, I've had multiple girlfriends or people I dated that said they didn't know if I was interested in them until I basically outright told them. I find that interesting - maybe I err a bit to the other side when I'm interested in someone, essentially purposefully acting like I'm not interested in them. I don't know. If I've ever done that, it's been completely subconscious. I certainly don't try to mislead others. But I might be scared of rejection. Ok, no, I'm definitely terrified of rejection.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post how I'm feeling right now cause it's just plain good! I want to sit with these good feelings for a little bit - just enjoy them without needing to know where they'll lead. That, again, is unusual for me - I usually feel like I need to do something about my feelings. But here, in this case, I think it's safe to say that I need to do absolutely nothing!

I Was Engaged Once, Too

It's weird to me. The way it's all been panning out. I wouldn't have thought...no, this is nothing like I imagined.

I'm talking about my life.

The thing is - I wonder when it took that turn down the path I didn't know I was taking. Or did I? Maybe I always thought it would be an adventure...

Here, I'll explain a little.

When I was young, I dreamed of growing up, doing whatever it is I wanted to do - like being an artist or musician - then I'd fall in love, get married and start a family. I really thought it was my own idea of what I wanted - I had no notion that it might've been influenced by what "society" wants or what we're taught to want. I genuinely wanted it.

Of course, at some point - in high school, actually - it became clear that I wasn't dreaming of having a husband, but, rather, a wife. Then, of course, I considered that it's not legal for two women to get married in this country (at the time, it was hardly legal anywhere!). Anyway, that's probably the first turn off the path - I thought, well, we don't have to get married - but I did think of it as like a marriage, just without the legal turmoil. Then, the next step - a pretty big step, albeit I thought it was just a curiosity at the time - I majored in biology in college. Momentarily, after college, I tried to come back to becoming a musician - I even started a music technology program at NYU.

Ok, then there were several quick decisions made in succession. First, we (that girlfriend and I) moved from New York City to Pittsburgh, PA. Then, I applied for graduate school at the University of Pittsburgh for molecular, cell, developmental and biochemical biology. Then, well...maybe first should've been that I started dating her even after flaming red flags had blazed in the first week of the relationship. Then I made the choice to go to NYU instead of trying to figure out how I'd be able to go to the schools I got into in England that were more composition-based, anyway, which would've been more what I was interested in pursuing. But I chose New York because I had a girlfriend that couldn't leave the country with me. Maybe that was the big clincher - that girlfriend. Cause she got me into drugs which was one of the main reasons for us to leave New York (not to mention the cost of living).

Anyway, after we moved, she cheated on me several times and after the second time (maybe?) she said she was so sorry that she went out and bought an engagement ring and proposed to me. I was 23 and she was 19. It did not feel real or genuine - but I still said yes. I mean, I had no idea what to say or do, let alone what to feel. I was so hurt and so sad...I wanted the pain to go away and what she was offering was what I'd always wanted...so I went for it. [This is a classic example of codependent behavior. I was the most codependent I've ever been while dating her. And it was the longest relationship I've ever had - 2.5 years. I'm still trying to fix the me that dated her. We broke up over ten years ago.]

We were living at my parents' house that summer and my Mom saw me wearing the ring and asked if it was an engagement ring. I said yes it was. So she threw a little party (well, just gathered the family) with a cake and everything. It wasn't at all the way I dreamed it would be. It felt so gross to be playing this part that...that came from hurt, not love. I think I even cried afterwards.

The reason for this whole thought was because another ex of mine got engaged to her trans-boyfriend recently (posted on facebook yesterday, I think). It's not that I want to marry her. (We were chemically incompatible - I got rashes!) It's just...well, I think I give off some sort of romance repellant... Anyway, I was just about to give an inventory of my ex-girlfriends and see who's married, engaged, etc. But forget it. It's just sad. Yeah, some have gotten married, had kids, etc. And I don't talk to the others - well, I don't really talk to any of them. I always find that to be the strangest part of romantic relationships - how you can be so, so very intimate with someone...and then WOOSH! It's all gone upon someone's changing feelings. It always feels like the floor dropping out from underneath me. Is that codependency? Or is that normal grief? I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm not sure about all of these things anymore - if I'm ever gonna have that kind of long-lasting relationship, if I'll raise children, if I'll ever become that musician/artist that I dreamt of becoming... Well, we'll see.

Recognizing Progress

So I still don't have a sponsor through my CoDA (Codependent's Anonymous) program. And I've been going through some codependant challenges lately, so it would be nice to have a sponsor. But there's not a whole lot I can do about that at the moment, so I'm trying to be a sponsor to myself (although that pretty much is contradictory to the concept.) Again, though, I feel like I can't just let myself become a blubbering codependent fool just cause I don't have a sponsor - that's worse.

I thought I'd share this because sometimes in life we have no choice but to take care of ourselves, by ourselves. Doing that can be really challenging for some codependents, while it's the manifestation of other codependent's codependent issues. For me, I generally try to take care of myself but have an intense desire to be taken care of by others but don't know exactly how to go about it, either way. I tend to end up in some sort of denial or blistering ball of tears or self-destruction. In any case, I'm still trying to figure out the best way to deal with my hard feelings.

I've been out of one of my anti-depressants since Saturday. Or Sunday - does it matter? It's been at least three days. Normally it might not have much of an effect on me yet except that there are other triggers going on that are making it harder for me to stay emotionally stable. I hate to admit that I'm not emotionally stable on my own. That feels shameful to me. But, ok, I hear my former therapist saying to take the shame out of it. Ok, no shame - it just is the way it is.

Well, here's what happened: I've been feeling good, having made a new, good friend. I'm thrilled about it, but I'm not used to it. I'm not used to having an emotional/mental intimacy with someone that I'm not also trying to have physical intimacy. They have gone together for so long for me that having them separate clearly triggers something in me. In any case, I need this intimacy! Or maybe - I really, really want it! But it's off-limits to the physical intimacy and that's probably for the best, anyway, seeing as I think there's something related to why I tend to sabotage my relationships here. I mean, I could feel myself edging towards sabotage recently - like last night.

I like my friend and I like her girlfriend - they are an adorable, beautiful couple. They are the same age and have a lot in common, at least superficially, but I'm sure more than I know, otherwise. I'm nine years older than they are, although my friend is quite mature for her age and I may be somewhat immature (or just very young at heart). I feel for her girlfriend because we spent several evenings in a row together last week and it could've appeared to others like we're dating - I know how hard that can be for a girlfriend. I've been that girlfriend before. I've also been cheated on. It's extremely hard to have the self-awareness and ability to rise above the feelings of insecurity and possible jealousy that arise from having your significant other spend a significant amount of time and/or intimacy with someone else, even without any accompanying physical intimacy. So anyway, I have sympathy for my friend's girlfriend because I would honestly have a hard time if I were in her shoes. I have expressed my gratitude towards her, but at the same time I have found myself having those physical desires. And I could feel myself feeling that all-too-familar feeling of wanting more from someone else who's already giving me quite a lot (my new, good friend).

I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the feelings and for taking the time to re-evaluate - to work through the feelings! I decided to stay in last night (instead of going over to their apartment, which I was invited to do because I was having a rough day/evening - something that shows her friendship, yet again). I cried it out a little then set myself up in the bath. I smoked a bowl and had a beer while I sat in the bath and really thought about it.

I remembered that I've been focusing too much on others again and not enough on myself, which easily explains the discomfort and the erratic feelings of self-worth that I've been having recently. It's ok that I'm still single - it's because I have things I am working on and need to work on prior to starting anything again. And I realized, this desire for more comes from not focusing on myself - I want more from others when I give myself less. So I need to re-focus on myself when I find myself feeling like I need more from someone else - meet my own needs. I need to feel loved. So I need to love myself.

A friend told me over the summer that she sees loving herself as doing the things that she loves to do - or giving herself what she loves. I find this to be a great way to actively love myself because otherwise it seems too enigmatic - like what does it mean to feel loved by yourself? Cause I already intellectually love myself - everything about me is that I almost always know what I'm "supposed" to feel or do, it's just that I don't completely feel those things. My former therapist said that "the longest road is from your head to your heart". I completely embody that statement. It's why I could always "trick" my therapists into thinking I'm perfectly healthy. I know what to say, how a healthy person would feel, etc etc. I just didn't feel it - at least not completely. [At some point, I figured out that it wasn't helpful for me to "trick" my therapists...that if I actually wanted to improve, I needed to be as honest as possible...so no worries - I'm always honest, now!]

Anyway, so taking that bath was loving myself. Calling my doctor to get a few extra pills while I wait for my prescription refill to be delivered is loving myself. Writing this post to remind myself what I did right is loving myself. Letting myself cry when I feel it - no matter where - is loving myself.

I'm progressing. Recognizing that is loving myself.

"Never Take Anything Personally"

So a friend of mine showed me a book the other day (well, technically I just saw it in her car and looked at it.) It's called, The Four Agreements, and it's about this guy who had a near-death experience (which caught my eye cause I'm really interested in these) who has a profound spiritual awakening because of it (which is typical for experiencers) and made these four agreements - like promises to himself on how to live his life based on what he realized about life and reality and after-life, etc. (that it's really about loving more and better).

Anyway, I can only remember two of the four agreements at the moment. One I've got down fairly well - already have been trying to live it since I can remember - to keep "your word impeccable". I like to think that, for the most part, my word is as solid as it can be - if I say I'm going to do something, you bet I'm gonna do it, etc. This has been a huge deal to me - I guess I see it as reliability and if you can't be reliable, then everything about you can be doubted and nothing that you say is solid or sacred or real and you could easily be ignored. (Interesting that I use that language - does this value of mine stem from feelings of being ignored or abandoned when I was growing up? Hmmm...) Anyway, so ok, check that. It's the other agreement that I'm ruminating over right now: "Never take anything personally."

Never? ANYTHING? Oy vey - so basically the goal is to never think that someone else's choices, feelings, opinions, etc. etc. is about me or something being wrong with me?!? Whoa. That's like the reverse of all the feelings I've ever had in my life. (Ok, so that's a bit dramatic, but I have, sadly, spent many, many, many hours/days/months/years deriving my feelings of self-worth from others so that sentence is not far off from the truth.) I mean, in CoDA (codependant's anonymous), we talk about re-directing our  feelings of self-worth from ourselves instead of others, but we don't explicitly say to "never take anything personally".

My initial feeling about that agreement or promise is that I doubt I can do it. Then my next feeling is - is it even possible? Or even right/correct? Then I think about one of my best buddies. He comes across as a very happy, jolly-go-lucky, sweet, loving and fun guy - very charismatic! Most people are drawn to him (my belief is that the people that aren't drawn to him or who are even "repelled" by him have serious issues to deal with cause he's seriously one of the nicest, sweetest, funnest people I've ever met. And so non-judgmental. He's just one of those types of people you can't imagine why anyone would ever not adore!). I think about the way he lives his life - he doesn't seem to take anything personally! Even if people act kinda rude to him or their actions could be seen as not terribly kind, etc., he either ignores it or he just seems to pretend they aren't being rude/unkind, etc. It's like he's decided everyone has good intentions towards him unless explicity said otherwise and then he just ignores them and continues with his life without missing a step. I mean, this is how it appears on the outside. I know for a fact that things affect him, but even then they don't affect him to the same degree that they affect others and to the same negative outcome. I don't mean to imply it's easy for him - I also know he works hard to feel good about himself by himself. I know he gets down, I know that repetitive downtrodding on him will get him down - but he really is amazingly strong. He has an uncanny ability to rise above it all. I've always admired this about him. And to be truly honest, I've been jealous of him for this and for the fact that he's so well-adored to the degree that sometimes it can be over-shadowing to others. But I realize that's not his issue - it's mine. I'm the one that has the problem with letting things go. And letting other people think shitty things about me and not get all wrapped up in it as if it really means I'm a shitty person. These things are hard for me, and for most people.

But I know how to work hard, so I know I can do it - I can work hard to never take anything personally. That's my new goal (well, an addition to other goals I have such as being an "all-loving being" - I actually think this fits perfectly under the umbrella of that overall goal). It's a lofty goal cause I know how hard it's going to be for me. It's going to take a lot of stopping and thinking about my immediate reactions/feelings to adversity - then re-directing those feelings into something else such as love for the other.

But I'm up for it. Why not, right? What else is there to do, feel like shit? Yeah, I've already done that. Done with it. Now it's time to feel good.

First Challenge

Ok, so my self-imposed 6 month stay on dating is about to be lifted (December 8th, I guess? I don't know why I chose that date...) Thus, I will be self-allowed to date if I so desire.

I've definitely been feeling the weight of my solitude lately - not due to loneliness (I'm doing better on that front), but more due to feeling a need for physical affection. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to date anyone, though. Mostly, I know I'm not ready to have my heart crushed again and I feel like I need to be ready for that if I'm going to put it out there. Also, I promised myself I wouldn't date again until I stopped finding myself attracted to unavailable people (or found myself attracted to available people). Clearly, that has not happened, either.

There's no pressure, of course. It's not like I have a ton of ladies knocking down my door (as I kinda thought would happen when I moved to the bay area six years ago...sadly, it did not happen.) I mean, not even one. Or if there is one or many that are interested, I'm not very aware of it. Except for one. But she's not available. And it is a little strange that I know that she's at least somewhat interested. And equally unnerving is that I am at least somewhat interested, too. But she's not available - and not just in that "emotionally unavailable" wishy washy shit, I mean she's dating someone else. The last thing I want to do is fuck up someone else's relationship. Well, that might not be the last thing I want to do, but it's certainly not up there on my list of things I want to do.

I like to pride myself on not usually being attracted to people who are in relationships already, or people who would never date someone like me (whether they're straight or just not into the more masculine type of lesbian). I think the key is that I'm not attracted to people that aren't attracted to me, but as soon as they show some sort of interest, all of the other parameters no longer affect my feelings. Again, is this because of my need to be loved due to a lack of self-love? My abandonment issues? Well, my abandonment issues do get triggered when someone likes me at one point then turns around and dislikes me at another, especially if I can't figure out what happened to make their feelings change. I know I've gone through this before in previous posts - yes, people have the right to and will change their feelings for whatever reasons or non-reasons that they feel and I don't have the right to know or do anything about it. Again, hence not feeling up for that unpredictability.

The dilemma is that I am itching for affection...like I can feel my insides itching. And I find myself attracted to someone that is a dangerous person to be attracted to (because if it went anywhere right now it would definitely turn into drama.) Not to mention, if she were available, would I be as attracted to her? I'd like to think, yes, but then I don't know what the truth is in that regard. I mean, I'd like to think I'm not attracted to her because she's unavailable! Sheesh - then I should be attracted to half the world! or 90% or something, right? And that's sooo not true - I'm usually not attracted to anybody! My attractions are more rare - few and far between.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this since it's my first challenge to my dating block. Well, in that there's someone I'm sort of interested in dating but cannot date. I'm sure it'll pass and I'll be back to cooler weather on the inside. And there's nothing insignificant about friendships. I'm very grateful for that. I'm also grateful for my CoDA meeting tonight. They'll understand how I'm feeling, I'm sure! (and if they don't, they can't respond to my "share" so...I'll just pretend that they do.)

November: Truce?

This month, November, gets to me every year. Well, really, every year since November 25th, 1992: the day my sister and nephew died (and his father/her boyfriend/fiance).

For the past 19 years, this month has crept up on me, inside my soul - I swear my body knows it before I do. This month sends me spiraling into sadness - but I often forget the power my subconscious has over me in this way. I'm not stupid - I know it's not the month's fault! November is just a section of time that we have given a name. It recurs every year, but it's never the exact same section of time (it's not November, 1992 anymore). I am just remembering it because other things are similar - the air getting colder and thinner, the nights getting longer, Halloween having just passed and people getting ready for the holiday season starting with Thanksgiving. So really, it's me. I'm the one bringing myself back to that devastating day, that devastating feeling, the worst day of my life. One thing I am sort of grateful for - I have already lived the worst day of my life. I mean, I don't like to tempt fate too much by thinking about that too hard cause I know it could be worse - it can be worse. I just think that it being the first of its kind in my life (tragedy) that it would have to be like 10 times worse for it to be that bad or worse again, so I'm hoping that was it. That was the worst day.

But I relive it every year (sort of). My body seems to, at least. Like a couple of nights ago I dreamed about my sister and nephew again, but they were alive and then they were dead again - like I had to go through that again (as if I forgot?). Sometimes I have these types of dreams and they sort of repeat and so I get kind of confused and when I wake up it takes me a few minutes of really thinking about it for me to remember, no, they've been dead for some time now. I honestly don't understand what it's all about. If I'm working through something in my dreams, what is it?

In any case, I'm well aware of the fact that it's all in my own control, just below the level of my usual conscious control. Don't get me wrong - I love getting to see them in my dreams, getting to spend time with them! I just don't love when I wake up and have to remind myself it was just a dream or how I seem to spend much of my time feeling sad in November. For instance, I've been feeling really badly about myself lately in various ways, but I think that's me just feeling low and not putting in enough effort to realize it's not that I'm bad, it's that I feel badly. I feel badly, like nothing's gonna feel good again because that's what I remember feeling this month, 19 years ago. Yet, the memory of that feeling has kept it alive in me for this long - every year, in November.

But that's just silly. I don't need to keep that memory alive in me anymore (well, the bad feelings memory - I don't think it's useful to try to "forget" about my sister/nephew's deaths.)  My life doesn't have to feel like that anymore. So I'd like to re-direct my feelings from that nightmare to feelings of love, peace and joy. How do I do that?

The answer is that I don't know. But first, maybe, I'll ask November, itself, for a truce. Hey, November, you killed my sister, but you also gave life to some of my favorite people: my friend, Abby, on Nov.5th, my favorite teacher, Mr.Dalton, on Nov.11th (I think?), and one of my best friends ever, Ellen, on Nov.21st. So...truce?