I'm Like Me

I'm single - really single - again.

I dated a girl briefly - 2.5 months or so. She made it clear from the beginning that it was not going to be a "serious" relationship and that she was definitely on the rebound from her recent break-up from a four year relationship with her first girlfriend (at the age of 37 - she said she's "slow", I'd say more of a "late bloomer"). Anyway, so she said she was dating other people at the same time, but that she's not like that normally. She said she's like me normally - naturally monogamous, easily attaching, etc. She said all of these things. And that she liked me a lot and that she wasn't having sex with anyone else.

Until right before she left for 2-3 weeks after her semester ended about a month ago. She had sex with some other girl that she was dating. That's funny cause she totally turned cool around that same time towards me. I noticed it cause I'm very sensitive to people's actions, which reveal their true feelings. She told me this the other day to explain why she cannot date me anymore. She said she felt badly after she had sex with this other girl - that it made her feel like she wasn't being true to herself cause that's not who she is. Well, that's interesting cause...as it turns out, she did that and therefore, that's who she is. At least, that's all I know her as. My problem is that I believed her when she said she was like me - cause I wanted her to be. But she wasn't - she isn't.

I'm like me.

I'm going through withdrawal from my love addiction right now. It's horrendously painful. It sounds ridiculous - withdrawal from love addiction? Come on! But...it's almost as bad as one of my major depressive episodes. Except that I know it will be over at some point, which is not how it feels when I'm going through a major depressive episode - although, admittedly, this has felt pretty daunting at times, as if I'll never get through it. The only reason I know it is temporary is because I have Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Love Addiction", which explains that this 'withdrawal' is part of the recovery process - as long as I don't cave to the feelings and try to do something about them.

In fact, I've decided I'm going to set the goal of getting through this "love addiction" to a healthy-enough place in the next six months such that I could try dating again at that time, hopefully. The problem with that is that I don't tend to feel it for many people. But maybe that's all part of the love addiction, cause apparently love addicts are attracted to unavailable people - Pia Mellody calls them "Love Avoidants".

I didn't think this girl that I was just dating briefly was a "love avoidant" - I actually thought she was pretty healthy. However, now that I really think about it, she did display some of the characteristics - unavailability, lots of boundaries. Maybe she isn't always that way, maybe my "love addiction" behaviors pushed her that way, but that's how she was with me and therefore, that's not healthy for me. (..not to mention my own unhealthy behaviors...despite the fact that I tried not to display them. I guess I'm just not quite there yet.)

So I actually want to be friends with her, for real. I like her as a person. She is very cute and can certainly pull at my attractions....but if I'm going to be friends with her I want to let go of the notion of ever having a romantic, dating relationship with her again, even though I wouldn't say never to the idea - I just need to let go of it. So I actually did something I've never done before: I told her I needed some time to deal with my feelings for her before I can be just her friend. That was hard butI have to say that I am proud of myself. I'm trying to do what's best for me - and I need more friends!