I did it again. I'm obviously not entirely detached from this girl. I could try to minimize my feelings and explain why I shouldn't feel them but it wouldn't change the fact that I still feel them. Why I do probably has more to do with me than it seems but I guess I just don't know how to feel differently. I know that my behaviors in response to my feelings are what really matter in how I get along in this world, though, so at least I had the awareness not to respond the way I probably would've responded even just a few or even two months ago. I actually drafted an email - dangerously, actually. I did it on my phone which I've easily accidentally sent emails from previously before they were finished and I even had her email address in the send box...so had I accidentally touched the send spot, I would've fucked up. I knew I was playing with fire there... And honestly, probably did it on purpose cause I wanted to send the email. I wanted to indulge myself. I wanted to know for sure and maybe hoped it wouldn't be true if she was dating this other, cuter, maybe even more interesting and maybe less crazy girl or not. There are so many reasons why sending that email wouldn't be healthy and even just the thinking around it isn't healthy.
Not to even go into how it's not my business whether or not she's dating or doing anything for that matter, for me to want/need to know that is codependence - not being able to sit with the unknown - and either way the resulting answer would be, she's still not trying to date me. Furthermore, I need to stop needing that confirmation of my worth. I'm worthy of love. Starting from me. But I want affection too! I can't kiss me, I can't hug me, I can't hold me when I cry...I'm starving for that... Famished.
But I'm still alive. I can get hugs from some of my friends. I'm pretty f-ing awesome at masturbating (as long as I don't end up crying at the end, feeling sorry for myself that the only way I can satisfy my sexual needs is by masturbation.) I need to have the FAITH that I will someday be able to fall in love with someone who will be able to fall in love with me and we can build a healthy, and imperfect, relationship together... That faith has not been my "thing", but more recently I have begun to understand faith a bit more. It necessitates openness, flexibility, a willingness to try something different.
And "something different" seems about right, right now. What I've been doing over and over again for 34 years really hasn't been working. So, OK. I'll try. And I'll try to also listen to my gut (without trying to manipulate what I hear). So I beg you, Abby, my Goddess of romantic love and attraction (since I felt that way for her when she was alive, and not my sister cause she's my sister - I need her for other prayers, anyway...) - although, Jodi, you can jump in to help if you feel so inclined...all the help would he appreciated!
There are other things I wanted to post - about how I was wrong about her not working on her shit even though I am working on mine - I was wrong about that. I have no reason whatsoever to feel "better-than" her. (not that I should be feeling that way, anyway.) I guess I just wanted to make myself feel better because I feel badly about myself due to her not wanting to date me. Hey J (me) - just accept that it sucks to feel rejected. Sit with it. Let the tears roll down. Feel the pain. It's not killing you. And you will feel better again. And you will feel loved again. Feel love from yourself in the form of acceptance. It's not her "fault". It's not yours, either. It's just the way it is and it's ok that it hurts, but lashing out will only make it hurt more and for longer.
That's what I'd say to myself if I was someone else. I'll read it to myself now and go to sleep listening to my sister and my favorite Poison song, "Every Rose Has It's Thorn".
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