Waiting for Me

Someone once called me "a big ball of sadness." Full disclosure - it was an ex-girlfriend. One of my fears is that I am and will always be that.

It seems that sometimes I'm always on the verge of tears. Clearly that sentence is a contradiction in terms, but it does sum up how it feels for me.

Lately I'm trying to unearth some serious demons inside me that hold me back from getting the thing I've always wanted just by the shear need I have for it - to meet, fall in love, and have a sustained, long-lasting, healthy relationship with another healthy, beautiful woman. The truth is that I'm not as healthy as I want to be or really, need to be for this to happen. Also, I have to stop wanting it - needing it - so badly. That's the hardest part. I cannot lie to myself so what can I do to truly feel something I don't really feel or know how to feel? Well, that's where the therapist comes in, hopefully, right?

My therapist diagnosed me as a "love addict." Feel free to look it up. I don't feel like defining it cause if I were to define it I'd say a "love addict" is a spineless, hopeless, selfless (in the true meaning of the word), sick, pathetic human being (at a stretch) that will do anything - endure anything - just to be loved and to be "in love." I hope it's needless to say but I sure as hell don't like the idea of me being a "love addict." However...although I don't think I'm the extreme case, I have come to the acceptance that yes, indeed, I am a love addict (as much as it sickens me). Sadly, too, I've been told it before - by a different therapist (two other therapists, actually, who were also the best other therapists I ever had.) So three therapists agree: I am a mother-f-ing love addict. Yay. Woop. Ee.

So the only good thing about the diagnosis is that there is a method of "recovery" from love addiction. The thing is that I have worked on many of the symptoms before through cognitive behavioral therapy - you know, when you actively re-direct your obsessive thoughts, keep yourself busy doing things that help you re-focus on yourself instead of on the other, work on self-esteem, etc. I actually progressed quite a bit with that therapy - I thought, in fact, that I was "healed", in a way. Clearly, however, I wasn't. All that had to happen was: 1) move 3000 miles away from where I lived for my first 28 years of life 2) have my heart broken by a girl that I truly believed would become my wife 3) not have a good therapist to help me for 3 years 4) meet another girl that I was super-attracted to and who seemed to fulfill my fantasies... and voila! I was sucked back into the love addiction for two years.

But the truth is that I never really was all that "healed"! I had just learned a bunch of techniques on how to appear healthy to others. Inside my head and heart, however, I was still the same broken girl I'd always been. I don't want to be broken anymore.

So bring it. Let the demons come up - let me face them so I can expunge of them forever! I want to stab them like I sometimes think about stabbing myself in the face.