Is it a burden?

Does it matter if it is? Do any of us have a choice?

My head is spinning since watching the movie about Facebook - "The Social Network". I definitely think it's an entertaining movie. I don't think it's "the first great ... movie of the 21st century" as it has been touted in previews. Actually, the quote is from a blog post by Lou Lumenick on the New York Post's website reviewing the movie and where I've written the "..." is inserted "fact-based". That's worth pointing out - it refers to the fact that the movie is still fictional, but closer to non-fiction since it is "fact-based". One would not need to describe a non-fictional piece of work as "fact-based" since it's already implied in the term and it would thus be redundant. In any case, that's something to remember and consider when thinking about the movie and any relation to reality.

I will try to keep it in mind, myself, while I write this post.

Many of the reviews, and even Mark Zuckerberg, himself, have been saying that the movie sheds a negative portrayal of Mark, the founder and CEO of Facebook. I, however, didn't find his character in the movie as deplorable. In fact, I kind of saw myself in him. The character - and I don't know if this is how the real Mark Zuckerberg acts and, in fact, it's likely that he doesn't act this way because I think it's probably more the actor, Jesse Eisenberg - talks really fast and self-assuredly which obviously implies he thinks fast and constantly. He has a brilliant mind - smart and fast. He even understands social situations - he just doesn't navigate himself through them well - well, at least in this version of the "truth".

Mark gets frustrated when other people can't keep up with him and the way he thinks. He gets bored with "small talk". They sound a bit arrogant, but I can understand these feelings. However, I have, in recent years, realized the necessity of disguising these feelings. I still get frustrated because I hate repeating myself and I feel like I have to do that a lot more with other people - not repeating myself because they didn't hear me, but repeating whole conversations because they didn't quite grasp it yet although I will have thought we came to the conclusion already - which is inevitably what it is but sometimes other people aren't quite there yet. I mean, I'm just quick at thinking, I think. And I spend all day thinking so I guess I exercise that part of me often so it's in good shape. (And I'm quick at learning - I only need to learn something once for me to understand it - most of the time. Sometimes I continue to understand something more and more with each lesson, but most of the time I almost fully grasp something right after be taught it the first time. At least I believe I do which I also think is part of the whole success thing - you need to be self-confident.)

Let me get to the point: I feel that in order to be a historically significant person - someone who can honestly be considered great and remembered for all time - you have to sacrifice social and domestic life. I felt like the character of Mark Zuckerberg was lonely and eventually all alone at the top. (I think this is one of the contentions of the real Mark Zuckerberg so I need the qualifiers). He seemed unhappy and sad. I also understand it is a bit of a caricature. In any case, I know there's some truth to it. And I feel like that's what I'm doing. I don't have much of a life at all. The more of a "life" I have (this is the personal, social and domestic parts of one's life to which I am referring), the less I have time to work and vice versa. I would like to think I have not made these sacrifices in vain. It doesn't matter, though, because I don't really have a choice now that I've chosen this path - which I didn't know would actually limit my choices rather than widening them.

I don't mean to open the whole "why did I get my doctorate" can of worms. I'll save that for another blog post. I suppose what I'm feeling that I'm trying to convey in this post is that being smarter than the average person, or feeling smarter (if that's all it really is - my own perception of superior intellect), I feel like I am burdened by it to do something great with it - this intelligence, you know? And thus, I must sacrifice the life that I thought I would have - the one everyone is taught they will have - in order to do this "great" something with my life.

The life that I am referring to, if you aren't fully grasping my point, is the one where you go to college after high school, get a job doing something that requires a bachelor's but not necessarily anything particularly specific to the subject of your college major, date around a little but then marry the person who you're dating by the time you're about 30, have kids soon thereafter, and then get consumed by the domestic life of raising a family - you get older, your kids have kids and then you die. Something like that - am I right? I mean, sure, we've been told the more glorified version, but that's pretty much it. And it's true - it happens all the time, like clockwork. I swear I had no idea that it was so predictable - the sudden massive onslaught of marriages that my straight acquaintances had to endure over a few summers between ages 28-31 (ish). Myself, being gay, only had to go to a handful of weddings (if that) - thankfully, to be honest! Weddings are stressful. My brother told me how he had to go to weddings every single weekend for at least one of those summers, if not two or three of them. Now those people are either getting divorced or having babies. Unfortunately, my brother fell into the divorce path - although it was not his choice and I will write another post about the biggest lie out there (about the nature of love) that is destroying people's lives (I am purposefully being dramatic).

Ok, going back to the burden that I feel I must carry out since I am blessed with my mind. I could just blow it all to hell and be a beach bum, you know? But I won't. I don't feel like I can, in fact, because I would get bored. And if I didn't get bored it would be because I was using my intelligence to do something - maybe to discover something, maybe to build something, paint something, etc. etc., and thus, using my intelligence somehow to do something that could be conceived of as "great". So then maybe it isn't a burden. Or maybe I have no choice and it doesn't matter either way if it is or not cause there's no way around it.

To complete my story - or blog post - I will now come back to the movie about Mark Zuckerberg and the making of Facebook. If I could talk to Mark Zuckerberg (the character from the movie), I think I would say this to him:

Hey Mark, yes, obviously you're very smart - some may even call brilliant or a genius if you believe in genius, but here's the thing: you gotta give everyone else a wee bit of a break. They're not as quick as you, but they're still worth knowing, you know? And caring about. So maybe you could slow down and take some time to figure out what it is about them - and the world you have taken for granted around you since you understand how it works so well and easily - and consider the things you cannot ever fully understand like beauty. And love. And inner peace. Then maybe you can find some humility and give yourself a break, too. You don't have to be the best, the greatest, etc. You can just be happy if you want to.

Those are my thoughts. I'm not sure how well this post fits together. I wrote it in several sittings. I'm not positive even if I have completed any thought whatsoever. I just saw myself in him (M.Z.) and so maybe it's really just about me and how I feel about me.