First Step

I went to my first CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting last night. After writing that I'll try anything to work through/"recover" from love addiction/codependence, I realized I could try another 12-step meeting. (Last year I had tried Al-Anon a few times because my ex wanted me to and I thought it might be helpful but it wasn't the right fit. I also think I wasn't ready to "believe" in the 12-step program for me.) I've also been searching to talk to someone who is significantly further along their recovery. So it makes sense.

"Hi, my name is J and I'm a codependent."

It was strange to say that out-loud for the first time. Just owning it feels kinda strange. I don't want to be a codependent. I don't want to be a love addict. But I am those things. I have a lot of confusion about where the differences are between the two conditions - but I guess the theory is that all addictions are rooted in codependence. So all addicts are codependents. But not all codependents are addicts, I guess? Yeah, I guess that's possible, then. If you're just mildly codependent, maybe. I think I'm not mildly codependent, but I'm also not extremely codependent. I have worked on things before and although I lost a lot of that over the past few years, I still feel like it's easier for me to pick it up again - the work, the effort. There's just been the added shame of feeling as if I "dropped the ball" on it before, but more like I just didn't realize how easily I would forget how to keep it up - or that I would always have to work on it consciously. But...even the shame is something I am working on diminishing.

Anyway, I guess I'll go back next week. I even got a "chip"! I might even try another night which is supposed to be really big...we'll see. I don't want to proselytize the 12-steps, the way I think some people do - I guess that's actually the 12th step! I don't like that. It doesn't help, anyway, cause people don't go until they really want to go. It is good to get the word out that it exists and that it can help and has a high success rate - well, AA does - I don't know about the others. I guess I'm just trying anything like I said I would. I'm really tired of not being able to have a healthy relationship. I'm tired of giving off this vibe of desperation!