It's My Party

I had the first party I've had in years last night - a housewarming party for my new apartment in the North Oakland/Temescal neighborhood of the East Bay Area of California. I had all these grand ideas of what I wanted to do for it - have a kiddie pool, a grill, the best music mix ever for dancing, etc!  Oh, not to mention that I wanted to be completely moved in - not just unpacked and boxes put away, but decorated and clean. I thought I would get things done since I gave myself about 3 weeks prep time. However, I kept getting busy with work and other activities, not to mention my intense mood swings/ups and downs due to my recovery work. So Friday came along - the first day of my "staycation" (vacation where I stay home, don't go anywhere), I hadn't slept well the night before and I woke up in an anxiety-induced panic. I was not only stressed and anxious about all the stuff that needed to be done for the party (cause I basically hadn't accomplished any of my goals), but I was anxious to see the girl I have been trying to "get over"...detach from...stop being addicted to/obsessive about. I wrote in my journal a little and thought I came to the decision that I wouldn't do anything - I wouldn't try to talk to her about my anxiety, etc. Then, I came to my computer, checked my email and Facebook and saw her online. So with my heart racing and my body practically shaking, I asked if we could chat. I basically told her I was anxious to see her, she told me then it's probably better for her not to come to my party, and then it went downhill because I think that triggered my abandonment issues which were already being triggered by her dating someone else... Anyway, the bottom line was that I think I did want to ask her not to come to my party afterall because I knew the anxiety was really about seeing her, trying to impress her, etc. etc. I knew how I would feel at the party - my feelings would be all wrapped up in her and her reactions, etc. and I would not be able to really enjoy the party and my other friends who I really wanted to enjoy. The point is that I achieved my goal but how I achieved it was unhealthy - not the way I wanted the conversation to go and it went that way because of me.

Immediately after the chat conversation where we decided we couldn't be friends anymore (which we weren't really being anyway because it was all one-sided), I fell fast into self-defeating thoughts, feelings and behaviors and canceled the party. Then, I called my therapist crying my eyes out. She called me back and suggested I still have the party (I asked cause I felt worse after canceling it). So then I "reinstated" the party - both actions just involved emails to the list of party invitees.

Then Friday night, I started reading this book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay. My old landlord had given it to me - actually, I say she's my old landlord, but that whole family really became my friends. She gave the book to me years ago and I tossed it with a bunch of other books she gave me that felt too "new-agey" for me. Interestingly, though, I kept some of the books, including this one, even though I did donate a bunch of books before my move. Anyway, the book was mentioned in another book that she "lent" me (I need to get that back to her and buy my own copy), The Holographic Universe by Michael Talbot, which is an amazing book! I highly recommend it. In any case, I realized that I had the book that he mentioned and immediately got it from my bookshelf.

Had I tried to read the book years ago when it was given to me, it wouldn't have had the same effect as it is having on me now. I wouldn't have accepted it as anything other than new age mumbo-jumbo bullshit. I've been resistant to the idea that we can control what happens to us - good or bad - just by our thoughts because that would mean when something unpleasant happens, it's not just stochastic chance and bad luck or whatever but actually it's because you didn't want it to go well or that you  actually wanted it to be unpleasant. As if to say, my friend died of complications from cancer treatment because she just didn't want to live hard enough. Something fucked up like that. However, reading this book from this other perspective...from the perspective of what I'm beginning to believe about the universe and our consciousness, I feel like there's something more to this than just the black and white of either determinism or total stochastic chance. In any case, the book is having more meaning to me now. So I started some of the "exercises" - mostly affirmations so far.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, "I am worthy of love." After repeating that a few times and maybe even starting to feel it, I said, "it will be a good party because I will have a good time." (Ok, I don't remember the exact words, but that was the sentiment.) And yeah, whenever I do these "affirmations" I feel like Stuart Smalley that Al Franken used to play on Saturday Night Live. So it kinda makes me feel silly and just thinking about Stuart Smalley makes me laugh! But...at this point in my disease and recovery, I'll try anything! I'm so tired of having these problems, you know? I'm so tired of sabotaging relationships, of experiencing my reality in extreme intensities, of not being able to love myself and take care of myself well enough... if there were a magic pill, I'd take it. But there isn't and there won't ever be. There's only one way out and that's through it. So I'll try whatever I need to try even if it may appear stupid and silly to the outside world. I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing it for me.

Well, I hope it's needless to say but the party was a whole ton of fun! At most, maybe there were 4-8 people there at any point in time. I bought enough drinks and people brought over enough food for 20 people - easily! I bought the blow-up kiddie pool but didn't blow it up for time reasons but also because it was actually relatively cool. I bought two small charcoal grills that also remained in their boxes because we already had enough food and not enough grillable items. I bought a bunch of  outdoor string party lights but hadn't put them up in time, although did end up putting some up during the party. I also got a firepit and firewood, which we did use! That was pretty awesome! I didn't make my amazing music mix, but I did throw together a bunch of songs that I love and called the playlist "My Party". I set up my pre-amp with monitors, a mixer and audio interface to my computer and played the music. My friends, most of who didn't even know each other, got along great, were sweet, talkative, funny and fun! I even got to do some dancing with a new friend with whom I'm going to be writing some music. Anyway...

Anyway, the party was a blast and I think, maybe, those affirmations worked. At least to some extent. I'm going to continue with them and each day it will get easier. But sometimes it will feel like I've taken a step back (such as with that chat on Friday) - this is ok, apparently, according to Louise L. Hay, because "it is a sign that the situation is beginning to move" and she says "we need to keep going." 

Deal.