So I did let loose some anger in my last post and it is a little embarrassing. I mean, I suppose it wasn't the worst it could've been but...I generally like to think I'm a pretty compassionate person.
Like a wounded animal, I tend to lash out when I'm in pain. It's not terribly mature, no, but thankfully I've kept it to myself, my therapist, my journals and my blog. I don't want to sabotage any hopes for any type of relationships I might be able to have with people I like and care about, including this girl that I briefly dated last. It's not really about her, either, and I feel badly that I cannot just meet a nice girl and maybe have feelings for her without it seeming to take over my best intentions. I hate that love and sweetness can so easily flip into hurt and anger. I wasn't "in love" with her but I think I could've developed those feelings that I have thought were love. I'm not sure I even really know what true love feels like, other than the way I feel for family, a few friends and my pets. What is "true" romantic love? Funny that I'd be a "love addict" and not even know what real love is/feels like.
Actually, today I was waiting for the shuttle to work from the BART station (16th and Mission). A cute hipster lesbian/dyke walked by and those were my thoughts "oh look at the cute dyke...oh yeah, she's pretty trendy looking with her hair like that and her clothes...hipster, I guess? I bet lots of girls think she's cute.." and then I just felt like shit and wanted to cry. 'Cause I'm not a hipster. I'm not fashionable. I might be cute but nobody will notice because I'm mostly in the lab or at home crying, or if I'm out I'm certainly not trendy looking - in fact, I go for kinda silly, geeky or dorky just because I know I can. Yeah, lately I've been throwing pitty party after pitty party for myself. Seriously wanting to evaporate. I find it disgusting too. I'm on a downward spiral with that....hmmm...doing that thing where I get upset with myself for feeling upset...and thus, I get more upset...
Have you noticed that I've left all semblance of good grammar behind? I guess it all goes together. As I fall apart.
Here are some lyrics that have spoken to me lately:
There is a wall
That runs right through me
Just like the city
I will never be joined
What is this love?
Why can I never hold it?
Did it really run-out
in a stranger's bedroom?
I
I have decided
at 25
That something must change
After sex the
Bitter taste been
Fooled again the
Search continues
[teach yourself
how to truly love]
~ from Kreuzberg by Bloc Party
Well Jesus Christ I'm alone again
so what did you do those three days you were dead?
'cause this problem's gonna last
more than the weekend
~ from Jesus Christ by Brand New
They're not the full lyrics - just the ones that speak to me. Plus, the Jesus Christ lyrics make me smile - they're clever!
Then I wrote some lyrics the other day but no music so...they'll probably wash away with the tide but here they are:
I wake up every morning with a broken heart
No particular culprit
Just thumping pumping
Breathing
Moving
It's all strained
And I've got me
Only
To blame
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