I found a 12-step workbook that I think I can use to help me "work the steps" for my SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) program. The first step is to "admit to ourselves that we are powerless over [alcohol, drugs, others, ourselves, etc.] and that our lives had become unmanageable."
When I first started going to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), I started a different 12-step workbook and worked the first step in there (Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody). There were maybe 20 pages of activities and journaling to do for Step 1, primarily to identify the maladaptive behaviors and to try to identify their roots in childhood - basically to flush out the "childhood abuse" that caused the behaviors to develop as a survival mechanism. It was not a pity-party. It made me look at my shameful behaviors and own them in all their horror. It was hard. So when my sponsor for SLAA told me that I needed to do Step 1 again, but specifically for SLAA this time, I really thought it might just be easier for me to buy a gun. (and, well, you know where that's going...)
But I found this workbook by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More Workbook (well, she wrote the best seller, Codependent No More, which the workbook is designed to complement.) The layout is unique - it goes through 10 "lessons" which include the 12 steps (so right there it's different because it combines some steps together since she clearly sees their redundancy that I've always complained about!) And it seems a bit more gentle, which might be what I need right now. I'm pretty annoyed with the feeling like I'm the only one I know who has these issues that's doing anything about them. But...well, that's just another issue I need to deal with/get over - whether or not other people deal with their issues is not my business/not of my concern. All I can be concerned with is whether or not I can be close to them while they are wherever they're at. Right now, I've come to realize that my most recent OOMA (the new term I'm giving for anyone that becomes the "object of my affection"), most definitely has some of these same issues as I do, albeit manifesting in a different, complementary way (she is the "love avoidant" to my "love addict"), and she is not at the point of recognizing, accepting, facing and dealing with the issues as I am. It is perfectly ok because that's where she's at. But for me, I am trying to accept the fact that it's not healthy for me to try to continue to have a relationship of any sort with her while she is unable to do those things. This is not something I am good at - I am heart broken about it. She is not a bad person (and neither am I) but right now she is hurting me pretty badly and I need to get out of her way so she can figure it out on her own.
Anyway, back to the workbook: I like the way that Melody Beattie is setting up the Step 1. It's all about identifying or "recognizing" our "teachers" and the lessons that they taught us, whether or not we expected to learn anything from them, whether or not we learned the lesson "the hard way" (in a painful way). I like that because it's less about flogging oneself and those that supposedly "abused" us, and more about seeing that there were lessons there, that these people gave us something in the end, even if that came with much pain. The other half is about how we reacted, yes, but it's also in a gentle light - that we reacted that way because of the pain, because we were trying too hard to control (and alleviate) that pain. But of course, those reactions were not in our best interest in that they hurt us again.
In any case, I feel a little better, like I can handle it again. I will work these steps. I will work my programs. And I will be grateful for the lessons that I get to learn in this lifetime.
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