I'm Good, Thanks

So it's been nearly a year since I last posted anything on this blog - wow. I shared a post with a friend today, and then I started re-reading a bunch of my old posts. I am impressed with how far I've come in my recovery in just a few years. I feel soooo much better.

I cannot really say how it happened or when it happened or that it happened at a specific point, but I really do feel like I have learned to love myself properly. I have learned to enjoy my solitude. And I'm just plainly content and happy most of the time, despite the fact that there are parts of my life that remain difficult (having some hard stuff going on with my family, I struggle to make enough money to exist, etc.).

I'm still single, but I am open to the idea of dating - I even put a profile up on an Internet dating site (a free one)! The thing is, I'm not that anxious to date anyone, though. I mean, I feel like if I were to meet someone in my life that felt right, I'd know it and I'd be able to make time for that person, but otherwise, I'm not really anxious to put effort into trying to meet someone. So yeah, maybe it's misleading that I have a profile up on a dating site - as if to say I'm trying to meet someone and want to put the effort in. But I don't really want to put effort in that way specifically, because I have other things I'm interested in doing right now - like building my audio engineering career, writing, drawing pictures for a picture book, etc. I'm pretty happy where I'm at is what I'm saying.

Of course, I did have a dream the other night about making out with someone, and yeah, that felt good. But then I woke up and had stuff to do. I guess if there is someone that enters my life with whom there's a mutual attraction, I'd certainly be down for it. But I'm not going out hunting for it, let's just put it that way. I don't really care enough right now about that. I'm having too much fun doing whatever the fuck I want right now, otherwise.

And that's the truth - I'm doing whatever the fuck I want with my life nowadays. Guess what? I don't have to wake up at a certain time to get to work at a certain time, wearing a certain "professional" dress-code, and I don't have to kiss anybody's ass (like pretending that it's ok that my boss' boss' boss can treat me like he thinks I'm a total idiot just so I don't lose my job). My financial situation probably reflects this change. However, I'm much happier - that more-than-double-what-I-make-now income that I was making previously did not make me happy like this - isn't that kind of fascinating? That you can actually do the experiment and find out that money really, really can't be all that you work for to make you happy - not even partially. (I mean, I didn't hate being a scientist! But I didn't love it, either.) You have to do what you love, what makes you happy, whatever that is, and the money will come as little as it needs to help you survive; after that, though, you really don't need it (money).

I really think the way this all happened - this recovery - was just sheer persistence. In fact, I know that's how it works. It's been imperfect, but I keep at it. I keep coming back to the questions, "is this what I really want? is this in my best interest? will this make me feel resentful if I do it?" etc. Just really trying to be authentic and true to myself and others, no matter how hard it is (and it can be really hard sometimes, especially if you don't like to disappoint others). That's all it really is, though. Loving yourself is an action (not talking about masturbation) - loving yourself is taking care of your own needs, doing the things that you love/enjoy/your passions, and treating yourself with the kindness and respect that you would treat someone else that you love (if you're that kind of person, like I am). Practicing these actions over and over makes them more natural in your life, and eventually, causes you to integrate them and the feelings that come with them (like the inner strength and love for yourself that you no longer need from someone else). Then, suddenly, you realize that you're happy just as you are.

So life comes into better focus after you find that solid ground of self-love and happiness. Clearly, all that matters is treating yourself and others with love and respect. You do what brings you joy, and maybe you can also lend a hand to help others find their way to do what brings them joy, to love themselves. So yeah, I'm good, thanks for asking.