About that time

It's long been said that there are several phases or stages of grief. I found a website that outlines seven, to be exact: 1) Shock & Denial 2) Pain & Guilt 3) Anger & Bargaining 4) "Depression", Reflection and Lonliness 5) The Upward Turn 6) Reconstruction & Working Through 7) Acceptence and Hope. Honestly, that seems like a lot and also I believe the order is not always as described and yes, of course, each individual will experience it in a different way. In any case, as far as my newest addition to my ex-girlfiriends is concerned - it looks like we've entered stage 3) Anger (and I'm not sure why "bargaining" is here...I feel like that is more in stage 1)). It feels like she is collecting data, evaluating it and getting angry at me now. So, of course, I am reflecting on data I've already collected and showing her how it angered me. Maybe that's not fair - you know, for me to do that. In fact, maybe this is the time when we should stop all communication.

You might wonder why we're even continuing to communicate in the first place right now. Let me explain. I think maybe Lesbian Break-Up Grief has a slightly different take on the regular version. For instance, I think we, lesbians, like to think that we can be friends seamlessly immediately after breaking up. Just turn the formerly sexual relationship into a non-sexual one. However, that never works. But I believe it is the first stage of Lesbian Break-Up Grief. The problem is that it's not a separate stage - all the normal stages happen at the same time - kind of like: 1) Let's slightly adjust our relationship from sexual to non-sexual and stay close friends 1a) Shock & Denial 1b) Pain & Guilt 1c) Anger...then there's a problem. Cause 1c) Anger brings out the problems which caused the end of the relationship to begin with. Hence, the friendship cannot work, either, and there's the end of the friendship as stage 2). Then, again, we go back to 2a) Shock & Denial 2b) Pain & Guilt.. all the while still angry. Then, maybe the regular stages resume. I don't know.. I can't quite remember. It seems like the first three stages last until time dissipates the emotions.

Anyway, we're on anger. She's angry at me for breaking up with her over and over again during the course of our (almost) two year relationship. Then she's also angry that I broke up with her this last time despite saying I'd try to work it out with her. But the question is, when have you tried hard enough? When do you throw in the towel?

To be honest, she has legitimate reason to be angry at me for breaking up with her over and over again while we dated. I know I should've just stayed broken up with her after I broke up with her the first time (after a month of dating). But I was weak. And wanted it to work...we always made some sort of deal on how it would work but usually it was me who compromised or promised something. Usually - but there were two clear changes that she made after I broke up with her at two different times. In any case, I guess I wanted her to change more. And some things I couldn't figure out how to get her to change. But the truth is - if you base your relationship on how you think it could be and not how it is, then you're really playing with fire as far as the stability of the relationship is concerned. I've known that the whole time, too. I just put it out of my mind. Did I mention that she's gorgeous? At least to me.

I guess I'm not really that angry at her except that she has no idea how she is to others. She has no idea how her behavior affects others. I don't think she really cares, either. Maybe I'm angry about that. Mostly I'm full of guilt and sadness still.