Back on the Wagon

After a month of unraveling, I'm getting back on my recovery wagon. In fact, I went to my first SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) meeting last night. I was late because I got confused about the timing/location, but I still made it for at least 1/2 of the meeting - I walked in during the sharing part. I love the bay area - we have everything for supporting personal growth, recovery and general health improvement. There are multiple meetings every day. I am well-supported here.

The first thing that I noticed at the meeting was that there were a few more men than women - I kind of expected that since the title has "Sex" in it, which actually is one of the reasons I hadn't gone to one of these meetings yet. But I'm so scared that I may never be able to have a healthy relationship - that I may never be able to love without destroying that which I love - that I just feel like I need to do everything possible to work through this problem. It's a very serious problem and it is what sets me apart from almost everyone else that I know who is able to have sustainable relationships that don't destroy themselves or their partners. It's the most shaming part of me (and yes, I am trying to get rid of that shame, but I feel like I need to continue to "own" it - own my actions/behaviors. So if I don't sit here and realize that I did this - I was accusational, I was mean to the one I have the strongest feelings for because of my own feelings of unworthiness - then I won't be able to stop these behaviors in the future. And I have to stop these behaviors or, honestly, I might as well kill myself. But I don't want  to do that, either - even when I feel like it might be the best way out (certainly an easier way in the moment.)) The truth is that I just want to be happy and healthy. For me, those things take a lot of work.

The next thing I noticed is that I knew someone there - not a close acquaintance, but someone I had met through an ex. So that was a little awkward. I'm positive that he recognized me and I don't know if it was about me, but he started laughing a little (smiling/laughing to himself). It's ok if it was about me - I imagine my ex had bitched about me and I know she thought I should be in some 12-step program (I had even tried Al-anon for her, but it didn't fit for me at the time.) I wouldn't mind if he told her that he saw me there, either, but I know that he probably won't since it's "anonymous." I bet he'll respect that. People tend to respect that, at least to a degree. Personally, I'm at the point where I want to share these things about myself because I see it as important to help others see that there's nothing here to be ashamed of (even though I just said that I'm also feeling that shame - I just know that it's irrational and not helpful to me to feel ashamed of it.) I guess I'm ashamed of the behaviors. But even that needs to be worked through.

Then I noticed that everyone in that room had the same problems with relationships as I do. That felt like comradery - in the sense that we all know what this has cost us. This has cost us all too much. It has cost each of us a truly intimate relationship with another person. My loneliness is real. The irrational, sabotaging belief that is at the core is that I feel like I'm too fucked up to be loved. By her or anyone, really. Such as me. I'm too fucked up for me to love me, either. That's the problem. That's the belief. If I've held this belief since childhood, which was what? 20-30+ years ago? Is it going to take 20-30+ years for me to change it? I don't know how to change it - I know that I love a lot of parts of me, but this belief is so deep. Maybe it's my newfound spirituality that will help me find that self-love that I need. It still seems like it's going to be a long, long time. But I suppose I have to stop obsessing about that, too.

I also called my ex-therapist. Yes, we had some issues, but they are minor to me in comparison to all that she helped me to recognize. I forgave her. Now I need her help again. At least I can hold both parts of her - that she gave me so much and she also dissappointed me. But she's human. And just because we had some disagreements doesn't take away from all that she gave me - which turned out to be quite a lot. So yeah, I'm getting back on my recovery wagon.

I hope I can look back on this and see this as a major turning point in my recovery.

Molting

[I love how I write in my blogs while I'm at work...hmmm...is this how my body takes a vacation despite myself?]

It's important to listen to one's own body. Today, or actually throughout the night last night as well, I woke up with an acute, pulsing pain radiating from my lower back/hip/upper buttock and down the back of my left leg, almost to my knee. It didn't take long for me to determine that it was probably 'sciatica' and that I should make an appointment with my chiropractor ASAP, so that's what I did - I have one for later this evening. I also found my back brace/wrap and have been wearing it for most of the day so far. It is certainly helping, but hasn't completely erradicated the pain. [Update: I went to the chiropractor, he adjusted me and I'm not in pain anymore. People who don't "believe" in chiropractors are morons. Ok, that might be a bit judgmental/harsh...I mean, they're ignorant - and in this case, ignorance is not bliss.]

I'm trying to listen to my body in more ways than just to help with my physical pain. In recent years, I've noticed that my body is very sensitive to how I feel, whether or not I consciously know how I feel, and it lets me know in both subtle and obvious ways. I'm just now learning how to read the subtle physical manifestations of my internal pain and turmoil. I shall explain...

I've had a couple of posts now where I've directly written about my love addiction problems. In addition, or actually within the "love addiction" diagnosis, I have accepted that I am a "co-dependent." I have purchased Pia Mellody's book, Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives, as well as the accompanying workbook, Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence. I've started the workbook and I'm quickly reading the book so I can do the exercises in the workbook properly. But DAMN - it's hard. However, I know how to do hard work so that doesn't frighten me. I know how to set and meet goals, so I'm pretty confident I can do this recovery. It's still daunting, though, because it's like shedding the skin I've had and grown since I can remember - it's just a huge task and I don't even know what the new skin will be like - it'll be something I've never known.

What has been happening to me lately has been remarkable - I'm tempted to say, "unexplainable", but I think the explanation is that I'm doing the work (my therapist even said this). I started going through the "withdrawal" a few weeks ago, then it seemed it would snowball when the girl I had been dating told me she didn't want to date anymore and I seriously thought I was gonna fall into one of my "major depressive episodes". However, less than a week later I was already feeling better - calm, serene and like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, you know? And now, for the last few days, I've been wanting to go dancing, even! I've been listening to some great new music that I discovered via that Pandora app, I've been downloading the songs from iTunes and I also started a music blog. I am even feeling inspired to create some music and maybe even share it on my blog! Eventually, I'd like to do some performing again.

I guess I feel like I am listening to my body more - for instance, I ask myself, "am I ready to do such and such" or I imagine myself doing it and I read my physical feelings. If my heart starts to beat faster and I start to get nervous/anxious or feel small and insignificant, I think "I'll hold off on doing that for now", but if my physical sensations feel warm, my heart beat is normal and I feel like the same old me - strong and confident - then I think "I'm clear to go ahead". Of course, this is not necessarily always an option - I mean, sometimes we're faced with these choices and the option is do it or lose your job, etc., then of course you have to get yourself to that place where you can do it without falling apart, or letting it be detrimental to you. That's all about calming oneself down and I know some techniques on that. Mostly, though, my issue right now is in trying to figure out how to experience and share my reality moderately. In part, this means I must recognize what I'm experiencing - how I'm feeling. To do that, I'm listening to my body, because I can't trust my mind. I'm too intelligent for my own good! ha! What I mean by that is that I know what I should feel or what would be the healthy way to feel, but that is not always the reality of how I feel... I guess that might be obvious to others, but to me...well, I've grown up to be a perfectionist. I've grown up with the concept that if you know what's best, then you do it. There was no room for imperfection - imperfection led to pain.

Now I am trying to accept my imperfections. By listening to myself and allowing myself to feel what I actually feel, rather than denying it because I believe I should feel a different way, I am becoming more confident in my own feelings - because I'm valuing them? In any case, maybe because I let myself feel like absolute ass-wipe shit for the past few weeks and I didn't try to run away from those feelings or deny myself them, maybe that's why they're diminishing?

It's not like I never allowed myself to feel what I felt despite believing I should feel a different way - I usually eventually caved into my feelings - but I think I used to get so upset with myself for feeling that way that it would be like a downward spiral and just the fact that I was feeling like that (usually a negative feeling), I'd actually make myself feel even worse, so much that the feelings would overwhelm me and become unbearable (I guess that's 'shame'). All of this is described in Pia Mellody's book on codependence. It's really due to childhood abuse, even though I don't believe my childhood caretakers meant to abuse me nor do I believe they even knew they were doing it (except maybe my Dad, some of the stuff he did would be obvious to anyone, although I'm sure we all minimalized it). So part of this whole process for me is recognizing this abuse, mourning/grieving the cost it had on me and setting it free in the form of forgiveness (of the abuser as well as of myself).

It was Pride last weekend here in San Francisco. Sunday is the Pride parade and usually the most fun activities at the festival which takes up all of the civic center and a few blocks surrounding it. Pride in San Francisco is humongous - I mean, SF is the gay capitol of the world! (pretty much) But Pride in SF has become so huge, so corporate, so not terribly gay anymore, that it's become more of what feels like an obligation than fun for me - especially because I get very anxious in crowds. Also, the last two Pride Sundays I had were with my ex-girlfriend where we fought and broke-up. In fact, last year I was so angry at her for ditching me at the parade (for no apparent reason) that I broke up with her right in the middle of the street, in front of her BDSM/kink community tents, telling her that I didn't love her anymore and that it was truly over (and yet it wasn't...)! I was so angry that I was shaking. I had to go up to a medical marijuana booth and buy a medical marijuana lollipop (they didn't have anything else) so I could calm down. That was a really dark day for me. I behaved like someone I didn't even want to know. I wanted to kill myself when I got home. Instead, I got so f-ed up that I passed out. So this year, although I felt like I was supposed to want to go and party, I didn't go to Pride Sunday. I went to work and back home. I did, though, go to a local BBQ so I could meet some new people. It was a good day - just my pace. I felt good about my decisions. I listened to my body and followed the path that felt the most peaceful and comfortable to me. I was rewarded with genuine, warm and sweet feelings. Yay!

Waiting for Me

Someone once called me "a big ball of sadness." Full disclosure - it was an ex-girlfriend. One of my fears is that I am and will always be that.

It seems that sometimes I'm always on the verge of tears. Clearly that sentence is a contradiction in terms, but it does sum up how it feels for me.

Lately I'm trying to unearth some serious demons inside me that hold me back from getting the thing I've always wanted just by the shear need I have for it - to meet, fall in love, and have a sustained, long-lasting, healthy relationship with another healthy, beautiful woman. The truth is that I'm not as healthy as I want to be or really, need to be for this to happen. Also, I have to stop wanting it - needing it - so badly. That's the hardest part. I cannot lie to myself so what can I do to truly feel something I don't really feel or know how to feel? Well, that's where the therapist comes in, hopefully, right?

My therapist diagnosed me as a "love addict." Feel free to look it up. I don't feel like defining it cause if I were to define it I'd say a "love addict" is a spineless, hopeless, selfless (in the true meaning of the word), sick, pathetic human being (at a stretch) that will do anything - endure anything - just to be loved and to be "in love." I hope it's needless to say but I sure as hell don't like the idea of me being a "love addict." However...although I don't think I'm the extreme case, I have come to the acceptance that yes, indeed, I am a love addict (as much as it sickens me). Sadly, too, I've been told it before - by a different therapist (two other therapists, actually, who were also the best other therapists I ever had.) So three therapists agree: I am a mother-f-ing love addict. Yay. Woop. Ee.

So the only good thing about the diagnosis is that there is a method of "recovery" from love addiction. The thing is that I have worked on many of the symptoms before through cognitive behavioral therapy - you know, when you actively re-direct your obsessive thoughts, keep yourself busy doing things that help you re-focus on yourself instead of on the other, work on self-esteem, etc. I actually progressed quite a bit with that therapy - I thought, in fact, that I was "healed", in a way. Clearly, however, I wasn't. All that had to happen was: 1) move 3000 miles away from where I lived for my first 28 years of life 2) have my heart broken by a girl that I truly believed would become my wife 3) not have a good therapist to help me for 3 years 4) meet another girl that I was super-attracted to and who seemed to fulfill my fantasies... and voila! I was sucked back into the love addiction for two years.

But the truth is that I never really was all that "healed"! I had just learned a bunch of techniques on how to appear healthy to others. Inside my head and heart, however, I was still the same broken girl I'd always been. I don't want to be broken anymore.

So bring it. Let the demons come up - let me face them so I can expunge of them forever! I want to stab them like I sometimes think about stabbing myself in the face.