After a month of unraveling, I'm getting back on my recovery wagon. In fact, I went to my first SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) meeting last night. I was late because I got confused about the timing/location, but I still made it for at least 1/2 of the meeting - I walked in during the sharing part. I love the bay area - we have everything for supporting personal growth, recovery and general health improvement. There are multiple meetings every day. I am well-supported here.
The first thing that I noticed at the meeting was that there were a few more men than women - I kind of expected that since the title has "Sex" in it, which actually is one of the reasons I hadn't gone to one of these meetings yet. But I'm so scared that I may never be able to have a healthy relationship - that I may never be able to love without destroying that which I love - that I just feel like I need to do everything possible to work through this problem. It's a very serious problem and it is what sets me apart from almost everyone else that I know who is able to have sustainable relationships that don't destroy themselves or their partners. It's the most shaming part of me (and yes, I am trying to get rid of that shame, but I feel like I need to continue to "own" it - own my actions/behaviors. So if I don't sit here and realize that I did this - I was accusational, I was mean to the one I have the strongest feelings for because of my own feelings of unworthiness - then I won't be able to stop these behaviors in the future. And I have to stop these behaviors or, honestly, I might as well kill myself. But I don't want to do that, either - even when I feel like it might be the best way out (certainly an easier way in the moment.)) The truth is that I just want to be happy and healthy. For me, those things take a lot of work.
The next thing I noticed is that I knew someone there - not a close acquaintance, but someone I had met through an ex. So that was a little awkward. I'm positive that he recognized me and I don't know if it was about me, but he started laughing a little (smiling/laughing to himself). It's ok if it was about me - I imagine my ex had bitched about me and I know she thought I should be in some 12-step program (I had even tried Al-anon for her, but it didn't fit for me at the time.) I wouldn't mind if he told her that he saw me there, either, but I know that he probably won't since it's "anonymous." I bet he'll respect that. People tend to respect that, at least to a degree. Personally, I'm at the point where I want to share these things about myself because I see it as important to help others see that there's nothing here to be ashamed of (even though I just said that I'm also feeling that shame - I just know that it's irrational and not helpful to me to feel ashamed of it.) I guess I'm ashamed of the behaviors. But even that needs to be worked through.
Then I noticed that everyone in that room had the same problems with relationships as I do. That felt like comradery - in the sense that we all know what this has cost us. This has cost us all too much. It has cost each of us a truly intimate relationship with another person. My loneliness is real. The irrational, sabotaging belief that is at the core is that I feel like I'm too fucked up to be loved. By her or anyone, really. Such as me. I'm too fucked up for me to love me, either. That's the problem. That's the belief. If I've held this belief since childhood, which was what? 20-30+ years ago? Is it going to take 20-30+ years for me to change it? I don't know how to change it - I know that I love a lot of parts of me, but this belief is so deep. Maybe it's my newfound spirituality that will help me find that self-love that I need. It still seems like it's going to be a long, long time. But I suppose I have to stop obsessing about that, too.
I also called my ex-therapist. Yes, we had some issues, but they are minor to me in comparison to all that she helped me to recognize. I forgave her. Now I need her help again. At least I can hold both parts of her - that she gave me so much and she also dissappointed me. But she's human. And just because we had some disagreements doesn't take away from all that she gave me - which turned out to be quite a lot. So yeah, I'm getting back on my recovery wagon.
I hope I can look back on this and see this as a major turning point in my recovery.
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