My therapist wants me to "get in touch" with my anger. I don't. It terrifies me - every time I "get in touch" with it, it ends up hurting me even more. I wonder if it's because I avoid it until I have no choice, though.
I am angry, though. I'm angry that here I am, working my ass off, hurting like hell, trying to be honest - always being as honest as possible to everyone - and yet I see others that have hurt me but because they don't want to feel like they're hurting me, they hurt me more with their lack of integrity or dishonesty or avoidance or just plain ickiness. People are wimps when it comes to dealing with themselves honestly. Admittedly, I am too, 'cause here I am feeling "better-than" these people - ok, this person - because I am actually doing what I said I would do. I didn't give anyone any f-ing lines to try to make myself feel better because I think what I said wouldn't hurt them. But in the end - it all comes back around and yes, it hurts. Let me be explicit: the girl I dated most recently had ended it with me saying that she has "no business dating anyone right now" and she said that she "told the other girl this too" ('cause there was another girl who she had sex with while dating me and that's why she needed to end it 'cause she felt icky about it or something.) Anyway, she never needed to tell me either thing and now I wish she hadn't because I don't believe either statement whatsoever or that she meant either statement with any type of integrity. I felt it then that it might not be true and now I also have reason to believe that she is either dating again or never really ceased, except for dating me.
I'm angry because she tried not to hurt me but now she's avoiding me - clearly - because she has all these lies/secrets to keep so as not to hurt me? No. It's so as not to face her own hypocracy. Because it is hurting me and she doesn't care - maybe she thinks I don't know or don't hurt because of it but the truth is that it's not about me, just as it never has been. She doesn't even know me - how can it be about me?
So that's the other part. I don't want to date like that anymore - you know, where you are making out and sleeping with someone as you get to know them! That means that all the affection and attention and seemingly "love" coming from that person has everything to do with your superficial characteristics and nothing or very little to do with your depth of character, etc etc. - you know, the reasons to really love someone. It's all fucking fake as hell and I'm done being fooled and used! Yes, I feel so used!
I feel so used.
But of course, the flipside is that I did it, too. In my situation, though, it was that she fit my fantasy. The first time I met her I actually wasn't all into her but as soon as she started to show interest in me, she became much more attractive to me. She was always physically attractive but I hadn't felt anything churn inside me, you know, like butterflies or whatever, until I thought she was into me. Of course, that's my fantasy - to be loved, to be wanted, to be adored. Like I said previously, I crave that! So that is my ugly side - that she fit my fantasy and I suppose I used her, too, 'cause I don't know her any better than she knows me. With one exception: I know she says one thing and does something else. Her words and her behavior do not line up. I work my ass off to make mine line up because I put a very high value on integrity - it might be the highest of value to me other than love and compassion. However, I am not perfect at it, either.
So after anger comes forgiveness. That'll be another post. Right now I'm gonna stay with my anger. My therapist said that anger is protection - it is a way to protect ourselves from having our boundaries crossed (in the future again, I suppose, because I think anger comes from having a boundary crossed). From this, then, my anger is telling me that in the future I might choose to get to know someone before making out and sleeping with them.
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