Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer
Let it be.
I don't like to cry in public. I cry like a mother fucking waterfall, but I try my best to stifle it in public. Because I'm embarrassed - I feel like a baby when I cry: vulnerable, raw, naked. And, I suppose, I feel like I must be immature if I'm being a baby...which, of course, just makes me feel worse and makes me want to cry even more.
So it was no surprise that last night at my third SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) meeting, as we read the first step of the 12 steps, written specifically for SLAA, realizing that every word in the step was almost a perfect description of me, I started to tear up - and fast. The tears started welling, then running - even while I was reading. So I did what I always do - I got up and hid in the bathroom for a minute to get some crying out then to wash my face. The strange thing is - these meetings are probably the one ideal and safe place to cry in front of others! I guess I'm just not quite comfortable with it, yet.
Mainly, I realized how "classic" my symptoms/behaviors are to love addiction. I guess I knew this back in May of last year when I first started to accept that I'm a love addict, but I hadn't gone to a SLAA meeting because of the "Sex" part - not feeling particularly aligned with "sex addiction" - but I do have sexual issues, so I suppose it's making more sense to me now. Anyway, it's apparent to me that these meetings may be even more pertinent to my problems than CoDA. However, I probably will continue to go to CoDA again when my rugby season is over and I can make it to the meetings.
A few minutes ago, I was trying to come up with ways to redirect my obsessive thoughts (like when I find myself obsessing over someone else or other people's relationships) and I really couldn't think of anything to think about that I have any confidence would keep me from slipping back into obsessing about others again. But then I remembered one suggestion by the group/meeting - recite the Serenity Prayer:
God/Higher Power/Jedi Master,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom
To know the difference
Then I realized what that does - what it really is meant to do is just to allow myself to surrender. Surrender to the fact that I am powerless to control this by myself and that I need divine intervention (this is the power of the 12 steps and why faith is so integral to their success.)
So I took it one step further because I know I cannot just recite something because soon it becomes rote and has no meaning left to it, thus not really giving me any alternative. I decided that in surrendering, I can imagine my dead friend, Abby, hugging me (literally, her spirit hugging me in that moment - I can call her to me in that moment), whispering gently to me how she loves me and it will be ok, I will get through this, she is with me always.
Right now, I just remembered something that I think can be of use to me - the last painting I ever saw of Abby's, although I only saw it as a colored photocopy on her memorial service leaflet. It's relatively abstract, although there are two "objects", one larger, looks like it's holding the other, smaller "object". I don't know if it's called something about a mother and child, but it definitely conveys that essence. I will scan it and post it on here with this post later. Anyway, I can imagine that as her holding me in my hour of darkness. Whisper words of wisdom - let it be.
Abigail Bates Rinhart
November 5, 1976 - March 21, 1996
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