It's Not Just Me...

Ok, look, this TOE of mine is not really just mine. The way I'm putting it together might be, but let me say that I'm not the only a-hole out there that has figured this out. It's just that it's not part of "mainstream" science or common knowledge yet. So let me just say that there are many, many books and papers that I'm discovering on the topic as I delve into this more and more and I'm realizing that there's a whole lot of people who are coming to (or have already come to) these same conclusions. I just wanted to connect the science and intellectual theories with the human experiences. Michael Talbot did it in his book, I just wanted to update it and give it more of a scientific foundation than what was available to him at the time when he wrote his book, The Holographic Universe. I'm not any more of a genius than these fools. We're all in this together. Ok, maybe this is me talking to me here cause sometimes I do get a little grandiose about myself with these ideas...but it's important to keep my humility. It's important that we all keep our humility. The thing about that, too, is that this is all I have right now. I don't have a love life right now, I don't have my own family (well, I have my parents and brothers still...but I mean a partner and kids)...so yeah, this is what I have to get me up in the morning - the feeling that there's something out there for me to do that's larger/bigger/higher than just me. Otherwise, I guess I just feel like dust in the wind, you know? Like I could easily be nothing at all. I know that sounds sad, but it's the truth. We all kinda live for something bigger than just ourselves. I guess I don't see how that's really unhealthy.

With You

Well, I told my therapist that I need to take a "break" from her for a little while to figure out if I can continue seeing her. I'm not going to go into the details as to how this came about but I did want to write about how I'm feeling in regards to it.

It feels the same way it feels when I break up with a girlfriend.

It feels similar to when I started to detach from my mom as the all and end-all authority in my life - which this therapist helped me to do when I started to see her in the spring of this year.

I guess it's the feeling of fear and abandonment - or fear of abandonment. But I'm not being abandoned - I'm stepping up to take care of myself. The fear is that I won't be able to take care of myself in the absence of these other people. I feel myself craving someone to hold me right now. But it's just me. And I guess that's what I need to deal with right now - how to hold myself in times of trouble. ("...Mother Mary comes to me...speaking words of wisdom, let it be...")

Also, I guess that's where 'faith' in something greater, larger, bigger, higher than just myself comes in. Not better than myself, not separate from myself, but more all-inclusive and all-encompassing. It's where the fabric of the universe in which I am imbedded (and you and everyone else...including my sister and my friend who are no longer embodied in this realm) can come to hold me and guide me through the fear and pain. I know I am not alone. (But of course part of me doesn't know this...because I still need to remind myself...)

Maybe instead of saying I am not alone, it would be more comforting to say "I'm with you".

[In fact, 'With You' is the name of a documentary about one of the founders of my rugby team, the SF-FOG, named Mark Bingham who helped take down the terrorists on 9/11 on flight United 93. Check out the info about the documentary and donate if you feel moved (which, how can you not feel moved?!).]

Two-Way Mirror

I had my weekly therapy session today. I feel like I mostly argued with my therapist today, which is kind of uncomfortable, to be honest. It's a weird tug-o-war - I mean, I want to get healthy and be the best me I can be, well-adjusted and able to navigate this life with as much ease and contentment as possible, while I also sometimes feel reluctant to completely let go of who I've come to understand myself to be. I'm having a hard time with that today in particular.

Here's the situation: I know that I am a very "open" person. Like here, on this blog of mine, I've decided to allow myself to be as completely honest and revealing as I would be in my own personal journal - and it's here for public viewing. I know this is atypical, but I never really thought of it as being unhealthy until recently. I'm still not sold on it being unhealthy. I've always thought it was just part of who I am - I am very forthright, very honest, raw, "open", revealing, etc. etc. I even thought it was one of my best qualities. Recently, however, I've come to question this behavior or characteristic (whichever it is). Mostly, I think it makes other people uncomfortable. And I think my therapist is implying that it is one of my unhealthy behaviors - that I do it as a maladaptive behavior. Because I have given my therapist the authority to tell me those things, I am seriously considering this idea. But I guess I'm feeling really protective, even defensive about this characteristic - I feel like sure, it may make other people uncomfortable, but I think that's cause they're more uncomfortable that I'm revealing my innards while they may have little to no clue of their own...and/or they are ashamed of their innards. (By innards I mean their inner depths of thought and emotion - you know, like all the shit I've been laying out here in my blog.) In other words, I think the discomfort other people feel when I am so revealing has more to do with them than it has to do with me.

Having said all of that, I still find myself self-doubting. Maybe it is unhealthy. Maybe I'd have an easier time navigating this life in the social arena if I was more reserved, less revealing. And then, along these lines, I find myself starting to get really anxious because 1) I've been this way since I can remember...I don't remember not being so "open" even if it was just to a few or even one person at a time, so I don't feel confident that I can change it and 2) I don't know that I want to change it - like I said, I've thought of it as one of my best characteristics. People have said it about me, too - that they think it's one of my best, and unique characteriscs (obviously not everyone, I know I've scared some people off...). What do people know about what is and is not healthy, though, right? I mean, 95% of love songs reflect really unhealthy beliefs about relationships. And yet "people" consider them to be "romantic" and desireable.

The other part is that I'm supposed to be working on my self-confidence, self-esteem, feelings of self-worth. Ok, so I actually like this aspect of myself yet I feel like I'm supposed to change it, like it really isn't any good. Ok, it's very possible and even likely that I've over-analyzed my therapy session today and that I've projected some of my insecurities onto my therapist or have done some transferance, as if I expect her to tell me that there's something wrong with this "openness". What I need to do is talk to her more about it, of course. But it's not just today's session that has led me to feel this way - I've felt it before from other sessions with her and from other people, even before I started seeing her. It's been a nagging feeling but...

But I still feel like it's perfectly ok for me to be as "open" and revealing as I want to be. And some people will appreciate it, even. Those who are put-off by it, well...I just have to accept that not everyone is going to like who I am, no matter how much they know about me (often, the more they know about me!) But that's just the way life is. I'm trying to accept that fact - not everyone is going to like me. Some people are going to find out more about me and discover that they don't like who I am, even if they seemed to like me at first.

I guess I'm just saying - I like me. And I'm not going to change the things I like about me.

[Update...later...] So I just came back from a CoDA meeting where I brought this up. This time, though, I admitted that usually when I argue with my therapist I am arguing because I don't like what she's saying about me. The truth is - maybe there is some unhealthiness here. What I talked about with her is that I often feel like I'm running out of time...like all of my relationships, whether they be friends or lovers or I guess even family in some cases, are only here for a short period of time - and somehow I believe if I can let the person know who I really am - all of me or as much of me as possible in that short period of time - they will like me and want to extend the relationship beyond the tenuous cut-off time that I feel. For instance, if you read previous posts, you may notice that I repeatedly said that the girl I was last dating never really knew me - never really took the time to get to know me. I felt like she dropped me before she got to know me and make an informed decision. But maybe...maybe she knew enough to know she didn't like me. I mean, apparently she did (even though she said the opposite - that she did like me. Obviously her own behaviors betrayed her there. At least, that's how I interpret it.)

Anyway, so I'm back to feeling pretty crappy about myself - like I'm broken and there's little hope for me to fix me. Cause here I am, writing this on my blog - I'm posting it to the world! At least, though, I do not expect anything from anyone in response to this blog. So I guess it is a little bit different.

And you know what? I feel like I have good reason to feel like time is constantly running out on me and my opportunities for relationships. For one, my sister died before I got a chance to be the adult, mature sibling to her that one grows into with age; my nephew died at two months old - I practically had no time with him at all, as if he never existed. And my friend, Abby, died too soon, too - I thought I'd have more time! So yeah, these fears I have, this feeling of time running out - it's not abstract, it's for real. Time has run out in some cases. And you never know - you never can know when someone might die next - I could even die tomorrow. You might never know, you might just think I stopped posting. But I'd be gone and I probably wouldn't have been able to even say goodbye.

That's what it's like - when time runs out, it's sudden and feels like a loose end that cannot be tied up - like a mid-sentence cut-off. No rhyme or reason. So I have good reason to want to get it out, share myself as quickly as possible. Cause who knows - I might be gone in an instant - or you might be - and then it's gone forever....

Just A Quickie

So I don't have much time but just wanted to write a quick post about some things that have been tickling my mind lately. Well, basically, I tend to find myself funny and sometimes I even laugh out loud (I refuse to use the internet/IM/text lingo, LOL) at my own thoughts. Anyway, so I have this workbook on codependence called, Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence. There are three sections or parts to the workbook, the first where you write down all the abuse you can remember that you received from your childhood and the messages it gave you, the second part is basically the 12 steps of CODA (Codependents' Anonymous) and the third is...well, I'm not there yet but it's titled, "Beyond Denial About Recovery." (Each part is called, "Beyond Denial...")

Well, I've been working through the book as diligently as possible but lately I've slowed down a bit. I'm on Step 3 and I keep peaking at Step 4 and I realize that I think part of the problem is that these steps have to do with you looking at your current behaviors (and thoughts) that are unhealthy and trying to either "hand them over to your higher power" or make a "fearless inventory" of them. Well, here's my issue: I'm trying my damn hardest not to do or think unhealthy things! So I'm coming up fairly empty...I'm having a really hard time finding my blunders right now because my recovery is starting to really work and I'm getting healthier! I realize that I'm still unhealthy at times, but they're not the same unhealthy things that the workbook wants me to contemplate and write down so I find myself feeling like I'm stuck, or at least slowed down quite a bit. I cannot just write down past behaviors for Step 3 cause it's supposed to be in real-time - in fact, there are dates! You're supposed to "hand it over to your Higher Power", then reflect on how it felt after you handed it over and then also what happened as a result (such as how the situation changed). I feel like I need to fill out Step 3 before I move on to Step 4, etc., and thus, since I'm at a loss for completing Step 3, I feel stuck, like I'm not gonna be able to move on.

Here's the part that made me laugh: I was thinking,  maybe I should just purposefully do some unhealthy shit so I can write it in my workbook and move on!!! HAHAHA!! Right?! That totally defeats the purpose!

So instead of purposefully being unhealthy so that I can fill out my workbook and move on in my recovery, I've decided that I might need to take a little detour from the workbook and improvise - meaning that I could write down the other ways that I find myself being unhealthy even if they don't quite fit what the workbook is asking.

Well, that's that. Maybe it's not as funny to others but it made me laugh. I love thinking of horribly wrong things then coming back to reality, knowing those things are ridiculous and laughing about them! I'm not truly an asshole - I just like to fantasize about being one sometimes.

I Ask For What I Lack

It's been a rough week. My back hurts and it's painful to take deep breaths. Therefore, I'm trying not to take deep breaths, but sometimes, when my feelings edge towards overwhelming I need to take a deep breath to calm down. It's one of those things - where the emotional plays out into the physical - they call it "psychosomatic" - but it's not exactly that the emotional caused the physical. My back hurts because I started playing rugby again last week. I made a tackle in that first practice that apparently re-aligned my spine in such a way that the ribs on my left side are poking into my lungs a little bit. Lovely, right? So yeah, I've been seeing my chiropractor - have another appointment tonight (that makes 3 in the past week) - and I'm not doing any contact play until I'm back to "normal". I am also incorporating yoga and pilates to help so that I can prevent this for the future. I know it can be done - there are ruggers who play well into their forties! I'm only 34! I should be able to play for another decade, at least!

The other part of the pain is not so easy to treat. I'm hurting inside, although I'm not feeling in crisis about it. I'm just trying to figure out how to endure the hurt, as it is perfectly understandable to hurt when someone tells you they don't want you in their life at all - especially when it's someone you wanted in your life. However, there's nothing I can do about it and I have to admit that it took some courage on her part to tell me that because she's not a mean person. I know she doesn't want to hurt me. I wonder if she feels badly that she hurt me already and maybe that's part of why she doesn't want me in her life. But it doesn't matter what the reason is. I don't want to wish bad things on her - and I don't - but it is hard to sit in the hurt without feeling all sorts of feelings - sadness, anger, pain, confusion, disbelief, frustration, sadness, anger, pain. Well, I know it's ok to feel those things - I guess I don't need permission - I just don't want to feel them. The problem is that the feelings cause me to want to do something about them.

There's not a lot I can do, but I find myself circling near the drain of desperation. Like, begging her to reconsider? Or telling her how much she's hurting me? Or telling her how she's doing this or that and how it sucks yadda yadda...whatever - it's all shit, right? None of it will change her mind. None of it will change me (in fact, it will merely keep me stuck). And...well, and it may not even be for real, you know? Like...1) I don't want to be friends with someone that I have to begto reconsider being my friend! How humiliating is that?! 2) I'm hurting but...she's not trying to hurt me (I don't think...she really isn't evil or anything...in fact, I think she's just taking care of herself, which is healthy) 3) I don't really know what's going on for her at all. She said some things but I know there's more to it cause there has to be - and it's not my place to know what the other factors are. She may not even know. I just get the end result, the end decision. And I guess I am grateful that she's trying to own it, you know? Like I'm trying to own my shit, too. I just wish it were a different outcome.

This is where I turn to Step 3 in my recovery. Luckily, I'm on step 3: "[We] made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". Well, I substitute "higher power" even though that term is a little awkward for me seeing as I don't really believe in a separate, higher or better being than myself or anyone else, for that matter. I do intend to describe what I do believe, actually, because it has come to light for me in the past few months. Why not share it, right? Well, only because I have always been put-off by others trying to tell me what to believe in and I would never want to come across like that to others! But...this is my blog! You never have to read it or agree with it - God knows even I don't always agree with myself at another point in time!

Going back to step 3, though... I've decided to hand this over to my "higher power"' to deal with. Of course, that's not the easiest thing for me - I'm certainly resistent. I need to let it go, you know? But I'm struggling, as you can see. I want to figure it out - why and what I did or didn't do, what's going on, etc etc - but that won't change it. And also, I need to remember I cannot change anyone else - just me. And even changing me isn't something I can do entirely on my own - yes, I need help. I've started to accumulate help - a therapist, 12-step meetings, 12-steps/workbook, expanding my world (playing rugby again, hopefully playing music again although that's coming along more slowly). So..the last part, and the most important, I suspect, is to recruit the help of faith in the unknown/higher power. Well, faith that there's reason to this madness and that the reason will be shown to me with time and that...I don't need to figure it out. If something else is to happen, such as this girl changes her mind and wants to be my friend, afterall, or a different girl comes into my life and wants to be my friend - whatever the situation that may or may not happen, I don't need to make it happen. If it's going to happen, if the universe wants it to happen, I'm asking that the universe make it happen so that I can let it go and stop trying to make it happen.

I turn this over to my "higher power", to the unknown. I need help and I know you want to help me because you love me - my sister is there and she loves me, my friend, Abby, is there, too, and she loves me. Please help me...I'm handing it over to you now. (trying....you can go ahead and peal my clenched fists from around it and take it away from me...handing it to you like this is the best I can do right now.)

My Talent

So I got dumped again - by the same person! I mean, this time she dumped me as a friend - saying she doesn't have the time or energy or whatever to make a new friend (I was just offering to be email pen pals...even that's too much, I guess).

I just find it funny. [Well, that's not all I feel about it...] I'm pretty damn talented, aren't I? I can manage to get myself dumped over and over again by the same person. Yeah, she's not the first to dump me multiple times. I'm that awesome.

[Yes, this is where my earlier post came from..]

 

So I feel pretty crappy about myself right now. I'm working on not letting myself fall into a pit of self-worthlessness...but dang, that's pretty harsh, don't you think? Doesn't even want to be my email pal...and get this: She still had the balls to say she thinks I'm a "great person", yadda yadda yadda... I don't believe her! I'm so tired of her dishing me this crap - like with one hand she's carressing me and the other she's slapping me - it doesn't compute! I'm going to explode!

Which shows me that I guess I don't want to be her friend, either. It's hard to accept because on so many levels she seemed like an awesome woman - strong, sexy, smart, funny, fun, sweet - but then she just kept giving me line after line, telling me one thing after the other and doing the opposite. I can't compute that - for real. How can you live with the disconnect? Maybe she can't. Maybe that's why she doesn't want me in her life.

I've been telling myself all day to "focus on myself". Focus on  me, not her - not the other. But here I am...how am I supposed to digest the double-dump without feeling like it's a judgment on my worth? I know...I'm supposed to know/feel worthwhile no matter what other people think of me. But jeesh, that's pretty lonely. I don't want to be the only one. (ok, I guess I'm not the only one. Just feeling the blow.)

I guess the hardest part is that this is recurrent in my life and thus, I feel like all arrows point to me - like hey J you're fucked up. Hey J something's so wrong with you, it's subconscious and thus the behaviors are so engrained in you that it's almost impossible to change them... Yeah, I'd like to QUIT. But there's no other path - it's not like I can quit my recovery and just have a normal life. My life is broken - I have to go through the recovery or what else? Wait for death, I guess.

Well, this is my talent - getting dumped for infinitum. Maybe tomorrow I'll get back on my horse. Today, I guess I'll just sit here, looking at myself, like an ass, kicked and broken on the ground.

Don't Forget To Punch Me On Your Way Out

Today I feel like a human punching bag.
Don't worry, I have no internal organs, so it won't cause any more damage. (just kidding - I know you don't care.)
My heart was torn out long ago.
All that's left in my head is my brainstem, which is all I need to keep getting back up again.
Ready for another sucker-punch!

(Seriously, those hotties in the pic could give me sucker punches any day!! Also...that was my birthday!!)