Still

I meditated this morning. I'd like to bring the practice of meditation back into my life in a regular, habitual way - such as with exercise, although I even need to commit more time and effort to that right now.

Meditation is the practice of letting your mind sit "still". I guess that's not a universal definition, it's just what I've gathered from the different types of meditations I've been taught - well, it's at least as accurate as my own experiences have given me. I mean, it's much more than just that - the outcome is much, much more - but as far as I can tell, the action is simple: clear your mind for a given length of time, let it sit "still" like your body. People that have learned to do this on a regular basis, such as daily, eventually come to have something like an "enlightenment" or a "spiritual awakening" or find eternal peace and serenity. Some people even learn how to "astral travel" or have "out-of-body" experiences (OBEs). This is what I would like - I'd like to have an OBE. My understanding is that it takes years, if not decades, to reach this stage in your meditation practice. Also, I'm pretty sure it's not even everyone who does the meditation for that length of time that is able to attain that state. So...I realize my goal is almost on the unattainable level but... even just getting to the part of feeling serene and at eternal peace would be worth the effort to me - and I'm pretty sure that's almost a guarantee if you continue to practice your meditation.

There are all sorts of "tricks" to getting to that place where your mind sits "still". They work for some and not for others, hence the need for multiple ways to get there. One "trick" that I found intriguing was actually described in a children's book on meditation where the instructor took a jar of water with glitter in it and shook it up, then placed it on the floor or table. He told the children to watch the glitter as it settles and by the time the glitter settles, their minds will be clear and still, like the water. I thought this was so neat so I bought some glitter and made my jar of water and glitter. I shook it up and watched the glitter settle - it was mesmerizing. My only issue is that the glitter actually settled fairly quickly and my mind was not quite clear or still as the water by that time. However, if I put the effort in to still my mind at the same time, the glitter-water helps me keep it there, helps me to keep my mind empty and clear since I'm focused on something without any thoughts attached to it. In fact, I meditated like that this morning. It helped and I shut my eyes by the time the glitter settled at the bottom of the jar.

In the past, I've also meditated to specific "meditation music" or sounds. That has been very helpful, too, but I do worry that my mind isn't becoming completely clear in those situations because I'm still using it to listen to music/sounds. I guess the biggest issue that people tend to have with meditation is in trying to clear their minds and we are not used to doing that in the western world. I think people feel like they're failures if they cannot do it right away or even after a bit of practice. However, I think it's probably similar to any new skill that you try to learn - you need to continue to practice, and allow yourself to "mess-up" since that's the only way you get better. But again, it's about disciplining yourself to make the time and put in the effort to practice.

I will certainly keep my blog posted with my progress - especially if I have any revelations or get to have an OBE.

Always Everything Never Nothing

It has almost been two weeks since I last posted anything here. I've been thinking a lot - but not really coalescing into a single, coherent, structured concept or idea. Generally, I like my posts to be as articulate as possible. Therefore, I haven't posted.

Also, my thoughts have been disjointed and fleeting. Essentially, I'm not entirely sure of myself and my own perceptions. So committing them to the infinite memory of the digital universe has not been an enticing proposition for me.

But here I am again, ready to commit. [As usual, right? Always committing too soon. Everything too soon or too late. But never right on time. And always speaking in extremes. Always, Everything, Never...Nothing.]

Welcome to the inner workings of a codependent's mind.

First Step

I went to my first CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting last night. After writing that I'll try anything to work through/"recover" from love addiction/codependence, I realized I could try another 12-step meeting. (Last year I had tried Al-Anon a few times because my ex wanted me to and I thought it might be helpful but it wasn't the right fit. I also think I wasn't ready to "believe" in the 12-step program for me.) I've also been searching to talk to someone who is significantly further along their recovery. So it makes sense.

"Hi, my name is J and I'm a codependent."

It was strange to say that out-loud for the first time. Just owning it feels kinda strange. I don't want to be a codependent. I don't want to be a love addict. But I am those things. I have a lot of confusion about where the differences are between the two conditions - but I guess the theory is that all addictions are rooted in codependence. So all addicts are codependents. But not all codependents are addicts, I guess? Yeah, I guess that's possible, then. If you're just mildly codependent, maybe. I think I'm not mildly codependent, but I'm also not extremely codependent. I have worked on things before and although I lost a lot of that over the past few years, I still feel like it's easier for me to pick it up again - the work, the effort. There's just been the added shame of feeling as if I "dropped the ball" on it before, but more like I just didn't realize how easily I would forget how to keep it up - or that I would always have to work on it consciously. But...even the shame is something I am working on diminishing.

Anyway, I guess I'll go back next week. I even got a "chip"! I might even try another night which is supposed to be really big...we'll see. I don't want to proselytize the 12-steps, the way I think some people do - I guess that's actually the 12th step! I don't like that. It doesn't help, anyway, cause people don't go until they really want to go. It is good to get the word out that it exists and that it can help and has a high success rate - well, AA does - I don't know about the others. I guess I'm just trying anything like I said I would. I'm really tired of not being able to have a healthy relationship. I'm tired of giving off this vibe of desperation!

It's My Party

I had the first party I've had in years last night - a housewarming party for my new apartment in the North Oakland/Temescal neighborhood of the East Bay Area of California. I had all these grand ideas of what I wanted to do for it - have a kiddie pool, a grill, the best music mix ever for dancing, etc!  Oh, not to mention that I wanted to be completely moved in - not just unpacked and boxes put away, but decorated and clean. I thought I would get things done since I gave myself about 3 weeks prep time. However, I kept getting busy with work and other activities, not to mention my intense mood swings/ups and downs due to my recovery work. So Friday came along - the first day of my "staycation" (vacation where I stay home, don't go anywhere), I hadn't slept well the night before and I woke up in an anxiety-induced panic. I was not only stressed and anxious about all the stuff that needed to be done for the party (cause I basically hadn't accomplished any of my goals), but I was anxious to see the girl I have been trying to "get over"...detach from...stop being addicted to/obsessive about. I wrote in my journal a little and thought I came to the decision that I wouldn't do anything - I wouldn't try to talk to her about my anxiety, etc. Then, I came to my computer, checked my email and Facebook and saw her online. So with my heart racing and my body practically shaking, I asked if we could chat. I basically told her I was anxious to see her, she told me then it's probably better for her not to come to my party, and then it went downhill because I think that triggered my abandonment issues which were already being triggered by her dating someone else... Anyway, the bottom line was that I think I did want to ask her not to come to my party afterall because I knew the anxiety was really about seeing her, trying to impress her, etc. etc. I knew how I would feel at the party - my feelings would be all wrapped up in her and her reactions, etc. and I would not be able to really enjoy the party and my other friends who I really wanted to enjoy. The point is that I achieved my goal but how I achieved it was unhealthy - not the way I wanted the conversation to go and it went that way because of me.

Immediately after the chat conversation where we decided we couldn't be friends anymore (which we weren't really being anyway because it was all one-sided), I fell fast into self-defeating thoughts, feelings and behaviors and canceled the party. Then, I called my therapist crying my eyes out. She called me back and suggested I still have the party (I asked cause I felt worse after canceling it). So then I "reinstated" the party - both actions just involved emails to the list of party invitees.

Then Friday night, I started reading this book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay. My old landlord had given it to me - actually, I say she's my old landlord, but that whole family really became my friends. She gave the book to me years ago and I tossed it with a bunch of other books she gave me that felt too "new-agey" for me. Interestingly, though, I kept some of the books, including this one, even though I did donate a bunch of books before my move. Anyway, the book was mentioned in another book that she "lent" me (I need to get that back to her and buy my own copy), The Holographic Universe by Michael Talbot, which is an amazing book! I highly recommend it. In any case, I realized that I had the book that he mentioned and immediately got it from my bookshelf.

Had I tried to read the book years ago when it was given to me, it wouldn't have had the same effect as it is having on me now. I wouldn't have accepted it as anything other than new age mumbo-jumbo bullshit. I've been resistant to the idea that we can control what happens to us - good or bad - just by our thoughts because that would mean when something unpleasant happens, it's not just stochastic chance and bad luck or whatever but actually it's because you didn't want it to go well or that you  actually wanted it to be unpleasant. As if to say, my friend died of complications from cancer treatment because she just didn't want to live hard enough. Something fucked up like that. However, reading this book from this other perspective...from the perspective of what I'm beginning to believe about the universe and our consciousness, I feel like there's something more to this than just the black and white of either determinism or total stochastic chance. In any case, the book is having more meaning to me now. So I started some of the "exercises" - mostly affirmations so far.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, "I am worthy of love." After repeating that a few times and maybe even starting to feel it, I said, "it will be a good party because I will have a good time." (Ok, I don't remember the exact words, but that was the sentiment.) And yeah, whenever I do these "affirmations" I feel like Stuart Smalley that Al Franken used to play on Saturday Night Live. So it kinda makes me feel silly and just thinking about Stuart Smalley makes me laugh! But...at this point in my disease and recovery, I'll try anything! I'm so tired of having these problems, you know? I'm so tired of sabotaging relationships, of experiencing my reality in extreme intensities, of not being able to love myself and take care of myself well enough... if there were a magic pill, I'd take it. But there isn't and there won't ever be. There's only one way out and that's through it. So I'll try whatever I need to try even if it may appear stupid and silly to the outside world. I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing it for me.

Well, I hope it's needless to say but the party was a whole ton of fun! At most, maybe there were 4-8 people there at any point in time. I bought enough drinks and people brought over enough food for 20 people - easily! I bought the blow-up kiddie pool but didn't blow it up for time reasons but also because it was actually relatively cool. I bought two small charcoal grills that also remained in their boxes because we already had enough food and not enough grillable items. I bought a bunch of  outdoor string party lights but hadn't put them up in time, although did end up putting some up during the party. I also got a firepit and firewood, which we did use! That was pretty awesome! I didn't make my amazing music mix, but I did throw together a bunch of songs that I love and called the playlist "My Party". I set up my pre-amp with monitors, a mixer and audio interface to my computer and played the music. My friends, most of who didn't even know each other, got along great, were sweet, talkative, funny and fun! I even got to do some dancing with a new friend with whom I'm going to be writing some music. Anyway...

Anyway, the party was a blast and I think, maybe, those affirmations worked. At least to some extent. I'm going to continue with them and each day it will get easier. But sometimes it will feel like I've taken a step back (such as with that chat on Friday) - this is ok, apparently, according to Louise L. Hay, because "it is a sign that the situation is beginning to move" and she says "we need to keep going." 

Deal.

Please Forgive Me

This post is dedicated to all of my mistakes. Yes, all of them - the ones that I have made, the ones that I may be making right now and the ones that I will make in the future.

Despite what I know to be true to human nature, I am a perfectionist. Well, in particular ways - not in the way it is often used to describe people who are meticulous. I can be meticulous, but I'm not always that way - I mean in the way that describes someone who strives to do something the perfect or ideal way. I strive to be the ideal being that I want to be. But let's look at the word, "strive", for a moment. It means "to devote serious effort or energy" or even to "struggle in opposition". Hmmm... That's fascinating, actually. I just looked up the definition but now I see why I'm not really a perfectionist - I don't expect to meet the goal, I'm just trying to go towards it - like a point in a curve and the tangent line to that point! Each point in a curve has a direction it's going in, in a straight line, with a slope and y-intercept, but it never actually goes there! I always found that part about math to be amazing (limits)! I guess it must have to do with each consecutive point on either side. Anyway...I diverge. Not only do I not expect to meet the goal of perfection, I struggle constantly in imperfection (its opposition)! That's the perfect word to describe it!!

Part of my "recovery" is to accept my and others' imperfections. Every human is imperfect. This actually is the basis for the faith part of the recovery process - because we are imperfect by nature, we put our faith in a "higher power" to help us. So I guess I'm putting Jodi & Abby as representatives of a higher power, right? But since they're dead, it's ok? I hope so. My therapist always talks about how I'm putting this person or that person as my "higher power" which is part of my disease and why I can't see them as imperfect human beings but once they show imperfection, I'm devastated - which is an obvious problem! But these people are all alive - what if I put my sister and my friend as my "higher powers"? I think it's ok...I'm going to talk to my therapist about that, though. I guess I still don't trust my own judgment about these things. In any case, the point is that I need to realize: 1) that it's ok to be imperfect, or to really accept my imperfections as part of human nature and as long as you "strive" for better, it's ok and 2) to see other people's imperfections...and to accept those too, not to put them above or below me but equal.

Part of dedicating this to my imperfections is to acknowledge some. One of them is my previous post when I was angry - "Pandora and Me". I want to acknowledge that I was blowing myself up in defense due to feeling rejected and angry. I jumped to a bunch of conclusions because of my lack of self-esteem, the lack of my own ability to feel of worth. Then I tried to make myself feel better by feeling "better-than" someone else. I find that embarrassing - because I know better! But ok, I'm judging myself there...the thing is that I have to "take the shame out" of this imperfection. That's hard to do because I feel ashamed and that feeling is deep.

Well, the rest is even too personal to put on my blog (although maybe I push the limits already on the level of the personal on a blog). The roots to that deep feeling of shame is related to childhood abuse, I just remembered. I don't want to publicly describe the details of any childhood abuse, but essentially the message I got as a child was that being imperfect would hurt me. I also don't want to put blame on the "abuser" because I assume it was merely the heritage of abuse. The point is that this is where it comes from - my shame regarding imperfection. It's not my shame, though.

[Jaycee Dugard said "it's his shame, not mine" about her abuser. What an amazing woman/human/soul.]

The point, for me, is just to move on with healing which means growing up. The point is that I want to own what I did/said/wrote and also forgive myself that I did/said/wrote stuff that I don't really like or even feel anymore.

Lastly, I want to forgive others who have hurt me or been imperfect, themselves, especially those that disappointed me because of it. I am sorry for putting you above me - making you my "higher power". You are only human, just like me. And we are "perfectly imperfect".

Faith

I was hesitant to title my post, Faith. It's such a loaded word and yet it's quite innocent - it's really personal, I think. It's personal whether or not you have it and when you have it, it's personal about what it is in. Religions seem to take that part of the personal out of faith - the part about what it is faith in. I think they are inextricably linked - to have it, you have to figure out what you have it in - I don't really see how you could have it before you knew what you had it in. I suppose that's why I haven't had it...until recently. Maybe that's where the concepts of finding and losing your faith come from. I guess, then, I could say that I recently found something to have faith in.

The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary has a definition of faith that I suppose I'd agree with: "firm belief in something for which there is no proof." By that definition, it feels contradictory to the purpose of a scientist - which is to not believe in something that has no proof. Well, I suppose that's not even true! In science, the concept of "proof" is mathematical. Scientists, when pressed, will never say that they've "proved" anything - they will say that they have dis-proven all the other thus far conceived hypotheses/explanations. Well, that's what I'd say as a scientist. [An aside - I just wondered if mathematicians were scientists - and I realized that the very reason some philosophers do not consider mathematics a science is because it cannot be falsified (or disproven).] In any case, that might be why there's room for a scientist to have faith: if you have disproven something, it can no longer be true, but just because you haven't "proven" it doesn't mean it couldn't be true. Therefore, something that has not been disproven is open for the possibility of being true. (I think I just made a logical reason for having faith!) Sweet. [Another aside - there's also a book on the "...Biological Basis of Faith..." - interesting, though, that the full title is: Depression and the Body: The Biological Basis of Faith and Reality. I think I may just have to buy that book...]

Anyway, that actually makes me feel a lot more comfortable with what I'm feeling lately - a strong faith in an explanation of both the physical universe that follows the laws of nature as discovered by science and math - particularly math - and which also explains more phenomena of our universe/existence than anything that has ever been explained previously by science or religion.  It would be the biggest paradigm shift to explain our reality since Einstein's two theories of relativity which completely blew the lid off our understanding of space and time ("spacetime"). Well, I'm still coming into the formation of what this new theory is, but I know it's there - that's the thing, the explanation is not firm in my head but with all the information/data that I know is out there in science and human experience and religion, I think we can come to a much more complete explanation/theory for some experiences that people have had for millennia! And also...maybe we could get rid of some of the shit that's been really fucking up our world for the past 2+ millennia. Well..I know that's not going to happen! Not everybody's into logical reasoning!

Oh...the other part of my personal faith is even more personal than what I was implying above about incorporating all of these different pieces of information and knowledge...this part is about those souls that I know who have died - particularly my sister,  Jodi,  and my good friend, Abby. Their deaths were untimely and I was close to them, but not the closest. I've mentioned them in several previous posts. My faith in anything non-material or that which has not been "proven" by not being dis-proven, has almost everything to do with these people that I knew and loved that died. Essentially, prior to their deaths I had no concept of what could happen at and after death - I basically believed in what I call the "null hypothesis".

The null hypothesis is the "default" hypothesis which, in science, usually refers to a question of whether or not there's a significant difference between two things - the null hypothesis being that there is not a significant difference. But again, as pointed out in the Wikipedia-linked article, that doesn't mean that there is definitely no difference - just that there isn't enough evidence to provide a significant difference. For me, in reference to death and after death, the "null hypothesis" is that all of our cells, molecules, atoms and energy that comprise us break-down and are recycled into the earth, the atmosphere and space, then other living creatures eat them and use them to build more atoms, molecules, cells, etc. And what happens to our "souls" or consciousness? Well, this is the sad part of the "null hypothesis" - it would be that we do not have "souls" and our consciousness is what forms from the make-up of our neural networks in our central nervous systems (brain & spinal cord) and once those are done and gone, so is our consciousness and thus it is also recycled into the earth, atmosphere and space. I believe this "null hypothesis" is probably what Richard Dawkins subscribes to in his book, The God Delusion. This is merely a projection because I have not read his book. From reading the Wikipedia page about it (linked), I think the book may be more of a rebuttal to religious dogma than to a real investigation into what may actually explain what we could call our "souls" and what happens to them when we die. I'm not personally interested in trying to argue with particularly dogmatic people, especially in either religion or scientific atheism. I don't think there is a point in trying to have a debate about two different things that hold the concept of "facts" and "evidence" on two very different value systems. Religion has nothing to do with "evidence" - that's the point of "faith" that I wrote about above. Science, however, is based entirely on evidence and being able to test hypotheses. So we're talking apples and oranges and yet they both attempt to explain many of the same things. Maybe it's time to stop fighting and just start accepting which is better at which - for instance, science is better at explaining everything we see, hear, touch, smell, and can predict in this material existence. Religion, spirituality and some human experiences are better at describing potential explanations for everything that cannot be explained by science. There - can't we all just get along if we accept those premises??

Ah..yeah, the other part is that we're imperfect human beings and the answer to that is no, we cannot all get along because we are all at different places in our development of acceptance, knowledge, understanding, compassion, etc. Then again, the fighting/killing is no good - it's still worth trying to get along! This reminds me of one of my favorite songs by XTC - "Dear God".

Anyway, I'm not going to attempt to explain this revelation I had and what it has led me to really "believe" about life/death/the universe(s)/consciousness/souls/etc....at least not in this post. I want to share the outline/skeleton of my profound discovery, but it will take up at least an entire post just for that. However, the point or thesis of this post is that I have found something to have faith in that is affecting me quite a bit these days - I think it's connected to my "personal growth" lately as I've been dealing with my love addiction and co-dependency issues. In fact, I'm beginning to see the link between faith and dealing with addictions - everyone knows the strong link between Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and faith. I've known about the success of AA for years and yet I have never really understood why it's been so successful! Honestly, I think the 12 steps were written really quite poorly. Just putting that out there - they read rather redundantly and extremely ambiguously. I've been to one AA meeting as a guest and a few Al-Anon meetings to test drive it and always left feeling like really? That works? But yes, it does...so I knew there was something I was missing from my understanding of the process. Now I'm beginning to understand. The faith is a huge part of its success.

Another Cowboy's Sad, Sad Song

I did it again. I'm obviously not entirely detached from this girl. I could try to minimize my feelings and explain why I shouldn't feel them but it wouldn't change the fact that I still feel them. Why I do probably has more to do with me than it seems but I guess I just don't know how to feel differently. I know that my behaviors in response to my feelings are what really matter in how I get along in this world, though, so at least I had the awareness not to respond the way I probably would've responded even just a few or even two months ago. I actually drafted an email - dangerously, actually. I did it on my phone which I've easily accidentally sent emails from previously before they were finished and I even had her email address in the send box...so had I accidentally touched the send spot, I would've fucked up. I knew I was playing with fire there... And honestly, probably did it on purpose cause I wanted to send the email. I wanted to indulge myself. I wanted to know for sure and maybe hoped it wouldn't be true if she was dating this other, cuter, maybe even more interesting and maybe less crazy girl or not. There are so many reasons why sending that email wouldn't be healthy and even just the thinking around it isn't healthy.

Not to even go into how it's not my business whether or not she's dating or doing anything for that matter, for me to want/need to know that is codependence - not being able to sit with the unknown - and either way the resulting answer would be, she's still not trying to date me. Furthermore, I need to stop needing that confirmation of my worth. I'm worthy of love. Starting from me. But I want affection too! I can't kiss me, I can't hug me, I can't hold me when I cry...I'm starving for that... Famished.

But I'm still alive. I can get hugs from some of my friends. I'm pretty f-ing awesome at masturbating (as long as I don't end up crying at the end, feeling sorry for myself that the only way I can satisfy my sexual needs is by masturbation.) I need to have the FAITH that I will someday be able to fall in love with someone who will be able to fall in love with me and we can build a healthy, and imperfect, relationship together... That faith has not been my "thing", but more recently I have begun to understand faith a bit more. It necessitates openness, flexibility, a willingness to try something different.

And "something different" seems about right, right now. What I've been doing over and over again for 34 years really hasn't been working. So, OK. I'll try. And I'll try to also listen to my gut (without trying to manipulate what I hear). So I beg you, Abby, my Goddess of romantic love and attraction (since I felt that way for her when she was alive, and not my sister cause she's my sister - I need her for other prayers, anyway...) - although, Jodi, you can jump in to help if you feel so inclined...all the help would he appreciated!

There are other things I wanted to post - about how I was wrong about her not working on her shit even though I am working on mine - I was wrong about that. I have no reason whatsoever to feel "better-than" her. (not that I should be feeling that way, anyway.) I guess I just wanted to make myself feel better because I feel badly about myself due to her not wanting to date me. Hey J (me) - just accept that it sucks to feel rejected. Sit with it. Let the tears roll down. Feel the pain. It's not killing you. And you will feel better again. And you will feel loved again. Feel love from yourself in the form of acceptance. It's not her "fault". It's not yours, either. It's just the way it is and it's ok that it hurts, but lashing out will only make it hurt more and for longer.

That's what I'd say to myself if I was someone else. I'll read it to myself now and go to sleep listening to my sister and my favorite Poison song, "Every Rose Has It's Thorn".