Dramatic Relationships

Do you ever wonder why some relationships (including friendships) are more drama-filled than others?

I sure do.

The thing is - it's clearly the relationship, not exactly just the people, you know? For instance, the same individuals, let's name them Jane and Max, can have a very good, serene relationship with each other, while Jane might have a really drama-filled relationship with, say, Tina, but Tina and Max have a fine relationship, which is not drama-filled. Maybe Max, too, has a separate relationship with someone named Jackie that is also full of drama. You see - it's not any of the individuals that are the cause of the drama - it's the relationship.

Ok, yes, there are some individuals who are more prone to drama than others - agreed. But I don't think that's the whole story. But I do think I know what the key is: the key is how at least one person in the relationship feels about the relationship - as in, I think one person (and maybe only one person) has a strong fear of losing the relationship because of whatever reasons, while the other may or may not (and maybe it's that they don't have the same fear, I'm not sure you'd necessarily get the same degree of drama if the other person felt the same way, but maybe.)

I'm thinking about this because I've been on both ends of a dramatic relationship: I've been the person who was afraid of losing the relationship because it meant too much to me, and I've also been the other person in the relationship who doesn't care as much about whether or not the relationship exists anymore. So what happens is that something triggers the person who is afraid of losing the relationship to signal that the relationship is in jeopardy, then they start feeling hurt, angry, defensive, etc. and begin to act out in telling, dramatic ways. This, of course, just drives the wedge deeper between the two people in the relationship and the person who doesn't care as much will back off even more.

Well, this is the story of the love addict and the love avoidant; or the dance of the codependents. The love addict is trying to control the situation (stop the feeling of abandonment/losss) out of a real fear of losing something that can almost feel like losing one's life. Obviously, that sounds dramatic, but that's why the behavior becomes so dramatic. The fear is of a feeling of dying - if you lose that relationship, that love, then you might as well be dead. The hard part is recognizing this feeling and bringing it to light so as to examine it and de-mystify it; grasp the reality of the situation. (As in, you're not going to die. The pain is bearable.)

Anyway, coming out of this pattern is obviously a long process and is not easy. For instance, I am recovering from love addiction, myself, and I have had these types of dramatic relationships, as I said. I can control whether or not I behave dramatically, but I cannot control whether or not others behave dramatically towards me. As I said, I've been on both ends, and even though I'm not on the one end (the love addict), I guess I still have (or have had) some relationships where I'm on the other end (the love avoidant). It's weird to be on this end and having to step away from a relationship with someone who is behaving in a way that is almost like a mirror image of myself in past relationships. It's ugly. It's unattractive. And I feel sad about it because I know how she feels.

But part of my recovery is stepping away from these relationships - not partaking in the drama anymore. If she were to change, enter recovery, whatever - that would be a different story, something else to consider. But that's not the case. So I have to step away.

But it is a reflection to consider.

I am so very sorry for how I must have made others feel. I guess that's why there's that step where we make amends. Hmmm.