"Never Take Anything Personally"

So a friend of mine showed me a book the other day (well, technically I just saw it in her car and looked at it.) It's called, The Four Agreements, and it's about this guy who had a near-death experience (which caught my eye cause I'm really interested in these) who has a profound spiritual awakening because of it (which is typical for experiencers) and made these four agreements - like promises to himself on how to live his life based on what he realized about life and reality and after-life, etc. (that it's really about loving more and better).

Anyway, I can only remember two of the four agreements at the moment. One I've got down fairly well - already have been trying to live it since I can remember - to keep "your word impeccable". I like to think that, for the most part, my word is as solid as it can be - if I say I'm going to do something, you bet I'm gonna do it, etc. This has been a huge deal to me - I guess I see it as reliability and if you can't be reliable, then everything about you can be doubted and nothing that you say is solid or sacred or real and you could easily be ignored. (Interesting that I use that language - does this value of mine stem from feelings of being ignored or abandoned when I was growing up? Hmmm...) Anyway, so ok, check that. It's the other agreement that I'm ruminating over right now: "Never take anything personally."

Never? ANYTHING? Oy vey - so basically the goal is to never think that someone else's choices, feelings, opinions, etc. etc. is about me or something being wrong with me?!? Whoa. That's like the reverse of all the feelings I've ever had in my life. (Ok, so that's a bit dramatic, but I have, sadly, spent many, many, many hours/days/months/years deriving my feelings of self-worth from others so that sentence is not far off from the truth.) I mean, in CoDA (codependant's anonymous), we talk about re-directing our  feelings of self-worth from ourselves instead of others, but we don't explicitly say to "never take anything personally".

My initial feeling about that agreement or promise is that I doubt I can do it. Then my next feeling is - is it even possible? Or even right/correct? Then I think about one of my best buddies. He comes across as a very happy, jolly-go-lucky, sweet, loving and fun guy - very charismatic! Most people are drawn to him (my belief is that the people that aren't drawn to him or who are even "repelled" by him have serious issues to deal with cause he's seriously one of the nicest, sweetest, funnest people I've ever met. And so non-judgmental. He's just one of those types of people you can't imagine why anyone would ever not adore!). I think about the way he lives his life - he doesn't seem to take anything personally! Even if people act kinda rude to him or their actions could be seen as not terribly kind, etc., he either ignores it or he just seems to pretend they aren't being rude/unkind, etc. It's like he's decided everyone has good intentions towards him unless explicity said otherwise and then he just ignores them and continues with his life without missing a step. I mean, this is how it appears on the outside. I know for a fact that things affect him, but even then they don't affect him to the same degree that they affect others and to the same negative outcome. I don't mean to imply it's easy for him - I also know he works hard to feel good about himself by himself. I know he gets down, I know that repetitive downtrodding on him will get him down - but he really is amazingly strong. He has an uncanny ability to rise above it all. I've always admired this about him. And to be truly honest, I've been jealous of him for this and for the fact that he's so well-adored to the degree that sometimes it can be over-shadowing to others. But I realize that's not his issue - it's mine. I'm the one that has the problem with letting things go. And letting other people think shitty things about me and not get all wrapped up in it as if it really means I'm a shitty person. These things are hard for me, and for most people.

But I know how to work hard, so I know I can do it - I can work hard to never take anything personally. That's my new goal (well, an addition to other goals I have such as being an "all-loving being" - I actually think this fits perfectly under the umbrella of that overall goal). It's a lofty goal cause I know how hard it's going to be for me. It's going to take a lot of stopping and thinking about my immediate reactions/feelings to adversity - then re-directing those feelings into something else such as love for the other.

But I'm up for it. Why not, right? What else is there to do, feel like shit? Yeah, I've already done that. Done with it. Now it's time to feel good.

First Challenge

Ok, so my self-imposed 6 month stay on dating is about to be lifted (December 8th, I guess? I don't know why I chose that date...) Thus, I will be self-allowed to date if I so desire.

I've definitely been feeling the weight of my solitude lately - not due to loneliness (I'm doing better on that front), but more due to feeling a need for physical affection. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to date anyone, though. Mostly, I know I'm not ready to have my heart crushed again and I feel like I need to be ready for that if I'm going to put it out there. Also, I promised myself I wouldn't date again until I stopped finding myself attracted to unavailable people (or found myself attracted to available people). Clearly, that has not happened, either.

There's no pressure, of course. It's not like I have a ton of ladies knocking down my door (as I kinda thought would happen when I moved to the bay area six years ago...sadly, it did not happen.) I mean, not even one. Or if there is one or many that are interested, I'm not very aware of it. Except for one. But she's not available. And it is a little strange that I know that she's at least somewhat interested. And equally unnerving is that I am at least somewhat interested, too. But she's not available - and not just in that "emotionally unavailable" wishy washy shit, I mean she's dating someone else. The last thing I want to do is fuck up someone else's relationship. Well, that might not be the last thing I want to do, but it's certainly not up there on my list of things I want to do.

I like to pride myself on not usually being attracted to people who are in relationships already, or people who would never date someone like me (whether they're straight or just not into the more masculine type of lesbian). I think the key is that I'm not attracted to people that aren't attracted to me, but as soon as they show some sort of interest, all of the other parameters no longer affect my feelings. Again, is this because of my need to be loved due to a lack of self-love? My abandonment issues? Well, my abandonment issues do get triggered when someone likes me at one point then turns around and dislikes me at another, especially if I can't figure out what happened to make their feelings change. I know I've gone through this before in previous posts - yes, people have the right to and will change their feelings for whatever reasons or non-reasons that they feel and I don't have the right to know or do anything about it. Again, hence not feeling up for that unpredictability.

The dilemma is that I am itching for affection...like I can feel my insides itching. And I find myself attracted to someone that is a dangerous person to be attracted to (because if it went anywhere right now it would definitely turn into drama.) Not to mention, if she were available, would I be as attracted to her? I'd like to think, yes, but then I don't know what the truth is in that regard. I mean, I'd like to think I'm not attracted to her because she's unavailable! Sheesh - then I should be attracted to half the world! or 90% or something, right? And that's sooo not true - I'm usually not attracted to anybody! My attractions are more rare - few and far between.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this since it's my first challenge to my dating block. Well, in that there's someone I'm sort of interested in dating but cannot date. I'm sure it'll pass and I'll be back to cooler weather on the inside. And there's nothing insignificant about friendships. I'm very grateful for that. I'm also grateful for my CoDA meeting tonight. They'll understand how I'm feeling, I'm sure! (and if they don't, they can't respond to my "share" so...I'll just pretend that they do.)

November: Truce?

This month, November, gets to me every year. Well, really, every year since November 25th, 1992: the day my sister and nephew died (and his father/her boyfriend/fiance).

For the past 19 years, this month has crept up on me, inside my soul - I swear my body knows it before I do. This month sends me spiraling into sadness - but I often forget the power my subconscious has over me in this way. I'm not stupid - I know it's not the month's fault! November is just a section of time that we have given a name. It recurs every year, but it's never the exact same section of time (it's not November, 1992 anymore). I am just remembering it because other things are similar - the air getting colder and thinner, the nights getting longer, Halloween having just passed and people getting ready for the holiday season starting with Thanksgiving. So really, it's me. I'm the one bringing myself back to that devastating day, that devastating feeling, the worst day of my life. One thing I am sort of grateful for - I have already lived the worst day of my life. I mean, I don't like to tempt fate too much by thinking about that too hard cause I know it could be worse - it can be worse. I just think that it being the first of its kind in my life (tragedy) that it would have to be like 10 times worse for it to be that bad or worse again, so I'm hoping that was it. That was the worst day.

But I relive it every year (sort of). My body seems to, at least. Like a couple of nights ago I dreamed about my sister and nephew again, but they were alive and then they were dead again - like I had to go through that again (as if I forgot?). Sometimes I have these types of dreams and they sort of repeat and so I get kind of confused and when I wake up it takes me a few minutes of really thinking about it for me to remember, no, they've been dead for some time now. I honestly don't understand what it's all about. If I'm working through something in my dreams, what is it?

In any case, I'm well aware of the fact that it's all in my own control, just below the level of my usual conscious control. Don't get me wrong - I love getting to see them in my dreams, getting to spend time with them! I just don't love when I wake up and have to remind myself it was just a dream or how I seem to spend much of my time feeling sad in November. For instance, I've been feeling really badly about myself lately in various ways, but I think that's me just feeling low and not putting in enough effort to realize it's not that I'm bad, it's that I feel badly. I feel badly, like nothing's gonna feel good again because that's what I remember feeling this month, 19 years ago. Yet, the memory of that feeling has kept it alive in me for this long - every year, in November.

But that's just silly. I don't need to keep that memory alive in me anymore (well, the bad feelings memory - I don't think it's useful to try to "forget" about my sister/nephew's deaths.)  My life doesn't have to feel like that anymore. So I'd like to re-direct my feelings from that nightmare to feelings of love, peace and joy. How do I do that?

The answer is that I don't know. But first, maybe, I'll ask November, itself, for a truce. Hey, November, you killed my sister, but you also gave life to some of my favorite people: my friend, Abby, on Nov.5th, my favorite teacher, Mr.Dalton, on Nov.11th (I think?), and one of my best friends ever, Ellen, on Nov.21st. So...truce?

Hum/ility/anity

As a recovering love addict/codependent, it's not surprising that I have trouble with feelings about myself - whether they be good or bad. Essentially, I believe my issue is with the inherent non-objectivity that those feelings entail. And that bothers me, which might be why I do look outside of myself for how I "should" feel about myself. But no, that's wrong, too. That's not helpful, either.

So, to be completely truthful, I think I'm probably just fine. But I've been swinging lately - really big swings - from feeling like I-might-be-a-genius and that I'm-fucking-hilarious and not-too-bad-looking and what-a-sweetheart to feeling like I'm an asshole and all-I-do-is-fuck-up and when-are-"they"-gonna-figure-it-out-that-I'm-a-lazy-shit-and-fire-me and where's-the-hole-for-me-to-bury-myself-in-for-the-rest-of-my-life-to-hide-from-my-humiliation-caused-by-me. It's like there's no in-between - as if I can't just be ok. Fine. A decent person trying to do her best most of the time but still struggling at times - not only to do her best, but to be her best.

Yeah, I guess I like to disperse some personal posts in with the more intellectual posts. I guess it's partly because you can't take the scientist out of the science or the artist out of the art, you know? And maybe it's also partly because this is who I am - I'm all these things at the same time. Well, maybe not at the same time - it does fluctuate. For instance, right now I'm in a lull and I may need to release some anxiety/pent-up-feelings (of?) by crying. I'd prefer to wait until I get home, but I tend to find the most inconvenient time and place to cry - usually on the BART on my way home. Yay. Can't wait for the uncomfortable looks (both ways). Maybe...maybe I won't cry. Maybe I don't need to. I don't know, but I did just tear up a minute ago listening to a song:

I guess it just helped me to relax and accept that it's ok who I am, that it's gonna be ok. I guess I know that, I just - don't we all - dream of bigger things for myself. And maybe if I wasn't so singular in my existence...maybe if I had a partner, these dreams wouldn't be so demanding because just being ordinary would be fun (cause I could share my ordinary existence with someone who could share theirs with me, too). But that's not in the cards for me right now. I'm not sure it's in the cards for me at all, in fact. I honestly wonder that often. I took a break from wondering that when my hypnotherapist said he got a "feeling" that I won't spend the rest of my life alone...but I also wonder if he said that to make me feel better. Cause if you knew someone was gonna be alone for their life (let's just say you could know this for sure) and they indicated worry about that truth, would you tell them? However, he could've not said anything at all.

Anyway, the idea is that I am human. And being human entails having humility. Thus. I am humiliated. Ha, no, I mean, I am humbled.

The Whole She-Bang! Dr.Jams' 10 Points Describing a Theory of Everything

So I thought I'd just make a "table of contents" type of post for my 10 points describing a theory of everything. The exact wording of the titles might not be completed, but at least I think the points are outlined the way I intend them to be. So this is just a reference for all 10 points plus the background. Obviously, as I complete the 10 points and their posts, I will update this post with the links and the final wording.

Here they are, you'll want to begin with the background.

Point 1: (Super)String Theory Resolves the Discrepancies Between General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics

Point 2: String Theory Predicts The Universe To Have More Than The Four Dimensions of Spacetime That We Generally Experience

Point 3 - The Branes of String Theory & The Holographic Principle Give a Platform  & Mechanism for Proposed Extra Dimensions

Point 4: Our Mind Is Also Like a Hologram

Point 5: Orchestrated Objective Reduction By Our Consciousness in the Microtubules of Dendrites Creates Our Awareness of Reality

Point 6: Consciousness Is the Implicate Order (of the Holo-verse)

Point 7: The Implicate Order is the Largest String/Membrane: Light-like Energy of Pure Love & Knowledge

Point 8:  The Nature of Individuality in the Holo-verse Is by Virtue of Self-reference to Form Duality

Point 9: There Is Purpose

Point 10: Infinity: Reconciling Free Will with Destiny/Purpose


You may notice that the first five points are heavy with scientific theories and explanations, whereas the following five points are mostly speculations based on subjective experiences and theories that attempt to combine them with the science. The further from scientific evidence, theories and explanations that we go, the less certain we can be about the theory or model. Therefore, I am perfectly willing to alter my points in the future as we uncover more and more through scientific inquiry. However, I would like to present this like this now for many reasons: 1) I think it's getting close to the Truth 2) When the Truth is figured out by us mere humans, I want some credit for thinking at least this far into it and 3) I finally believe in something and I want to share it. That's all. [I don't care if you think I'm "crazy", "stupid", "naive", etc....or if you believe any of it! I know I'm smart, crazy, and an incredibly fantastically fun person to be around! So hahahahahahahahaha!]

It Doesn't Get Dramatically Better

I have a gazillion opinions about a gazillion topics, but I can only choose a fraction of them to share. I have held off on the whole LGBT bullying/suicide issue for awhile, but now I feel like it's time to share my opinion on the "It Gets Better" campaign.

I don't think the "It Gets Better" campaign is very effective. It's cute and sweet, but not effective - in the same way that telling smokers that smoking increases their risk for a gazillion diseases (like my new favorite word?) - nobody gives a shit about what's gonna happen in 5-10+ years from now! Everyone's struggling with the here and now. So telling someone what may or may not happen in the future as if to say either hold your breath until then or you'll be sorry then...is not effective. People want the solution now.

So here's my opinion about what might be a more effective campaign against bullying: focus on building the bullied victims' self-esteem/self-worth. The reasoning/logic behind that is this: the only reason it ever "gets better" is because eventually you leave middle and high school and you go someplace where you fit in more and soon you feel better about yourself - it's not that people stop being assholes, it's just that their asshole-ness stops affecting you. Hence, it gets better. So why tell the kids to wait until they get older when they get out of school and figure all that out - why not help build their self-esteem/self-worth now?!

Furthermore, I actually think that the "It Gets Better" campaign is giving too much power to the bullies - as if to give them the credit that what they say/do is worthy of being hurt by - as well as taking away too much power from the "victims" - as if to confirm that they can't handle someone picking on them for who they are. Clearly, if there's physical bullying going on such that someone is actually physically hurting another, then of course that needs to be addressed by the legal system (beating people up is still against the law, right?) The other half of the issue is that the people that bully others are severely insecure, themselves. So...working on helping all students develop better self-esteem/self-worth would benefit everyone.

Regarding smoking: I have no idea how to get people to quit - but clearly giving them all the information in the universe about how it's bad for them, etc. etc. etc., has little to no effect. I like the idea of shaming them by coughing like an asshole when I walk by them - and glaring at their cigarette while coughing/choking. Ha. No, I do it because I'm extremely sensitive to cigarrette smoke, not just for the shaming effect. However, if it shames them enough to quit, then we all win, right?!

[Update: A friend of mine read this post and told me about a campaign that a friend of hers is involved in called "Make It Better", which is a spin-off from the "It Gets Better" campaign but is more about empowering youth now, as I suggested. You can check it out and get involved here.]

Occupy Life

I'd like to first mention that the reason my posts have slowed down a bit recently is because I am trying to read-up on the topics that I'd like to explain and tie together in my next post regarding my 10 points describing a theory of everything. I'm getting close to finishing my next point and will post that soon, but in the meantime I have something to write about the Occupy Wall Street protests.

I'm happy that people have finally gotten together in solidarity to attempt to tell the government that the majority of us who are not "fortunate" enough to have the money to buy politicians are fed up with how the government panders to the mega-rich and essentially ignores the rest of us until elections come around when they feed us a bunch of lies in order to gain our trust and votes. That's great. And, at least, better late than never.

But that's what I want to say: Where the [bleep] have you all been for the past decade???

And....where was the outrage when the banks were getting billions of dollars 3 years ago? Why did you all go, "well, we need to bail out the banks in order to save the economy"? Guess what? I knew that was a load a crap from the beginning! You don't hand the rich banks more money after they just squandered it all! If the worry is that the people will suffer, then hand the people the money - and not in the form of tax breaks, but in the form of jobs, loans and other government-sponsored benefits such as better healthcare, childcare and education! I said that 3 years ago and most people I said that to laughed at me and said I knew nothing about economics! I'm not an idiot - it's just common sense to me.

And have the banks and other wall street firms changed? All the reports say no. So basically we've handed them a green light to screw us over yet again for their own benefit - with impunity! They will be rewarded, is how they must see it...why stop bad behavior when it's rewarded, right?

So, ok. Now some people have finally woken up. However, I'm afraid it's now about the "thrill" of being part of a "rebellion" rather than actually getting anything accomplished. But, ok, we'll take that, too. Just don't forget to try to accomplish something from it, too! For instance, I've had this online petition open for about a year now which demands that we change our federal individual income tax code such that it resembles the tax brackets/rates as existed for the majority of the 20th century, and maybe even model it after the 1917 brackets/rates - meaning that people who earn less than $250,000/year pay LESS TAXES than they do now and those who make more than $1,000,000/year pay MORE TAXES than they currently pay, and in a graduated manner such that the more you earn, your tax rate increases all the way into the billions, I'd suggest, since there are people who seem to earn that much money, a completely absurd phenomenon. And YES, I am totally aware of the fact that this is a type of "redistributing the wealth". I don't mean to say that we should completely abolish incentive for greater earnings, but that the exponential increase in earnings after a certain amount has almost completely wiped out the middle class and thus, it needs to be tempered. In any case, I've been trying to get 10,000 votes for this petition and in 1 year I still haven't even gotten 150. Now there's all these Occupy Wall Street protestors out in the streets/parks - which is great - but it takes about 10 seconds to sign my petition. So where are the signatures???

You can read about and sign my petition here.

Please sign.