Beyond Our Wildest Dreams

I've been in some inner turmoil for the past little while. I keep writing posts, publishing them then taking them down and even deleting some of them. It's a sign of my struggle - I cannot seem to come to an agreement with myself on how to feel, what to think.

I'd like to think that I'm letting the universe take over trying to figure everything out for me, but that's not entirely true. I've just been bouncing back and forth with my interpretations of it all. I'd like to hand it over to the universe, though. I suppose I am trying to do that now.

Step 3 of the 12-steps is all about surrendering to our 'higher power' (or the universe, as I like to say) all that we cannot possibly know, control, and that which we have found to be unmanageable over which we find ourselves powerless. The idea is that God or our Higher Power or the Universe will take care of it and we, individually, do not have to worry about it, whatever 'it' may be. Not only that, but one of the 'promises' is that, if we "work the program", we will find joy and happiness "beyond our wildest dreams". This 'promise' can manifest itself in many different ways - in all ways - including, but not limited to, personal relationships, career and other life dreams.

So I'm beginning to feel it. I'm beginning to feel the changing tide - that it may be true for me, too! It's strange and I think it reinforces my newfound belief system that the universe is conscious and desires us conscious beings to be joyful, happy and at peace. Of course, all of this is achieved through expanding our ability to love. I truly believe that.

The strangeness is in how this phenomenon - surrendering and "letting go and letting God" - results in the fulfillment of that promise of being provided for by the universe. It's counter-intuitive because I've always learned that if I want something, I need to make it happen for myself/I need to do it so that I can get it. I've always learned that I was the one who manifests my own destiny - that I need to work for it, figure out how to do it and do it. It's not that I'm suggesting that we will get all that we want if we stop working towards it. It's more that it is becoming apparent to me that the universe has a plan for us - according to my newfound spirituality, we were part of making this plan in our "inbetween lives" time - and it's something we not only want but need and that if we let it happen by not trying to steer our futures too much in any one particular way, then the universe will lead us through our plan and, at the same time, provide us with love, peace and joy "beyond our wildest dreams". But we need to stop trying so hard to be in control of our destinies, to stop trying so hard to build our lives all by ourselves. It's weird - it's not at all within the realm of what I came up to believe - that I could be, do and get whatever I wanted if I worked hard at it. But that is based on a flawed spirituality, one without a Higher Power (therefore, I must become my own Higher Power) - it's based on not trusting that the universe will take care of me if I accept it into my being and let it guide me.

In order to let the universe (or God or your Higher Power) guide you, our personal consciousnesses need to mellow out so as to tap into the universal knowledge (the 'brane' in which we are all encoded and of which we are all part). This can only happen when we let our minds quiet down - by whatever means that takes, such as meditating. I also find that my mind quiets when I play an instrument or sports or when I'm creating something - essentially when I'm focused on one task at hand that is less about trying to figure out the solution to some problem or analysis or interpretation, but more about letting the spirit flow loosely through me while I feel something and concomittantly do something with that feeling.

It became most apparent to me the other day when I was playing the piano. I've been playing the piano since I was 3 years old. If I had more formal training, I'd probably be able to play in professional settings by now, but I didn't have extensive formal training. I had a teacher that was excited when I started to write my own compositions, so she encouraged me to go in that direction rather than practicing scales and whatever else formal training has you do. So music was never tainted with too many rules for me, thankfully. Anyway, so I was playing and just feeling so connected - like the piano keys were merely just extensions of my fingers and through them my soul gently sailed back and forth with each note. I felt beautiful for those few minutes while I played. I felt like I was truly at home. At peace.

Letting go, letting the universe take over - these are not direct actions. But playing the piano is. And so is taking a run or drawing a picture. Yet, I think one could say that those actions are my way of letting go, letting the universe take over. From there, I know things will fall into place because they have already begun.